One Reader...

... well, fucking super.

Anyways, I am using this without Bill Stewarts permissoin, but I make no claims that it is mine:

" "Gateway Drugs" are such a tired bogus line. If you want a statistically significant "gateway drug", try tobacco and alcohol. Almost anybody who's tried illegal drugs has also tried both first (imagine a heroin user saying "Booze? No, that's bad for you, I'd never try that!"), and while some kids may find it easier to _buy_ illegal drugs than to buy booze in a store, it's still easy for them to find enough alcohol and tobacco to decide if they like it. Some kids try booze and like getting wasted, and look for more wastage drugs; some kids try tobacco and like looking cool, feeling edgy but calm and getting really cranky when you need more, and annoying people around them with their behavior, and go looking for speed and coke.

For one of my friends, though, marijuana was a gateway drug. After the first time he got stoned, he said "Wow! They really LIED to me about pot! I wonder what ELSE they lied to me about?" and headed off to try all the other things they'd told him were Bad, many of which he also liked, though a few of them he decided really _were_ bad.

And while we're at it, what message would it send to our kids? We might send the message that when _adults_ are wrong about things, they admit it and change their minds, or we might send the message that when adults are wrong, we tell kids that they have to do what we say Because We Said It and we'll make up whatever bogus lies will scare them into believing us, just like we do about so many other things.

Bill Stewart
Well, America is now More Dangerous. Does that make us Safer?"

So Who Reads Me?

I've only gotten 4 comments ever, and 3 of them was one guy hitting the "Send" button a few too many times. The 4th comment was from someone doing a search for NewsRadio and coming accross my list of quotes. Awfully discouraging when you have a look at some of the blogs out there, I think.

Well, could people who do read this just post something so I know how many of you I have to pander to?

The Past Few Days...

... sucked.

Let's start with Monday. 4:10 pm, I restart my computer because it has run out of memory like it always does. Naturally, it has problems restarting (it always has). Takes 5, 10, 15, 20 tries to get it going sometimes. This time... it doesn't restart.

The next morning, (tuesday) I show up a half hour early... and after an hour and a half of trying, I can't get it to start. We bring in an outside computer after determining the motherboard has kakked. I manage to get it barely working, with no Network card and an amazing 16-color display. Not 16 bit. 16 color.

Doug's tech guy shows up, has one look, and says "You need a new computer" and leaves. Doug, believing him instantly (I mean, sure, it's true, but I said it, too) tells me to look up options for a new computer. Fine.

10:45 am Wednesday morning I get the surrogate up to speed. Sure it's a drop from 333MHz to 233MHz, but it has colors and the network functions, so bite me. Now I can live out my final days here on a craptacular computer with a video card worth more than our entire setup at home.

PS: One snag: anytime I try to save accross the network, there is a 4 minute hang. Haaang!

Reasons America Doesn't Deserve Anything...

... when, to quote the article, a country with a $300,000,000,000 peacetime military budget can't find a nuclear bomb dropped in twelve feet of water off the coast of Georgia fourty years ago. Instead it takes a hobbyist treasure hunter with a Geiger counter purchased from Wal-Mart to locate it, and send a GPS co-ordinate to the US military. In addition, the bomb has been sitting above a fresh-water aquifer used by a Georgia town, steadily radiating everything passing underneath it.

Only SLIGHTLY more depressing is this is only one of the 50 or so nulcear bombs that they dumped over land or water and were never, ever found (including one dropped over a farm in North Carolina). I tell you, letting the government play with nukes is just PROOF that Americans are too stupid to vote properly.

No offense.

And Now For Something Completely Different...

... a new segment I like to call "Thank Gord It's Friday". We will celebrate by reading amusing things that OTHER people wrote. My wrists hurt.

First off, the winner of this weeks Best Headline: Dick Assault Case Settled

Next, we have Most Retarded Product Roll-out: The Canyonero

Finally, we close with Best Political Snow-Job: Bush And Kerry vs Intelligence

I hope this helps your day go by faster.

As for the stuff I would normally have to write, I really can't think of anything. It's early, I slept in as my alarm clock had the volume mysteriously turned down. Uhm... I made about 2 gallons of hamburger soup last night. It's delicious. Uhm... stop staring at me!

Ok, musical reccommendations for the day. Download them or die.

Seether - Fine Again
Breach of Trust - Complicated
Cleavage - Riddled
Clutch - The Mob Goes Wild
MST3K - The Canada Song
Southpark - Cartman Stoned (radio interview)
Cypress Hill - Hits From The Bong
Big Sugar - Trouble In The City
Corky & The Juice Pigs - I'm The Only Gay Eskimo

Thats it. Go away. Do something constructive.

So There I Was...

... walking along, minding my own business, when I found irrefutable evidence that mankind has moved past the apex of intelligence. Parked in front of the Keg next to my office was a very nice car, the Mazra RX-8. If ever a car looked like it was lying in wait to pounce on and devour some small mammal that happened to wander by, it was this car. That actually made me feel good, but it was the vanity plates that really irked me.

The read "RX-8".

Now, I'm all for vanity plates, since the money is collected as government funds, and Lord knows they need more money, what with giving themselves big bonuses and shutting down low-income housing. But the car clearly says RX-8 on three sides, do you need further identification? Jeez, this guy could have written for 'Friends', he was so creative.

Also, I found the Fountain of Youth over the weekend. If we could somehow brew a tea from the dried remains of Keith Richards, it would undoubtedly bestow the same limitless lifespan and invulnerabilities. True, he is still 'alive', but I'm sure he'd survive the brewing process.

ALSO:

I forgot to add this morning: birds are stupid. Biking along to work, the sidewalk juts out around an exterior seating area of a small restaraunt. I zoom around it, and as I found the final bit of curve, a tiny bits takes off like a shot fromthe pavement (sleeping or eating, I don't know.) Anyway, it's off like a shot and slams right into a parking meter with a "bong" I hear over the melodious sounds of "Foo Fighters - Good Grief" playing over my headphones. It jigs sideways for a few feet, corrects, and keeps going on it's original course.

Stupid Blogger...

... wouldn't let me log in for 2 days now. I enter my UN and PW, and it takes me to the "Please Log In To Continue" page. I enter my UN and PW, and it takes me to the "Please Log In To Continue" page. I enter my UN and PW, and it takes me to the "Please Log In To Continue" page. I enter my UN and PW, and it takes me to the "Please Log In To Continue" page. I enter my UN and PW, and it takes.... well, you get the idea. The marvels of technology.

So I forgot whatever it was I was going to write all about the last few times I tried to log in. Something about monkeys, no doubt. And Milli Vanilli. Monkey Vanilli solves everything.

Main news of the day for me: The 4 Km Wide Thermonuclear Mushroom Cloud Over North Korea

I am about to do my comprehensive review of Childrens Programming in my Reviews Blog, who's link you can find at the top of this page under 'Crazy Vegeta'.

PS: Can someone tell me why my son likes to put trail mix in his ears?

I Get An Office...

... in my new place!

Well, not in the classical sense. Apparently it has a decent-sized basement, once big enough to put ALL of Steph's accursed sewing stuff into, as well as my weight set. The rest will be used for storage. It also has a den, so that'll be our computer room. The PC, though, not my laptop. That's for my office.

I figure since the rest of the basement will be filled with boxes, I can arrange them like a little fort, maybe throw a blanket over the top and put a lamp in it. I can line the inside with posters, put my TV tray in there and my comfy camping chair, and have my little 20 square feet of privacy. I wonder how hard it is to install a door into a jamb made entirely of cardboard...

This Space Left Intentionally Blank...

... except for this. And this. And this. And this...

Gazziza Dilznoofus...

... my homeys!

I miss NewsRadio. Although theoretically this should be a review, I wanted to use Gazziza Dilznoofus as a title, so it's going here. Although the writing by itself would have been stilted and dead under most circumstances, the phenomenal combination of acting talent and said writing conspired to make one of the greatest and most original sitcoms ever. Follow me as we peruse some of my favorite quotes:

-

Mr. James: It's an oxymoron, you know...
Beth: Like Swiss cheese.
Mr. James: Right...

-

Matthew: So.. what part of africa are you from?
Catherine: Shut up.
Matthew: No, seriously.. say something in african!
Catherine: Shut the f.. (cut to next scene)

-

Mr. James: I am a cypher, a cypher wrapped in an enigma... smothered in secret sauce.

-

[Reading from his autobiography, translated into Japanese and back into English]
Mr. James: I never doubted myself for a minute, for I knew that my monkey-strong bowels were girded with strength like the loins of a dragon ribboned with fat and the opulence of buffalo... [pauses while turning page]... dung.

-

Mr. James: Dave, I don't know if you've noticed this, but most of the stuff that I do is weirder than hell.

-

Mr. James: Let me tell you something, little Miss... Advertising pays our bills, alright... advertising pays your salary... advertising is what made this country great... What was the Constitution of the United States?... No! It is an advertisement... an advertisement for liberty... when in the course of human events... I'm telling you... that's up there with 'Put a Tiger in your tank' and 'Where's the beef'... Don't you understand? I'm sorry... I've got to get some air... Hell if it wasn't for advertising... you know what you two'd be doing, huh? You two'd be giving out Sesame Street tote bags during PBS pledge breaks... 'cept they wouldn't say Sesame Street on them.. Nooo... they wouldn't say that... that would be....? ADVERTISING!!! That's Right!! Hell, if you two had your way there probably wouldn't even be any Sesame Street would there?... Would there?!! There'd be no Ernie would there... Nooooo.... there'd be no Bert... bye bye, bye bye to Grover... bye bye to Cookie Monster... NO! There'd be no Snuffleupagus, would there, and get that trash can... cause there'd be no Oscar the Grouch... NOT TO MENTION... KERMIT, THE DAMN FROG!!!! [runs from the room crying]

-

Bill: Gazziza Dilznoofus, it's Bill McNeal saying get with the crezappy taste of Rocketfuel Malt Liquor... Rocketfuel's got tha upstate prison flavor that keeps you ugly all night long. So when you wanna get sick remember, nothing makes yo' feet stank like Rocketfuel Malt Liquor... DAMN! It's crezappy!!!

-

Bill: Have you ever heard the expression, ‘When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then throw it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you originally asked for?’

-

Mr James: Say Dave is yor mom still married to that guy? What's his name?
Dave: My dad? Yes.

-

[Reading cards from the complaint box]
Dave : "You suck." "You suck." "Howard Stern rules." "If you can read this you are a dork." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a girl." "We need more complaint cards." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a guy."
Joe : Hey.
Dave : [pulling out a fortune cookie slip] "You will go on a journey, happy long time." "Matthew is a moron." "No I'm not." "Yes you are." "No I'm not infinity." "Yes you are infinity plus one." And this one, "I have doobie in my funk," which I assume is some sort of reference to the Parliament Funkadelic song, "Chocolate City." Uh, "You got peanut butter in my chocolate. You got chocolate in my peanut butter. Together they taste like crap." "Matthew has been staring at me all day... and I like it." I don't think I get this one, it says, "I try to be good hard-worker-man, but refrigemater so messy, so so messy."
Lisa : I think that one's probably from Milos, the janitor.
Dave : Oh. Refrigem... oh, then that one's legitimate.
[continues reading the complaint cards]
Dave : Uh, "Who's the black private dick who's the sex machine with all the chicks."
Bill , Beth , Lisa , Matthew , Joe : SHAFT.
Bill : I thought we'd all enjoy that.
Dave : [reading one last card] And, "Help, I'm being held prisoner in a complaint box," which is actually kinda funny.

-

[Talking about his vacation in Japan]
Matthew : You would've loved it, David. A week in a foreign country, strange people, strange customs...
Dave : Oh, I know what you mean. I've been to Canada.

-

[Dave and Lisa are forced to campaign for a job neither wants]
Bill : I have a two-part question, chief. One, what does Lisa look like naked? And two, what does Lisa feel like naked? This question is for both candidates.
Dave : I'll field this one. As a prospective news director, it would be improper for me to answer that question. But if the unthinkable was to happen and I was to lose this election, well, then I could answer that question in almost pornographic detail.
Bill : Gooood answer.

-

Joe : You can't take something off the Internet. It's like taking pee out of a swimming pool.

-

Beth : Well of course there is a difference. Pretty means pretty. Cute means pretty but short and/or hyperactive - like me.
Lisa : Uh huh. What is beautiful?
Beth : Beautiful means pretty and tall.
Lisa : Gorgeous?
Beth : Pretty with great hair.
Lisa : Striking?
Beth : Pretty with a big nose.
Lisa : OK, you're making this up.
Beth : That's ridiculous, why would I make it up?
Lisa : Voluptuous?
Beth : Pretty and fat.
Lisa : Sexy?
Beth : Pretty and easy.
Lisa : Exotic?
Beth : Ugly

-

Lisa : He won't even admit that he's jealous. That is the thing that just drives me crazy.
Beth : You know, I do not blame you. If my boyfriend acted like that, I would go absolutely bitch-cakes.
Lisa : Bitch-cakes?
Beth : I just made that up. Think it's gonna catch on?

-

[Mindlessly hooked on the White Noise Machine]
Mr. James : Lost a satellite on liftoff today.
Dave : Cost?
Mr. James : 10 million dollars.
Dave : Result?
Mr. James : Extreme set back.
Dave : Milk?
Mr. James : Spilled.
Dave : Gonna cry about it?
Mr. James : Not even.
Dave : I'm sitting on a rather sharp tack. Have been for an hour.
Mr. James : That's gotta hurt.
Dave : Well, life's a bitch...
Mr. James : ...And then you die.
Dave : My...
Mr. James : ...oh...
Dave : ...my.

-

Jimmy James : It's like I'm under siege, like that movie.
Dave : Under Siege?
Jimmy James : No...
Dave : Under Siege 2?
Jimmy James : No...
Dave : Under Siege 3?
Jimmy James : That's the one.

-

[Lisa has discovered that Dave is really Canadian, not from Wisconsin as he claimed]
Lisa : What is this all about?
Dave : What is what all abooo-... um, what's what?
Lisa : You're afraid to say it. You've got nothing to hide, Dave. Say "about".
Dave : No.
Lisa : Say "out".
Dave : No.
Lisa : "Couch."
Dave : No.
Lisa : "House."
Dave : Look, your honor, I plead the fifth.
Lisa : I don't think you can do that, Dave.
Dave : I can too, eh.

I Don't Get Mad, I Get Stabby...

... said Fat Tony matter-of-factly.

Yes, my lifelong dream of the past thirty-five minutes has now been to open a 'Legitimate Businessmans Club' in Kamloops, preferably down a short flight of stairs from street level. Bar, card tables, pool table, big screen TV... and if anyone comes in, we'll just sit there and stare at them until they leave. Our black suits are compulsory.

Oh Crikey...

... they finally, really, screwed it up.

They're making a freaking Aeon Flux movie. I mean... just... buh... HOW in the hell could anyone have possibly watched the cartoon, and thought to themselves, "You know what the world needs? This, done live action, feature length, with Charlize Theron."

Holy snap and crap, Jebus, what were they thinking? Topping things off, this is being written by the guy who wrote The Tuxedo. Yes, the Jackie Chan childrens epic about a magic.... tuxedo. It's being produced by the guy who did Pootie Tang and Jackass: The Movie. And need I point out, FREAKING Charlize Theron!? Come on, there had to be somebody less Aeon-like they could have gotten.... maybe Mike Meyers.

Well, on the plus side, Peter Jackson's company is doing Evangelion Neon Genesis, so that'll be sweet.

Do Not Feed The Yog-Sothoth...

... since that might not be his mouth you're reaching for.

I shall soon be adding a new sidebar, my Link of the Day (or week, depending how often I post). I am coming accross so many goofy sites that I really, really must share with people. Sluggy Freelance, for instance, is a daily webcomic that has been around since 1997. Thats right, slightly more than 2500 back-issues of this comic are stored on that website, and since at some point he went from 4 panel black and white to full-page color every day, that is a lot of stuff to read. I'm only up to February 3rd, 1998, in the archives.

Another favorite is Chopping Block, the life and misadventures of Butch, the lovable cannibalistic psychotic mass murderer. The darkest, grimmest, and funniest single-panel comic I have yet come accross.

Lastly for today is my old favorite, Bad Movies. Although I think Bomtreger has been sent to Iraq, his site persists, and there will undoubtedly be movies you love somewhere on his list, and definitely some you have never, ever heard of (like a 1942 US Navy Venereal Disease training and awareness video.)

Peace out!