Gazziza Dilznoofus...

... my homeys!

I miss NewsRadio. Although theoretically this should be a review, I wanted to use Gazziza Dilznoofus as a title, so it's going here. Although the writing by itself would have been stilted and dead under most circumstances, the phenomenal combination of acting talent and said writing conspired to make one of the greatest and most original sitcoms ever. Follow me as we peruse some of my favorite quotes:

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Mr. James: It's an oxymoron, you know...
Beth: Like Swiss cheese.
Mr. James: Right...

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Matthew: So.. what part of africa are you from?
Catherine: Shut up.
Matthew: No, seriously.. say something in african!
Catherine: Shut the f.. (cut to next scene)

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Mr. James: I am a cypher, a cypher wrapped in an enigma... smothered in secret sauce.

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[Reading from his autobiography, translated into Japanese and back into English]
Mr. James: I never doubted myself for a minute, for I knew that my monkey-strong bowels were girded with strength like the loins of a dragon ribboned with fat and the opulence of buffalo... [pauses while turning page]... dung.

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Mr. James: Dave, I don't know if you've noticed this, but most of the stuff that I do is weirder than hell.

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Mr. James: Let me tell you something, little Miss... Advertising pays our bills, alright... advertising pays your salary... advertising is what made this country great... What was the Constitution of the United States?... No! It is an advertisement... an advertisement for liberty... when in the course of human events... I'm telling you... that's up there with 'Put a Tiger in your tank' and 'Where's the beef'... Don't you understand? I'm sorry... I've got to get some air... Hell if it wasn't for advertising... you know what you two'd be doing, huh? You two'd be giving out Sesame Street tote bags during PBS pledge breaks... 'cept they wouldn't say Sesame Street on them.. Nooo... they wouldn't say that... that would be....? ADVERTISING!!! That's Right!! Hell, if you two had your way there probably wouldn't even be any Sesame Street would there?... Would there?!! There'd be no Ernie would there... Nooooo.... there'd be no Bert... bye bye, bye bye to Grover... bye bye to Cookie Monster... NO! There'd be no Snuffleupagus, would there, and get that trash can... cause there'd be no Oscar the Grouch... NOT TO MENTION... KERMIT, THE DAMN FROG!!!! [runs from the room crying]

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Bill: Gazziza Dilznoofus, it's Bill McNeal saying get with the crezappy taste of Rocketfuel Malt Liquor... Rocketfuel's got tha upstate prison flavor that keeps you ugly all night long. So when you wanna get sick remember, nothing makes yo' feet stank like Rocketfuel Malt Liquor... DAMN! It's crezappy!!!

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Bill: Have you ever heard the expression, ‘When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then throw it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you originally asked for?’

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Mr James: Say Dave is yor mom still married to that guy? What's his name?
Dave: My dad? Yes.

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[Reading cards from the complaint box]
Dave : "You suck." "You suck." "Howard Stern rules." "If you can read this you are a dork." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a girl." "We need more complaint cards." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a guy."
Joe : Hey.
Dave : [pulling out a fortune cookie slip] "You will go on a journey, happy long time." "Matthew is a moron." "No I'm not." "Yes you are." "No I'm not infinity." "Yes you are infinity plus one." And this one, "I have doobie in my funk," which I assume is some sort of reference to the Parliament Funkadelic song, "Chocolate City." Uh, "You got peanut butter in my chocolate. You got chocolate in my peanut butter. Together they taste like crap." "Matthew has been staring at me all day... and I like it." I don't think I get this one, it says, "I try to be good hard-worker-man, but refrigemater so messy, so so messy."
Lisa : I think that one's probably from Milos, the janitor.
Dave : Oh. Refrigem... oh, then that one's legitimate.
[continues reading the complaint cards]
Dave : Uh, "Who's the black private dick who's the sex machine with all the chicks."
Bill , Beth , Lisa , Matthew , Joe : SHAFT.
Bill : I thought we'd all enjoy that.
Dave : [reading one last card] And, "Help, I'm being held prisoner in a complaint box," which is actually kinda funny.

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[Talking about his vacation in Japan]
Matthew : You would've loved it, David. A week in a foreign country, strange people, strange customs...
Dave : Oh, I know what you mean. I've been to Canada.

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[Dave and Lisa are forced to campaign for a job neither wants]
Bill : I have a two-part question, chief. One, what does Lisa look like naked? And two, what does Lisa feel like naked? This question is for both candidates.
Dave : I'll field this one. As a prospective news director, it would be improper for me to answer that question. But if the unthinkable was to happen and I was to lose this election, well, then I could answer that question in almost pornographic detail.
Bill : Gooood answer.

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Joe : You can't take something off the Internet. It's like taking pee out of a swimming pool.

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Beth : Well of course there is a difference. Pretty means pretty. Cute means pretty but short and/or hyperactive - like me.
Lisa : Uh huh. What is beautiful?
Beth : Beautiful means pretty and tall.
Lisa : Gorgeous?
Beth : Pretty with great hair.
Lisa : Striking?
Beth : Pretty with a big nose.
Lisa : OK, you're making this up.
Beth : That's ridiculous, why would I make it up?
Lisa : Voluptuous?
Beth : Pretty and fat.
Lisa : Sexy?
Beth : Pretty and easy.
Lisa : Exotic?
Beth : Ugly

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Lisa : He won't even admit that he's jealous. That is the thing that just drives me crazy.
Beth : You know, I do not blame you. If my boyfriend acted like that, I would go absolutely bitch-cakes.
Lisa : Bitch-cakes?
Beth : I just made that up. Think it's gonna catch on?

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[Mindlessly hooked on the White Noise Machine]
Mr. James : Lost a satellite on liftoff today.
Dave : Cost?
Mr. James : 10 million dollars.
Dave : Result?
Mr. James : Extreme set back.
Dave : Milk?
Mr. James : Spilled.
Dave : Gonna cry about it?
Mr. James : Not even.
Dave : I'm sitting on a rather sharp tack. Have been for an hour.
Mr. James : That's gotta hurt.
Dave : Well, life's a bitch...
Mr. James : ...And then you die.
Dave : My...
Mr. James : ...oh...
Dave : ...my.

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Jimmy James : It's like I'm under siege, like that movie.
Dave : Under Siege?
Jimmy James : No...
Dave : Under Siege 2?
Jimmy James : No...
Dave : Under Siege 3?
Jimmy James : That's the one.

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[Lisa has discovered that Dave is really Canadian, not from Wisconsin as he claimed]
Lisa : What is this all about?
Dave : What is what all abooo-... um, what's what?
Lisa : You're afraid to say it. You've got nothing to hide, Dave. Say "about".
Dave : No.
Lisa : Say "out".
Dave : No.
Lisa : "Couch."
Dave : No.
Lisa : "House."
Dave : Look, your honor, I plead the fifth.
Lisa : I don't think you can do that, Dave.
Dave : I can too, eh.