Friday, December 24, 2004

Additionally, Please Read This...

... even if a lot of it is biased bull-flop, it's still worth reading twice.

The American Theocracy

Michael Moore is Scary...

... since six major American drug and health care companies, such as Pfizer, Astrazeneca and Glaxosmithkline, have "prompted at least six drug companies to warn their employees to watch out for the director" and "instructed employees not to answer questions posed by Moore, but to redirect them to each company's communications department."

Rachel Bloom, executive director of corporate communications for AstraZeneca, notes, "Moore's past work has been marked by negativity, so we can only assume Sicko won't be a fair and balanced portrayal. His movies resemble docudramas more than documentaries." But Moore feels the movie, which is expected to be released in 2006, will strike a common chord with the American public. He explains, "Being screwed by your (health-care provider) and ill-served by pharmaceutical companies is the shared American experience."

Considering that more than 200,000 people work for these companies, I find it impossible to believe that not a single one of them is secretly hoping to find Michael and perform the ultimate heinous act of American treason... tell the truth.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

So Even Famous People Can't Count...

... and neither can the press. Excerpted from IMDB:

"Singer and actress Barbra Streisand only agreed to star in sequel Meet The Fockers to confirm she can still act after a break of nearly two decades from the big screen. The 62-year-old hasn't starred in a movie since 1996's The Mirror Has Two Faces, so accepted the role of sex therapist Roz Focker in the comedy, which co-stars Robert De Niro and Ben Stiller, to see if she's lost her movie talents."

Now, let's count:

2004 minus
1996 equals
8 years.

Now, apparently IMDB believes that 8 years equals two decades. The confusion does not end there.

"[Barbara Streisand] explains, "I love Roz Focker, but it's not like I was dying to play her, you know what I mean? I wasn't passionate about it. It was an experiment. It's been some 20 years since I just acted.""

Now, let's count again:

2004 minus
1996 equals
8 years.

Barbara Streisand clearly believes that 8 years is also not only two decades, which MIGHT be forgivable given that TECHNICALLY after 2000 is a decade, and before 2000 is a decade, but she herself said it's been about twenty years since she's acted. Now, what are we to take from this?

Apparently, she believes that she did not appear in The Prince of Tides, or Nuts, or clearly The Mirror Has Two Faces. She may have been so drugged up during those years that she forgot, but she must at least have some sort of pay stub from those years.

Ah well, it isn't my problem. I can count. In fact, I can count every Barbara Streisand movie I haven't seen (all) and how many I won't see (all but one). You go, Babs. You go.

Monday, December 20, 2004

So I Haven't Been Here In A While....

... so lets recap.

I failed NaNoWriMo simply because it was a busy month. I bet I could do it in January, and I fully intend to.

Work is getting busier, and I am getting more and more scary responsibility. I'm doing complete takeoffs, and three more people have been hired, to start in the New Year. Uhm... hooray!

I got a bad cold combined with allergies, then Steph and Seb got the cold, before Steph wound up with Strep, which she gave back to me last night. We're a sharing family.

We had our office party, which was a lot of fun. Get some booze into these guys and they're every bit as delightfully gooftastic as any of my school friends. Also, they spent more on food and drink than I make in a month. Wooo!

I'm working on my wicked fictitious Diablo III Characters, which can be found here. The interactive Excel files can be found at the bottom (just one for now, but I plan to maike more!)

Last but probably least, it's Christmas, the time for giving till it hurts, or until the big stores say so.

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Best.... Glitch.... Ever...

While plotting a whole series of structural and architectural drawings from 24"x36" format to 11"x17" printer, which apparently is very memory-intensive, my computer entered a little loop. More particularly, Winamp started to skip. It tends to do that. Now, this has happened many times today, with many bits of songs or wav's getting stuck. My list has a lot of amusing wav files on it, so here are some examples of lines that got repeated 5 or 6 times:

"The soup is fucking ten dollars.
The soup is fucking ten dollars.
The soup is fucking ten dollars.
The soup is fucking ten dollars."
- Mr Fabulous, The Blues Brothers

"... wang is a beautiful thing.
... wang is a beautiful thing.
... wang is a beautiful thing.
... wang is a beautiful thing."
- Homer Simpson

- Clutch - Pure Rock Fury

"Gadgets and evil plots...
Gadgets and evil plots...
Gadgets and evil plots...
Gadgets and evil plots..."
- Professor, Powerpuff Girls
(this one happened JUST now)

and my personal favorite so far:

"... we should all have a minutes flatulence.
... we should all have a minutes flatulence.
... we should all have a minutes flatulence.
... we should all have a minutes flatulence."
- Rimmer, Red Dwarf

I couldnt stop giggling for ten minutes, and even now, Kyle is wondering why I am laughing as I type this.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Sick Babies...

... lead to healthier ones, but that doesn't make the experience any more fun for any of the parties involved.

Sebastian's temperature decided it didn't like being in the double American digits, and went to peruse the triple digits (102 to 104 Farenheit) around 4:45 pm yesterday. He had two short naps between that time and nine pm, drinking one juice box and eating one piece of toast. Promptly at 9 he barfed up the toast and juice, and screamed, but then went mostly back to sleep next to our bed.

At 2am, he began tossing and turning and roasting like a little turkey. He sucked back an entire sippy of water, and cooled off a bit, but kept with the tossing and turning. Around 4am, he decided that we had to go downstairs, because Mommy was there. This logic was clearly false, since Mommy was in bed, as she had to get up at 5:30 to do the paper route she is no doubt regretting. Me and Seb went downstairs, I folded down the futon, set him up with another sippy of water (spiked with Motrin) and let him watch treehouse while I tried, badly, to go back to sleep.

When I left for work, his temperature had dropped back to a reasonable 102, and he was drinking an apple juice spiked with Motrin.

UPDATE: Apparently, his fever broke and he ate half a box of Zamboni and Cheese. Yay, indestructo-baby! (BTW: Zamboni and Cheese is macaroni and cheese when spoken by a child who own thirty books about automobiles.)

Monday, November 22, 2004

I just joined PETA...

... and I couldn't be happier. This is a wonderful organization, designed to preserve the animals that our planet needs the most, for our own personal uses. Yes, the People for the Eating of Tasty Animals are dedicated men and women in every city accross the globe, and we're trying to make a difference.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Hooray For Office Politics...

... at my new, awesome job.

Excepts from the e-mail I got last night from my assistant boss:

"I did not hire you, and I wouldn't have. I can't fire you, but I would. I've been telling Mike (boss) about how you two (me and Kyle) being on MSN all the time."

This, after he tells us he's on MSN at work, too.

To anyone who wonders why I'm not online anymore... thats why.

Monday, November 15, 2004

Failed Mottos For Terror Awareness

"Check everyones pants, but try not to look suspicious."

"Be awake, not asleep."

"Be afraid, and run away."

"Close your eyes and you won't get hurt."

"Look alarmed, then take to the hills."

"Randomly shout out the name 'Osama', and shoot whoever turns to look at you."

"Al Kaida is not the enemy, he is just unfortunately named."

And finally, they settled on

"Be aware, but dont be alarmed."

Friday, November 12, 2004

Early News Today...

... but I just gotta share the insanitardity. Thats a new word, by the way.

First: TV shows to be broadcast to cel phones only,

Second: the Greens and the Libertarians are demanding a recount which could actually get Kerry elected,

and Third (and this one is pretty cool): using VoiP over your cel phones with a handy little adapter.

Watch, listen, and learn, or you'll be blind, deaf, and dumb.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

In Response To An E-Mail I Got...

... from "Citibank".

Dear Citibank,

Please note that I do not have, nor have I ever, nor will I
ever, have an account with your branch, compounded with the fact
that you got my e-mail address wrong both in the address line of
the header, and in the body of the document.

Also note that the "secure link" is actually an unsecure
redirection to a well-hacked location, and I would not click it
if you paid me to.

Finally, this is your seventh e-mail of this kind this year.
Clearly you are unaware than I am not a subscriber, which I hope
to correct.

Please kindly fuck off and die.

Thank you,

Not A Customer.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Enough Stuff To Do

For the first time since I've started here, they've given me instructions in a clear, well-ordered format, allowing me to work efficiently (and without interruption) for most of the day, and probably tomorrow. I am promised this sort of behaviour will continue.

In other news, I am actually impressed that I am still awake. I start yawning and my eyes start watering around noon, and this lasts until 4 or 5. Around that time, I pass out of tired and into the "awake by sheer willpower" stage a lot of you night-owls will understand. At this point, I have less than no energy but I keep going because I have to. I've been at this stage since early October. On the plus side, Steph wants to have another baby so I will have ample opportunity to practice and explore this phenomena further.

So, let's see, whats in the news today? Microsoft plans to rip off Yahoo and somehow make something better than Google, nature backs bullies, medical corporations are trying to prevent the cure for Diabetes, and we still don't know how many people voted for Bush.

Monday, November 01, 2004

NaNoWriMo Is Here!

National Novel Writing Month is here, and for the first time ever, I will be participating (and succeding). I found this site two weeks ago, and I was pretty amazed at the size of the forums! You can find a picture of my novel cover art right here and keep in mind that was three minutes and Photoshop.

The story I have chosen to use for this participation is the outline I wrote during my last major session. I was living with Steph and Dave, Seb wasn't around yet, and I was taking the bus home from downtown somewhere. On the big hill leading out of the College, the idea hit me, and on the next 20 minutes I developed the idea in my head. I came home, sat down at my little laptop in the corner and wrote from late afternoon to early morning the next day, with Steph and Dave occaisionally feeding me. 11,200 words later I had an outline, and I went to sleep.

This month, I will turn that outline into a novwel (or at least most of it). Wish me luck!

I'll post a bit later about our Hallowe'ening adventures!

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

I Like My Coffee Like I Like My Women...

... small, warm, and covered in chocolate.

The reason for this enigmatic half-truth? Steph's french press lets me make single-serving super-charged mochas in the mornings now to help me get over my Coke fixation. I need a sugar kick in the mornings or I'm just a beached whale all day. I've done tests, and I am less productive on days where I don't start with a large dose of sugar. I am also prone to more seizures as my brain remains tired. Don't ask me why.

Well, here I am working on another old folks home. New job, same stuff, although with a larger network and more computer people all using different versions of software, I am somehow less productive despite having less work to do. Hooray!

I am coming along designing the house for the Shimmins'. They like the H-shaped dual-unit, since Laing's brother Phil will get 1/3 of the house. they also want the adobe style, which is great, since it's delightfully inexpensive when mixed with straw-bale contruction. They bought 40-odd acres in Knutsford, and they'll be partitioning it up after they get their house built. It's pretty sweet.

Not much else to write about. Uhm, amusing factoids: even Bushes hate Bushes, the least scientific debate ever, final score in the greatest blooper sport ever, and pop culture Superfight Finals. There. Read those. Then go away. Amuse yourself.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

So I Haven't Blogged In A While...

... but the doctor says it's perfectly normal.

My wife also hadn't blogged in a while, and she got back into the swing of things this morning. I'll do my best not to repeat her, so here goes.

New Job!

I started my new job at MM Project Management last week. Best way to start a new job: three day week, followed by a three day weekend. Best way to get acclimated. I make a heck of a lot more money than before, even taking into account I have to pay for basic and extended medical bills, and we have to pay for utilities now. The office is so much nicer and friendlier than my previous internment, and that makes the days so much more pleasant.

Well, Steph covered everything else, so I am not sure what to talk about. In the near future look forward to my review of Architectural Desktop 2005, and VIZ Render 2005. Also bacon... definitely reviewing bacon.

PS: I got a g-mail account! , just like my URL here.

Saturday, October 02, 2004

So We Moved In...

... again. Someday, this will end. I'll put down a piece of furniture and say "That doohickey will stay there, until the day I die. Sometime next year, probably. Why does my arm tingle?"

So, not a whole lot of new stuff here to talk about. I almost blew thirty bucks at Wally World when I saw they had the "Bruce Campbell vs The Army of Darkness - 2 Disc Boomstick Edition". I swear, I ovulated right when I saw it. 15 extra minutes of footage, interviews, storyboards, sketches, and commentary by the Deadites. SWEET! I'm also consistently surprised by the inbred dufusses that they let into that store. Observe the following quotes:

"Why do we need two bars of soap?"

"Oh, please don't let your son listen to 'Bad Religion', it's horrible bad music. I'm getting my son 'Green Day'."

"I have to take this hockey stick over to a different till to scan it in." (Technically by an employee, but still stupid)

"Can we get ten bags of chips?" "No, only eight, I told you."

Also, this years Ig Nobel awards are out! My favorites:

Steven Stack of Wayne State University, Detroit, Michigan, USA and James Gundlach of Auburn University, Auburn, Alabama, USA, for their published report "The Effect of Country Music on Suicide."

The Coca-Cola Company of Great Britain, for using advanced technology to convert liquid from the River Thames into Dasani, a transparent form of water, which for precautionary reasons has been made unavailable to consumers.

The Vatican, for outsourcing prayers to India.

And now my favorite, from our home-grown West Canadians:

Ben Wilson of the University of British Columbia, Lawrence Dill of Simon Fraser University [Canada], Robert Batty of the Scottish Association for Marine Science, Magnus Whalberg of the University of Aarhus [Denmark], and Hakan Westerberg of Sweden's National Board of Fisheries, for showing that herrings communicate by farting.

Well, I'm out of witty repartee. You bastard. See?

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

One Reader...

... well, fucking super.

Anyways, I am using this without Bill Stewarts permissoin, but I make no claims that it is mine:

" "Gateway Drugs" are such a tired bogus line. If you want a statistically significant "gateway drug", try tobacco and alcohol. Almost anybody who's tried illegal drugs has also tried both first (imagine a heroin user saying "Booze? No, that's bad for you, I'd never try that!"), and while some kids may find it easier to _buy_ illegal drugs than to buy booze in a store, it's still easy for them to find enough alcohol and tobacco to decide if they like it. Some kids try booze and like getting wasted, and look for more wastage drugs; some kids try tobacco and like looking cool, feeling edgy but calm and getting really cranky when you need more, and annoying people around them with their behavior, and go looking for speed and coke.

For one of my friends, though, marijuana was a gateway drug. After the first time he got stoned, he said "Wow! They really LIED to me about pot! I wonder what ELSE they lied to me about?" and headed off to try all the other things they'd told him were Bad, many of which he also liked, though a few of them he decided really _were_ bad.

And while we're at it, what message would it send to our kids? We might send the message that when _adults_ are wrong about things, they admit it and change their minds, or we might send the message that when adults are wrong, we tell kids that they have to do what we say Because We Said It and we'll make up whatever bogus lies will scare them into believing us, just like we do about so many other things.

Bill Stewart
Well, America is now More Dangerous. Does that make us Safer?"

Thursday, September 23, 2004

So Who Reads Me?

I've only gotten 4 comments ever, and 3 of them was one guy hitting the "Send" button a few too many times. The 4th comment was from someone doing a search for NewsRadio and coming accross my list of quotes. Awfully discouraging when you have a look at some of the blogs out there, I think.

Well, could people who do read this just post something so I know how many of you I have to pander to?

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

The Past Few Days...

... sucked.

Let's start with Monday. 4:10 pm, I restart my computer because it has run out of memory like it always does. Naturally, it has problems restarting (it always has). Takes 5, 10, 15, 20 tries to get it going sometimes. This time... it doesn't restart.

The next morning, (tuesday) I show up a half hour early... and after an hour and a half of trying, I can't get it to start. We bring in an outside computer after determining the motherboard has kakked. I manage to get it barely working, with no Network card and an amazing 16-color display. Not 16 bit. 16 color.

Doug's tech guy shows up, has one look, and says "You need a new computer" and leaves. Doug, believing him instantly (I mean, sure, it's true, but I said it, too) tells me to look up options for a new computer. Fine.

10:45 am Wednesday morning I get the surrogate up to speed. Sure it's a drop from 333MHz to 233MHz, but it has colors and the network functions, so bite me. Now I can live out my final days here on a craptacular computer with a video card worth more than our entire setup at home.

PS: One snag: anytime I try to save accross the network, there is a 4 minute hang. Haaang!

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Reasons America Doesn't Deserve Anything...

... when, to quote the article, a country with a $300,000,000,000 peacetime military budget can't find a nuclear bomb dropped in twelve feet of water off the coast of Georgia fourty years ago. Instead it takes a hobbyist treasure hunter with a Geiger counter purchased from Wal-Mart to locate it, and send a GPS co-ordinate to the US military. In addition, the bomb has been sitting above a fresh-water aquifer used by a Georgia town, steadily radiating everything passing underneath it.

Only SLIGHTLY more depressing is this is only one of the 50 or so nulcear bombs that they dumped over land or water and were never, ever found (including one dropped over a farm in North Carolina). I tell you, letting the government play with nukes is just PROOF that Americans are too stupid to vote properly.

No offense.

Friday, September 17, 2004

And Now For Something Completely Different...

... a new segment I like to call "Thank Gord It's Friday". We will celebrate by reading amusing things that OTHER people wrote. My wrists hurt.

First off, the winner of this weeks Best Headline: Dick Assault Case Settled

Next, we have Most Retarded Product Roll-out: The Canyonero

Finally, we close with Best Political Snow-Job: Bush And Kerry vs Intelligence

I hope this helps your day go by faster.

As for the stuff I would normally have to write, I really can't think of anything. It's early, I slept in as my alarm clock had the volume mysteriously turned down. Uhm... I made about 2 gallons of hamburger soup last night. It's delicious. Uhm... stop staring at me!

Ok, musical reccommendations for the day. Download them or die.

Seether - Fine Again
Breach of Trust - Complicated
Cleavage - Riddled
Clutch - The Mob Goes Wild
MST3K - The Canada Song
Southpark - Cartman Stoned (radio interview)
Cypress Hill - Hits From The Bong
Big Sugar - Trouble In The City
Corky & The Juice Pigs - I'm The Only Gay Eskimo

Thats it. Go away. Do something constructive.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

So There I Was...

... walking along, minding my own business, when I found irrefutable evidence that mankind has moved past the apex of intelligence. Parked in front of the Keg next to my office was a very nice car, the Mazra RX-8. If ever a car looked like it was lying in wait to pounce on and devour some small mammal that happened to wander by, it was this car. That actually made me feel good, but it was the vanity plates that really irked me.

The read "RX-8".

Now, I'm all for vanity plates, since the money is collected as government funds, and Lord knows they need more money, what with giving themselves big bonuses and shutting down low-income housing. But the car clearly says RX-8 on three sides, do you need further identification? Jeez, this guy could have written for 'Friends', he was so creative.

Also, I found the Fountain of Youth over the weekend. If we could somehow brew a tea from the dried remains of Keith Richards, it would undoubtedly bestow the same limitless lifespan and invulnerabilities. True, he is still 'alive', but I'm sure he'd survive the brewing process.


I forgot to add this morning: birds are stupid. Biking along to work, the sidewalk juts out around an exterior seating area of a small restaraunt. I zoom around it, and as I found the final bit of curve, a tiny bits takes off like a shot fromthe pavement (sleeping or eating, I don't know.) Anyway, it's off like a shot and slams right into a parking meter with a "bong" I hear over the melodious sounds of "Foo Fighters - Good Grief" playing over my headphones. It jigs sideways for a few feet, corrects, and keeps going on it's original course.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Stupid Blogger...

... wouldn't let me log in for 2 days now. I enter my UN and PW, and it takes me to the "Please Log In To Continue" page. I enter my UN and PW, and it takes me to the "Please Log In To Continue" page. I enter my UN and PW, and it takes me to the "Please Log In To Continue" page. I enter my UN and PW, and it takes me to the "Please Log In To Continue" page. I enter my UN and PW, and it takes.... well, you get the idea. The marvels of technology.

So I forgot whatever it was I was going to write all about the last few times I tried to log in. Something about monkeys, no doubt. And Milli Vanilli. Monkey Vanilli solves everything.

Main news of the day for me: The 4 Km Wide Thermonuclear Mushroom Cloud Over North Korea

I am about to do my comprehensive review of Childrens Programming in my Reviews Blog, who's link you can find at the top of this page under 'Crazy Vegeta'.

PS: Can someone tell me why my son likes to put trail mix in his ears?

Thursday, September 09, 2004

I Get An Office...

... in my new place!

Well, not in the classical sense. Apparently it has a decent-sized basement, once big enough to put ALL of Steph's accursed sewing stuff into, as well as my weight set. The rest will be used for storage. It also has a den, so that'll be our computer room. The PC, though, not my laptop. That's for my office.

I figure since the rest of the basement will be filled with boxes, I can arrange them like a little fort, maybe throw a blanket over the top and put a lamp in it. I can line the inside with posters, put my TV tray in there and my comfy camping chair, and have my little 20 square feet of privacy. I wonder how hard it is to install a door into a jamb made entirely of cardboard...

Monday, September 06, 2004

This Space Left Intentionally Blank...

... except for this. And this. And this. And this...

Friday, September 03, 2004

Gazziza Dilznoofus...

... my homeys!

I miss NewsRadio. Although theoretically this should be a review, I wanted to use Gazziza Dilznoofus as a title, so it's going here. Although the writing by itself would have been stilted and dead under most circumstances, the phenomenal combination of acting talent and said writing conspired to make one of the greatest and most original sitcoms ever. Follow me as we peruse some of my favorite quotes:


Mr. James: It's an oxymoron, you know...
Beth: Like Swiss cheese.
Mr. James: Right...


Matthew: So.. what part of africa are you from?
Catherine: Shut up.
Matthew: No, seriously.. say something in african!
Catherine: Shut the f.. (cut to next scene)


Mr. James: I am a cypher, a cypher wrapped in an enigma... smothered in secret sauce.


[Reading from his autobiography, translated into Japanese and back into English]
Mr. James: I never doubted myself for a minute, for I knew that my monkey-strong bowels were girded with strength like the loins of a dragon ribboned with fat and the opulence of buffalo... [pauses while turning page]... dung.


Mr. James: Dave, I don't know if you've noticed this, but most of the stuff that I do is weirder than hell.


Mr. James: Let me tell you something, little Miss... Advertising pays our bills, alright... advertising pays your salary... advertising is what made this country great... What was the Constitution of the United States?... No! It is an advertisement... an advertisement for liberty... when in the course of human events... I'm telling you... that's up there with 'Put a Tiger in your tank' and 'Where's the beef'... Don't you understand? I'm sorry... I've got to get some air... Hell if it wasn't for advertising... you know what you two'd be doing, huh? You two'd be giving out Sesame Street tote bags during PBS pledge breaks... 'cept they wouldn't say Sesame Street on them.. Nooo... they wouldn't say that... that would be....? ADVERTISING!!! That's Right!! Hell, if you two had your way there probably wouldn't even be any Sesame Street would there?... Would there?!! There'd be no Ernie would there... Nooooo.... there'd be no Bert... bye bye, bye bye to Grover... bye bye to Cookie Monster... NO! There'd be no Snuffleupagus, would there, and get that trash can... cause there'd be no Oscar the Grouch... NOT TO MENTION... KERMIT, THE DAMN FROG!!!! [runs from the room crying]


Bill: Gazziza Dilznoofus, it's Bill McNeal saying get with the crezappy taste of Rocketfuel Malt Liquor... Rocketfuel's got tha upstate prison flavor that keeps you ugly all night long. So when you wanna get sick remember, nothing makes yo' feet stank like Rocketfuel Malt Liquor... DAMN! It's crezappy!!!


Bill: Have you ever heard the expression, ‘When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then throw it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you originally asked for?’


Mr James: Say Dave is yor mom still married to that guy? What's his name?
Dave: My dad? Yes.


[Reading cards from the complaint box]
Dave : "You suck." "You suck." "Howard Stern rules." "If you can read this you are a dork." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a girl." "We need more complaint cards." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a guy."
Joe : Hey.
Dave : [pulling out a fortune cookie slip] "You will go on a journey, happy long time." "Matthew is a moron." "No I'm not." "Yes you are." "No I'm not infinity." "Yes you are infinity plus one." And this one, "I have doobie in my funk," which I assume is some sort of reference to the Parliament Funkadelic song, "Chocolate City." Uh, "You got peanut butter in my chocolate. You got chocolate in my peanut butter. Together they taste like crap." "Matthew has been staring at me all day... and I like it." I don't think I get this one, it says, "I try to be good hard-worker-man, but refrigemater so messy, so so messy."
Lisa : I think that one's probably from Milos, the janitor.
Dave : Oh. Refrigem... oh, then that one's legitimate.
[continues reading the complaint cards]
Dave : Uh, "Who's the black private dick who's the sex machine with all the chicks."
Bill , Beth , Lisa , Matthew , Joe : SHAFT.
Bill : I thought we'd all enjoy that.
Dave : [reading one last card] And, "Help, I'm being held prisoner in a complaint box," which is actually kinda funny.


[Talking about his vacation in Japan]
Matthew : You would've loved it, David. A week in a foreign country, strange people, strange customs...
Dave : Oh, I know what you mean. I've been to Canada.


[Dave and Lisa are forced to campaign for a job neither wants]
Bill : I have a two-part question, chief. One, what does Lisa look like naked? And two, what does Lisa feel like naked? This question is for both candidates.
Dave : I'll field this one. As a prospective news director, it would be improper for me to answer that question. But if the unthinkable was to happen and I was to lose this election, well, then I could answer that question in almost pornographic detail.
Bill : Gooood answer.


Joe : You can't take something off the Internet. It's like taking pee out of a swimming pool.


Beth : Well of course there is a difference. Pretty means pretty. Cute means pretty but short and/or hyperactive - like me.
Lisa : Uh huh. What is beautiful?
Beth : Beautiful means pretty and tall.
Lisa : Gorgeous?
Beth : Pretty with great hair.
Lisa : Striking?
Beth : Pretty with a big nose.
Lisa : OK, you're making this up.
Beth : That's ridiculous, why would I make it up?
Lisa : Voluptuous?
Beth : Pretty and fat.
Lisa : Sexy?
Beth : Pretty and easy.
Lisa : Exotic?
Beth : Ugly


Lisa : He won't even admit that he's jealous. That is the thing that just drives me crazy.
Beth : You know, I do not blame you. If my boyfriend acted like that, I would go absolutely bitch-cakes.
Lisa : Bitch-cakes?
Beth : I just made that up. Think it's gonna catch on?


[Mindlessly hooked on the White Noise Machine]
Mr. James : Lost a satellite on liftoff today.
Dave : Cost?
Mr. James : 10 million dollars.
Dave : Result?
Mr. James : Extreme set back.
Dave : Milk?
Mr. James : Spilled.
Dave : Gonna cry about it?
Mr. James : Not even.
Dave : I'm sitting on a rather sharp tack. Have been for an hour.
Mr. James : That's gotta hurt.
Dave : Well, life's a bitch...
Mr. James : ...And then you die.
Dave : My...
Mr. James : ...oh...
Dave :


Jimmy James : It's like I'm under siege, like that movie.
Dave : Under Siege?
Jimmy James : No...
Dave : Under Siege 2?
Jimmy James : No...
Dave : Under Siege 3?
Jimmy James : That's the one.


[Lisa has discovered that Dave is really Canadian, not from Wisconsin as he claimed]
Lisa : What is this all about?
Dave : What is what all abooo-... um, what's what?
Lisa : You're afraid to say it. You've got nothing to hide, Dave. Say "about".
Dave : No.
Lisa : Say "out".
Dave : No.
Lisa : "Couch."
Dave : No.
Lisa : "House."
Dave : Look, your honor, I plead the fifth.
Lisa : I don't think you can do that, Dave.
Dave : I can too, eh.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

I Don't Get Mad, I Get Stabby...

... said Fat Tony matter-of-factly.

Yes, my lifelong dream of the past thirty-five minutes has now been to open a 'Legitimate Businessmans Club' in Kamloops, preferably down a short flight of stairs from street level. Bar, card tables, pool table, big screen TV... and if anyone comes in, we'll just sit there and stare at them until they leave. Our black suits are compulsory.

Oh Crikey...

... they finally, really, screwed it up.

They're making a freaking Aeon Flux movie. I mean... just... buh... HOW in the hell could anyone have possibly watched the cartoon, and thought to themselves, "You know what the world needs? This, done live action, feature length, with Charlize Theron."

Holy snap and crap, Jebus, what were they thinking? Topping things off, this is being written by the guy who wrote The Tuxedo. Yes, the Jackie Chan childrens epic about a magic.... tuxedo. It's being produced by the guy who did Pootie Tang and Jackass: The Movie. And need I point out, FREAKING Charlize Theron!? Come on, there had to be somebody less Aeon-like they could have gotten.... maybe Mike Meyers.

Well, on the plus side, Peter Jackson's company is doing Evangelion Neon Genesis, so that'll be sweet.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Do Not Feed The Yog-Sothoth...

... since that might not be his mouth you're reaching for.

I shall soon be adding a new sidebar, my Link of the Day (or week, depending how often I post). I am coming accross so many goofy sites that I really, really must share with people. Sluggy Freelance, for instance, is a daily webcomic that has been around since 1997. Thats right, slightly more than 2500 back-issues of this comic are stored on that website, and since at some point he went from 4 panel black and white to full-page color every day, that is a lot of stuff to read. I'm only up to February 3rd, 1998, in the archives.

Another favorite is Chopping Block, the life and misadventures of Butch, the lovable cannibalistic psychotic mass murderer. The darkest, grimmest, and funniest single-panel comic I have yet come accross.

Lastly for today is my old favorite, Bad Movies. Although I think Bomtreger has been sent to Iraq, his site persists, and there will undoubtedly be movies you love somewhere on his list, and definitely some you have never, ever heard of (like a 1942 US Navy Venereal Disease training and awareness video.)

Peace out!

Monday, August 30, 2004

Take This Job And Shove It...

... but I'm still workin' here, if thats OK with you.

I got's me the job in Kamloops!

I showed up, did some stuff in the morning with Steph around the town, and then decided to quickly drive up to where her Mom works and print off some resumes. Lo and behold, her computer system doesn't let her access my e-mail site, so I can't get my resume. I have to drive up to my friends parents place on the hill, and use THEIR computer. Their printer spits out 8 pages of slow-ass gibberish before finally giving me what I wanted.

I was 20 minutes late for lunch with Steph and Sleeping Kyle, but they didn't mind (or at least he says he doesn't. He was probably traumatized.) Sleeping Kyle works where I was applying. (A little History: Sleeping Kyle put himself through college working late nights at Panago as a delivery driver. Consequently, he got very little sleep, and caught up in class, absorbing knowledge by osmosis.)

I went to his office with him after lunch, where he introduced me to his boss. We walked into his office, sat down, and started talking. It was then that Dan Rink, one of the guys from my class and my good friend Tyler's cousin, walks in, sits down, and says "You know, Dad, this guy knows Tyler."

I am now a little floored. I looked again at the piece of paper in front of me, and sure enough, he's Mike Rink, my buddy's uncle. We start talking about Tyler, his brother JD, their mom Mary, and her brother Mike the Boss. That was pretty cool, and I think it may have helped my case (my case already being straight A's, and facility with numbers and computers.) He talked to Kyle, who knew me from class, and I think he may have talked to Tyler who has known me for ten years, or maybe he talked to Mary who has known me equally as long. Either way, he said the next day that he was excited about hiring me.

Hooray for me!!

Thursday, August 26, 2004

And On Thors Day, He Blogged...

... and he saw that it was vaguely interesting.

I'm packing, and cleaning, and more packing, and more cleaning, and listening to Darryll on Kids in the Hall. Now it's the wierd squeaky frustrated guy that Brucio does. Ahhh, what a show.

I'm also doing the laundry!

I still can't get Colonization to run on my bloody computer. I got FileMon to try and figure out what it was failing to reference, and it wasn't failing to reference anything. I checked out the WinG references in the win.ini and the system.ini. No-one can figure it out. It used to run on my old Windows 98 machine, but not it won't work on my home '98 computer, or my work '98 computer.

"What kind of restaraunt are you running here where you don't understand how time works?"

Bruce is the greatest.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Gloopid Fluoropope...

... I have already posted to this blog this morning, but when I hit the publish link, it did not publish. Instead, it came up with the "Publishing - 25%, 50%" graphics over, and over, and over, and over. Apparently one of the words was so big it couldn't fit through my cable connection. I let it go for ten minutes, but it just kept getting stuck. So here it is again in a nutshell, since I don't feel like doing another 500 words.

I am bored of Diablo II. I no longer like Diablo II. I erased Diablo II. I now have 2 more gigs of free space, though, which is pretty cool. I am just very sick of throwing thousands of hours of my life down the tubes on the computer.

This sums up my post this morning. Thank you.

EDIT - Hmm, as you can see below, it did publish. It didn't publish in the 15 minutes I checked it at home, but apparently it published at 7:18 am.... ten minutes before I wrote it. Keen!

Well, It Finally Happened...

... I got bored enough of Diablo II to erase it. I thought it'd be fun since it was a new ladder season, but that still means it's full of the retarded power-gamers and corrupted hacked items that made the last season suck so bad. I had some fun characters, but it's just the same runs over and over again. I know all the items, and I know if I get better characters I'll just kill the same things faster and faster.

So, the upshot of it is I have two more gigs of space on my computer. Hello, downloading Dragonball Z episodes!

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

The Whole Worlds Against Me, Silent Bob...

... I swear to God.

I just found out that one of my fellows from EDDT got a job here in Kelowna. It is my complete dream job, working at designing unique houses for wealthy people. He has good hours, awesome pay, creative and intelligent co-workers, and he gets to design some pretty amazing things.

Here I just get to listen to people swear about how stupid other people are. Whee!

Monday, August 23, 2004

Oh, Hey, I Have A Blog!

What do you know! Turns out I wrote all this stuff, and then forgot about it.

Mostly, I've been too busy to write, but an odd counterpart to that is that nothing has happened to me that needs to be written down. Somehow my life is filled with things that are vital, time consuming, and un-noteworthy. Or at least un-noteworthy on a website my Mom reads.

So, whats new.... making tacos, listening to Will and Grace (I cant see the TV), and definitely starting to consider thinking about cleaning on some level... maybe.

Well, one neat thing is my boss has either a) decided it's time for me to show him what I can do, or b) is sick of me and is just finding makework assignments for me. He told me to handle the Sandpiper complex site plans, and make it really "pop", make it really "wow" the people he'll be showing it to. Trees, sidewalks, landscaping, etc. He said take as much time as I need, so I get the feeling it's just something to get me out of his hair while he does the important stuff.

Ah well... not much else to talk about, since no-one ever reads these.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Inexplicable Good Moods...

... are something that have puzzled me since it was first brought to my attention by Season 5 of Red Dwarf. The premise was that although there are negative virii, there are also positive virii, the most basic of which is a sort of reverse flu. Allow me to break copyright law:

Lister: "Thats happened to me. Me life's been turned to complete and utter crud, but I'll wake up feeling really good for no reason."

Kryten: "Odds are you contracted Dr. Langstrom's virus. 20th Century DJ's suffered from it all the time."

Now today has been just wonderful. I spend all morning fooling around with tiny little details of the legal plan because Doug is late and I have no work to do. He shows up, does a Whirling Dervish explanation of changes I have to make to the Happy Valley resort, and dashes off somewhere else. I get them all done, no problem, in time for the developer to come by and pick them up. Then the developer says "The tennis courts are still there. I wanted that to be a parking lot." I WAS NOT TOLD THIS, so I quickly make the changes while the developer hovers around. Luckily, he's a really nice guy.

THEN I get another Dervish explanation on things to do to a property downtown. Fine, no problem... except the drawings he give me have no names, no dates, and no filenames, so I dunno where the hell they are! I have to go through, file by file, directory by directory, on the server till I find the right one.

Now, in spite of all this, I'm happy. I'm in a good mood. I am stressed, cramping, my shoulders hurt, I haven't eaten since dinner last night and yet I am not hungry, but I'm in a good mood. Anyone know how to cultivate this virus? I might have a cure for heroin here.

Sunday, August 15, 2004

I Also Hate Mondays...

... a little bit more than Fridays.

Mainly because tomorrow is Monday. I'll get up, and instead of hanging around my house, playing with my son, eating waffles, watching Spongebob (with my son, he likes it, not me, honest) and generally enjoying myself.

But no! I have to go to work and somehow figure out how to get the proper legals from the city, which probably aren't in an easily e-mailable format, and complete this stupid unified legal plan, where most of the existing numbers don't agree with eachother (See post below).

Also, I found out that a buddy of mine whom I helped a lot in EDDT got a job paying $28 an hour. Yes, thats more than double my pay, and actually more than my dad makes after 30 years, and he just does HVAC stuff. I got an A in HVAC.

Anyways, thats about it from me. I meant to write this weekend. I promised my wife I'd write 10,000 words since I had all this free time. Instead, I spent most of it playing Diablo II, which is odd, because when I stop playing and start doing something constructive, I realize I don't like it. Then I see the computer, sit down, and beat another Act. Then I go wash the dishes, and realize I dont like Diablo II. I also bought a 2 liter of Coke, which I quit three times this year. Four. Five. No more than seven, I swear. Ten.

Ever get the feeling life would be simpler if you just picked up and threw a WHOLE bunch of shit away, and never looked back?

Friday, August 13, 2004

I Hate Fridays...

... but only a little bit less than Mondays.

See, with a Friday, you drag through the day with those thoughts circling your head, the thoughts that like to say "At home, there's nothing to do." They say "Why can't your boss duck out early, so you can duck out after him?" They say "Soon there will be two whole days to forget about the five previous days."

Unfortunately, today, I had to deal with some serious pissers at work. Pisser #1 - While working on the redesigned roof-plan and east wing additions to the El Dorado hotel, my computer crashed. No big whoop, I had just saved. However, upon re-booting and re-opening, I found that, despite having saved already today, as well as saved last night, the drawing had actually reverted to it's original condition of yesterday morning! This is, of course, impossible. Wendy, the other CAD monkey, agreed it was impossible. My basic knowledge of electronics states that this is impossible. Still, it happened. Thank the Gods for that age-old computing rule of "Whatever you have done, and lost, can be re-done in 1/4 of the time." True enough, I had done it all again in 30 minutes.

Pisser #2 - I was given several legal plans today for a big parcel of land downtown. The folder of information is about 60 pages thick, each one a different size and in different hand-writing. There are five individual legal plots, each with it's own building, and my boss wants them all to be on one, nice drawing. Easy, right? ONLY TWO OF THE PLOTS HAVE BEARINGS! The other three have distances in either meters or feet, and of the two that have bearings, one is North-bound clockwise, the other is East-bound counter clockwise. All together now... WHAT THE F***?

Pisser #3 - I've owned Big Sugar - Heated for about two years now, and I've never listened to it till today. I bought it because I love their stuff and I have most of their mp3's. Most. There's a buncha songs on there I've never heard, which haven't enriched my life until today. DAMMIT! Now I gotta find Hemi-Vision, since I haven't listened to it, either!

Ok, that last one wasn't really a pisser, more of a minor annoyance. But now, it's all good! I just found out that Snagglepuss wasn't taken on Battle.Net. All of the names I think of are always taken, usually, but I got 6 good ones this time. Smirnov, the Ice Paladin... BrainMeat, the Berzerker... JabbaZabba, the Amazon... QueenSizedFlamer, the Fire Sorceress... Skelevision the Necromancer, and now Snagglepuss the Werewolf! (Yes, Snagglepuss was a cat, stfu.)

Uhm.... extra-big post for me! Yay!

Thursday, August 12, 2004

It's A Beautiful Day To Kick Your Ass!

For anyone who cares, I was sick as a dog who had just eaten another dog who was probably also really sick last night. It was all I could do to lay on the couch and say "Stop that Sebastian... ahh, never mind." Ever seen that Simpsons episode where Bart ate the Jagged Metal Krusty-O? It was just like that, yeah, except it was combined with a few days of drinking super-strong coffee and eating cowboy hummus (pretty much beans and jalapenos). That and the stress which is my life conspired to try and make me take my own life last night.

But I persevered! I pressed on! I perspired profusely! I purposely pontificated plentifully! I also had problems falling asleep because I thought I was in a movie with Leonardo DiCaprio, but thats beside the point. I'm only KIND of sick now, as opposed to REALLY sick! HAH! Take that, reality!

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Trying Out Image Uploads

See if this works.......

Nope. The Upload Image function brings up a little box that says "You can't upload images HERE! Do it somewhere else, where it's illegal!" I am, of course, paraphrasing.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Why Can't Things Be Easy?

I mean, it'd be so cool if they were... I'd have more free time to selectively tackle the hard things. Right now, I'm just bitching to myself about how hard it's gonna be talking to Doug about the discontinuation of my employment here. He is becoming a generally nicer person, and the business around here isn't his fault, it just comes with the territory. In spite of that, I am not expecting to survive our encounter when I tell him that I want to move back to Kamloops.

I mean, sure, I want to find and train a replacement (the only guy to get higher grades than me is in town and looking for work) but I doubt he'll be able to see past the fact that I am quitting when I specifically said I wasn't going anywhere for a few years.

Ah well... these things happen.

Iiiiiiiiiiit's.... ME! Hooray!

So this is my newest new blog. I've gone through a couple of Blog websites so far, and they are all definitely above-adequate. However, I am not pleased with my adequacity. Adequatiousness is for other people, not me. I demand more than adequatification. I demand the ability to do cool text effects.

Yay me! So that brought me here. My wife found it. She's swell. I don't have much to write about now, because I am at work. I suppose I can write about work. It's pretty boring. I've spent the past hour wrestling with the DesignJet That Time Forgot, and finally getting it to print 66% of my blueprints. Unfortunately, the 66% is spread out in even 1/2" lines with 1/4" white gaps between them, so it's like a Mad fold-in with 200 creases. Mufuggin piece of crap....

Anyways, thats about it.