Friday, December 29, 2006

More Depressing Stuff....

So three speeches in two days.

One of Zalgite's fish died today. He was strangely comfortable with it, despite questions like "Can't we just leave him in there all night and all day and he'll wake up?" or "Will he go to a fish Church?" We went through the traditional Fish Flushing Funeral, and he wondered why I gave him a hug.

In bed, he asked me if City Grandma was sick. I asked which City Grandma, and he said "The one that died, and we went to the church, and had crackers." I explained that, yeah, she had been sick.

Son: When did she get sick?
Me: Well, a while ago. She was very old.
Son: Old people are sick?
Me: Some of them.
Son: When did she stop being sick?
Me: Uhm... when she died, I guess.
Son: When will we see her again?
Me: Uhm... we won't.
Son: When is she coming back?
Me: Uhm... she's not.
Son: Oh. That's not nice.
Me: I know.
Son: I can get new fish, from the Pet Store.
Me: Yes. Yes you can.

I Love the Christmas season.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Growing Up...

So I was talking with Zalgite in the car today (my son, almost five) and I told him that after Mom picks up his medicine from the pharmacist, we were heading "straight home". Here is the conversation:

Son: We'll go straight home?
Me: That's right.
Son: We'll go in a straight line?
Me: Almost.
Son: We won't turn left or right?
Me: No, we'll have to turn.
Son: Why?
Me: Well, because we'd crash.
Son: Then we'd have to go to the hospital!
Me: That's right.
Son: Then we'd have to go to the church!
Me: Well.... yeah, I suppose that's true.
Son: No, we wouldn't go to the church.
Me: We wouldn't?
Son: No, other people would go to the church, people who wanted to see us one more time.
Me: ..... Yeah. Yeah, they would.

I know kids are supposed to say these deep, profound things, but this almost made me sick, and I'm not sure which emotions were responsible. I'm glad that he remembers his great-grandma, my grandma, and her service at the church, but I'm also a little appalled at his grasp of the concept, and I don't even know if I could correct him.


It's my fondest hope that he grows up without having to be reminded of this.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Busy As Fark...

... I haven't even had time to put up Christmas lights outside. Now my house looks like a non-festive black hole in the happy-go-lucky Rancho Relaxo of Barnhartvale, where everyone has Christmas lights up 365 days a year because their house is too big to take them all down. Gyah! Busy! Whoo!

So, first thing's first... the Holly Cole concert. That definitely ranks up there as one of the best live shows I've seen, despite being the most non-thrashy live show I've seen. Holly Cole is a tiny, tiny person in real life, complete with little tiny fists of jazz fury. The chemistry between her and her bandmates is obvious, and extremely entertaining, and the fact that they're all about a billion times better than your average jazz quartet / quintet certainly helps. She sang Tom Waits (I had no idea she'd done an entire ALBUM of Tom Waits stuff!) and all the Christmas stuff, and came back for a 25 minute encore, including a 14 minute version of "I Can See Clearly Now". Plus, seeing the look on Throkky's face made it 100% worth it.

Of course, Throkky's back was DESTROYED by the crappy seating, and after the fucked up our tickets we had to change seats during the intermission, and go eight rows back just to get a good view of the stage, but that's besides the point.

Secondly, Christmas! WOO!! Six hours to go, and I am outta here for.... four days! Then I work three days next week, then a three day weekend, then a four day week, then a two day weekend! That's about the best I can hope for around here! YAYYY!

And lastly.... what the hell happened to Charlotte Church? Last time I saw her, she was a little 13 year old Welsh opera singer. WTF?!

It's just so wrong.

And lastly.... BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, December 15, 2006


Ok, this is a beef I've had with a lot of Internet forums over the years, but it's really starting to piss me off. I will now sum it up by quoting directly the mods from one such forum:

As a supposedly new poster, it isn't up to our community to deform to your wishes. It is up to you to try to fit in. Just like real life.

Just like real life... yup. Conform, or get kicked the fuck out. I know that these forums are being run by, basically, kids, but the entire concept of "Do what we say, without explanation or argument, and act like we do" is not how real life works (unless you're an American).

However, as is in real life, I have absolutely no power to affect change of any sort. If I tried, they would kick me out. If I commented, or complained, they would kick me out (See previous posts about VGC or NPF). If I protested, they would kick me out. If I boycotted... they wouldn't care.

Here, I am just venting, and I'm reasonably sure I won't get any sympathy there (particularly from people who read this from my ex-forums), but it just completely blows my mind, that given free reign, and effectively unlimited power and resources, and given all the freedom in the world to evolve and develop as people and moderators, all of these little Internet kingdoms have become frighteningly rigid dictatorships, where dissenters are kicked out, never to return.

But, in the interests of fair and balanced reporting, here's David Duke, doing what he does best. Going off-the-wall batshit loco. Pay careful attention when he starts talking about how Wolf only mentioned that he was in the KKK because Wolf is a Jew.

Pure gold.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Math Is Your Friend!

Unless you work for Verizon!

Listen to it, and weep for the species.

Paticularly at 3:30 is when you REEEEALLY get the sense that Verizon's hiring practices aren't really all that different than the local Wal-Mart Greeters Association... probably even more lax. If you can make it to the part where he basically gets the guy to say "One equals one, two equals two, but three doesn't equal three", then you have already probably cancelled your Verizon account.

So, more fun links I have to share...

Mary Poppins.... Rated R

Toy Story 2: Requiem for a Dream

Dilbert & Loathing in Las Vegas

Star Wars: The Brokeback Menace

Sleepless in Seattle.... Rated R

Big.... Rated R

Dodgeball: The Revenge

Gay Terminator II

Office Space.... Of Death

Also, me as a simpsons character:

Friday, December 08, 2006

"Luck"! Get it? Sounds almost exactly like "F..."

So last night, the dishwasher breaks on it's very second load ever. The grinding sound is deafening. I get under the dishwasher, and move the water hose (which is six feet long for some reason) which was trapped under the motor housing, and the power cable (which is five feet long) which was wrapped AROUND the water hose. Then I run the dishwasher. It's still grinding. Steph decides not to deal with reality for a little while, and goes to check her e-mail while I deal with tech support while holding a baby.

I call Future Shop, they transfer me. I call their service company, but they're closed. I leave a message.

Then inspiration hits, and I get back inside the dishwasher, take out the solids trap, empty it out, and get my fingers into the garburator / filter, and pull out the screw that got ripped out of the undercounter when the dishwasher tipped over the other night. I had found ONE of the screws, and the other apparently stayed inside the door lip, and fell into the dishwasher.

I fired up the dishwasher, there was some minor grinding, then it ran fine again.

Ran two loads last night, and feeling good about my life.

So, naturally, my car battery is dead dead dead this morning because a door was left open. I have to call my mother in law to give the car a jump so I can get in to work and only be 45 minutes late for a meeting that I promised to be at, and with no guarantee my car will start when I have to head home tonight before the office Christmas party.

Oh, and my knee popped out of place again when I pushed the car out of the carport, and then had to stop it from rolling into a snowbank.

I need whiskey...

Monday, December 04, 2006

Meme! Meme! Pick meme!

Doing this for my friend Kat, and her naked ex-husband.

1. Go to, and find the greatest hits for the year you turned 18 (on the left-hand side)
2. Select at least the first 40
3. Bold the ones you like
4. Strike out the ones you hate
5. Italicize the ones you are familiar with but neither like nor hate
6 Leave the ones you don't know as is.

1. I Don't Want To Miss a Thing - Aerosmith
2. Everybody (Backstreet's Back) - Backstreet Boys
3. Jump Jive An' Wail - Brian Setzer Orchestra
4. I Want You Back - N*Sync
5. The Cup of Life - Ricky Martin
6. Too Close - Next
7. Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life) - Green Day
8. From This Moment On - Shania Twain
9. My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion
10. Suavemente - Elvis Crespo
11. Nice & Slow - Usher
12. Tearin' Up My Heart - *NSYNC
13. A Song For Mama - Boyz II Men
14. The Boy Is Mine - Brandy & Monica
15. Ghetto Supastar (That Is What You Are) - Pras Michel
16. Intergalactic - Beastie Boys
17. Stay (Wasting Time) - Dave Matthews Band

18. No, No, No part 2 - Destiny's Child
19. This Is How We Party - S.O.A.P.
20. I'll Be - Edwin McCain
21. Just The Two of Us - Will Smith
22. Love Me - 112
23. Gettin' Jiggy Wit It - Will Smith
24. Zoot Suit Riot - Cherry Poppin' Daddies
25. Landslide - Fleetwood Mac
26. As Long As You Love Me - Backstreet Boys
27. All My Life - K-Ci and JoJo
28. Because Of You - 98 Degrees (98°)
29. Closing Time - Semisonic
30. Been Around The World - Puff Daddy
31. Doin' Time - Sublime
32. Iris - Goo Goo Dolls
33. I'm Your Angel - R Kelly & Celine Dion
34. You're Still The One - Shania Twain
35. This Kiss - Faith Hill
36. It's All About The Benjamins - Puff Daddy
37. My All - Mariah Carey
38. Truly Madly Deeply - Savage Garden
39. Are You That Somebody? - Aaliyah
40. Walking On The Sun - Smash Mouth
41. Roxanne '97 - Puff Daddy Rimix - The Police
42. Lollipop (Candyman) - Aqua
43. Ooh La La - Rod Stewart
44. One More Night - Amber
45. My Favorite Mistake - Sheryl Crow
46. Stop - Spice Girls
47. Thank U - Alanis Morisette
48. Kind and Generous - Natalie Merchant
49. I Don't Want To Wait - Paula Cole
50. 3 AM - Matchbox 20
51. Goodbye - Spicegirls
52. My Way - Usher
53. Kiss The Rain - Billie Myers
54. Been Around the World - Puff Daddy
55. Pink - Aerosmith
56. One Week - Barenaked Ladies
57. Sweetest Thing - U2
58. Luv Me, Luv Me - Shaggy & Janet Jackson
59. The Way - Fastball
60. Real World - Matchbox 20
61. I'll Never Break Your Heart - Backstreet Boys
62. Ray of Light - Madonna
63. Shimmer - Fuel
64. Sex and Candy - Marcy Playground

65. Hey Now Now - Swirl 360
66. Doo Wop (That Thing) Lauren Hill
67. Torn - Natalie Imbruglia
68. Can't Get Enough Of You Baby - Smash Mouth

69. Adia - Sarah McLachlen
70. Bitter Sweet Symphony - the Verve
71. Rockafeller Skank - Fatboy Slim

72. Never Ever - All Saints
73. Brick - Ben Folds Five
74. Flagpole Sitta - Harvey Danger

75. Turn Back Time - Aqua

WOW, was there a LOT OF CRAP that year....

Saturday, December 02, 2006

So Much For The High Ground...

Borrowed from someone on the PVP forums...

After “Seinfeld” regular Michael Richards screamed racial epithets at two hecklers at a comedy club in West Hollywood, Calif., he “went to look for them, [but] they had gone,” he said. “I’ve tried to meet them, to talk to them, to get some healing.” So where did Frank McBride and Kyle Doss go?

To Gloria Allred, a civil rights lawyer. She complains Richards “has not apologized to his victims directly, face to face, man to man.” But then again, she said, “Our clients were vulnerable…. He singled them out and he taunted them, and he did it in a closed room where they were captive.” Therefore, she says, “It’s not enough to say ‘I’m sorry’.” She thus suggests Richards should meet with McBride and Doss before a retired judge, who would suggest monetary compensation as a way to avoid a lawsuit. (AP)

Available for a reasonable price: McBride and Doss’s dignity.
Already sold for less: Allred’s dignity.


Friday, December 01, 2006

Profanity-Laced Festivities!

Well, they fixed the problems in my house... we'll see how long that lasts! Still, I have to say, I was pleased with their service after they got back to the place, so I'm not MAD... just irritated.

Anyways, here's my profane playlist for the season!

My last Christmas album I made:

* The Arrogant Worms - Christmas in Ignace
* Weezer - The Christmas Song
* Better than Ezra - Merry Christmas Eve
* Blink 182 - I Won't Be Home For Christmas
* Blink 182 - The Fucking Christmas Song
* Bob & Doug MacKenzie - 12 Beers of Christmas
* Red Peters - Holy Shit, It's Christmas
* Monty Python feat. Gary Glitter - Christmas in Heaven
* Mr Oogie Boogie - The Oogie Boogie Song
* Radio Free Vestibule - Christmas on Acid
* Southpark - Dreidel Dreidel Dreidel
* Southpark - It's Hard To Be A Jew On Christmas
* Southpark feat. Mr Mackey - Carol of the Bells
* Southpark feat. Mr Garrisson - Merry Fucking Christmas
* The Eels - Christmas is Going to the Dogs
* Tom Waits - Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis
* The Muppets feat. Statler & Waldorf - Marley & Marley
* Monster Magnet - Dead Christmas
* Holly Cole - Santa Baby
* Everclear - Santa Baby
* The Arrogant Worms - Santa's Gonna Kick Your Ass
* Wierd Al - The Night Santa Went Crazy
* Mojo Nixon - Boogie Woogie Santa Claus
* Kermit the Frog - Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

Yes, it's profane, but it's all festive, and shit!

Merry Freakin' December

So, you all know that last month when the dishwasher busted, and water flooded into our subfloor and basement, we called the insurance company and set it up so that these contractors would come in and fix it. Well, they came in on Monday / Tuesday and fixed the structure, and Kami Carpets came in Wednesday / Thursday to fix the floor, put in new lino and baseboards.

Well, we JUST found out they SHOT A FUCKING NAIL THROUGH A HOT WATER PIPE.... know what that means?

We have water underneath our subfloor, and is now dripping into our basement, AND we had to turn off the hot water. Throkky is just about tipped over the edge, since she's been out at the farm, unable to go outside because of the weather, and she's been home since last night with every appliance in our house stacked in the living room, unable to even make macaroni... and now they have to come back AGAIN, fix the floor AGAIN, put down new lino AGAIN, new baseboards AGAIN, and this time NOT SHOOT THE FUCKING HOT WATER PIPES WITH NAILS...

... and who knows how long it's going to take. For the excess of four grand that we're paying them, it had really, really, really be done before I get home from work.


UPDATE: It's morning, 8:55am, and they showed up with a plumber. I'll keep you posted!