Mighty Jalapeno's Blog Has Moved

What Sort Of Head?

2007-07-05T10:30:00.000-07:00

Link --> A Marblehead! <-- Link

A New Year, A New Life, A New Blog

2007-06-13T09:08:00.001-07:00

So, I've been thinking... I'm not a huge fan of this blog anymore. I don't feel inspired to write here, the color scheme is SO 2003, and I feel like all I do here is whine and bitch and complain, instead of what I should be doing, which is waxing philosophical and enlightening the masses (which is how my dad would describe whining and bitching and complaining, but whatever). Therefore, I am going to be firing up a new blog, and best of all, it's NOT going to be one that you have to register to comment (unlike SOME blogging places *cough*LiveJournal*cough*).

I have been stockpiling free music and pictures, and I figure if I get myself on a real schedule, and stuff, I'll be able to keep on top of this one. A new layout, new and improved spiffinosity... in fact, a whole new me. I will post a link here at the top of this one, so people who only have this link can find my new one. Even so, I can't decide on a new name for my blog. I've been Mighty Jalapeno for so long, it's all I know how to be.

Suggestions?

Busy... Busier.... DEAD!

2007-05-17T15:13:00.001-07:00

Ok, to sum up my immediate future:

I was on TV yesterday. I'll be dropping off a blank tape at the studio tomorrow so they can put a copy of it onto a tape, then I'll find some way to put the tape onto a viewable format, and then upload it onto YouTube (I might be such a cheap bastard that I'll just aim the camera at the TV and record it that way). Since then I've gotten 96 unique hits on my website, and one interested party looking into straw bale homes. Consequently, I really have to finish the website ( http://www.thinktankdesigns.ca ).

Nextly.... that's a word, right? Nextly, I have to get my boards and presentation material AND Powerpoint stuff ready for the Energy Fair, where I will be touting said business for eight hours to people interested in energy efficient housing. I also have to give a presentation to all of them at some point without barfing on myself.

Thirdly, I have to make up my half-page advertisment for the booklet that's being distributed by the thousands AT the fair.

Fourthly, the Seniors Guide (http://www.seniorsguide.ca ) is up and running again, and I have to complete the Victoria guide in about three weeks, on top of everything else I'm doing here.

Fifthly, I am really behind on my writing projects, which I have been putting off like crazy.

Sixthly, I have a full-time job at work, and a full-time job at home, plus yard work and farm work.

Seventhly, I have to go over here and die a little inside.

....

So, to everyone who keeps bugging me and bugging me to blog.... there, I blogged, now shut the fuck up.

Welp...

2007-05-07T09:18:00.001-07:00

... I finally got a good night's sleep, and my stomach finally isn't sending shooting pains from my ass through to my eyeballs, so all in all, I think it's safe to call today "Recovery Day #1". With any luck, tomorrow will be "Exercise Day #1", assuming, of course, Throkette either miraculously stays asleep in her crib all night (like she did last night.... wierd), or Throkky lets me put her on the mattress in her room. Whoopee!

Also.... I think that, after 18 years, thousands of dollars, thousands of hours and millions of kills.... I think I'm finally getting bored of the computer! I mean, over the past week, I've only set up my laptop at home twice. At first that was because I was too busy to sit down for a minute to check my forums or anything, but then it just became because there wasn't anything I really, really wanted to do. I can't find my "The Movies" disc, and it's driving me NUTS, because now I'm afraid I have to go buy a new one to replace the one I got for Christmas that I used for all of 45 minutes.... but other than that, and a few writing projects in my head, there's nothing I feel like doing on the computer. Chatting on the forums has lost it's luster, my blog is just self-gratification (and you're ALL watching!) and most of my games now bore the whatever out of me.

I think... I'm finally bored of computers.

This couldn't have happened at a better time. Now when I look at my computer, I think "I should really work on my CCG", or "I should work on my website", or "I should talk to building suppliers and start building a catalogue" or "I should work on a story", or "I should play a little Alpha Centauri..."

...

What? I love that game.

Anyways, this is a break through (or a break down? MAYBE!!!) for me, and I hope it means positive things. I can't handle many more negative things.

And now, I'm off to save a building from imminent collapse. Cadmonkey, AWAY!!!

Allright, Confession Time

2007-05-01T12:48:00.001-07:00

Over the past three months, between the wonderful joys of working my day job, doing the Seniors Guide, handling Throkette during the evenings and nights, getting ThinkTank Designs off the ground, and generally making sure we have enough money to keep us from becoming destitute, I've let my diet and activity levels slide. Those of you who knew me before are probably thinking "Yeah, but you were already at rock bottom, how much could you have slid?"

Quite a bit.

I myself have noticed quite a bit of chunking-up in the past few months, something I've never actually NOTICED before (it's never happened fast enough for me to ever look down and think "I look bigger than I did not too long ago...") It's always been a slow, steady climb. Lately, though, I have most definitely noticed extra weight. I'll spare you all any gross details, but needless to say... it's there. Now, Throkky has somewhere between bupkis and zero self-censoring ability, so either she actually hasn't noticed that I've gained weight (and volume), or she has discovered the ability to be tactful about it (insofar as her constant jabs about my weight and excercise haven't increased, but stayed at their steady roughly-one-a-day pace).

Zalgite had been on a tremendous excercise-and-healthy-eating kick lately, due in no small part to a couple books we've read together as well as the discovery that healthy foods TASTE good (mangoes! asparagus! red onions! nine different kinds of apple!) He is constantly asking me who is winning the "Trying New Food Race, Where Whoever Tries Everything Except Brussel Sprouts Wins" (he hates brussel sprouts), and I reply that he is. I am moving less and less from my desk at work, and there are painful and persistent leg-kinks whenever I actually get up to get coffee, or walk to the car. I estimate I walk less than 3000 steps in a day (probably nearer 2000, and that's generous), and my diet consists mostly of: coffee, coffee, coffee, fast-food or restaraunt-food, maybe a sandwich, coffee, pop, coffee, coffee, dinner, then assorted snacks, then bed. Periodically throw in cookies, Easter candy, more pop, and occaisionally a banana.

Throkette is FINALLY sleeping through the nights (most nights, diaper-permitting) with a better than 50% rate, to the point where if I wake up at six am, it's because I WANTED to, not because someone is screaming at me. Because of this, I am going to start excercising in the morning, which is really my only time to get stuff done (evenings are taken up with chores, kids, the occaisional must-see TV show, e-mail, and sleeping). Now, I know I've said this before, but the stabbing pains in my knees, ankles, and entire gastrointestinal tract are sort of gently reminding me that if I don't do it now, I'm probably never going to start.

Does anyone out there have any advice to actually STICKING with a diet and excercise regime? I do it for, tops, four days at a time and then backslide back to my neutral position (or right now, backslide to my fat-ass-McAmerican position), and I fully acknowledge that I suck when it comes to quitting food, and moving when I don't have to.

I'll be checking ShinyStat to see if anyone reads this.

Huh, it seems that my bad diet stemmed from this sickness and this response to it. That was the last time I felt "good", when I got over that... whatever the hell it was. I feel the same way now, for some reason.... at Coopers, wandering the aisles, all I bought was juice and yogurt. EVERYTHING ELSE looked nasty (even microwave popcorn... and I'm a man who loves his microwave popcorn).

ShinyStat Saves The Day

2007-05-01T11:23:00.001-07:00

According to ShinyStat, fully 66% of the site hits on this blog are.... me. That means for every two times I go to my blog, one other person does. Throkky did so last night for some reason, and a guy I know named Seven went here a few days ago, so with the four times I came here to find links I'd posted, that accounts for everyone.

Whoopee!

See, this means I can write violent and disturbing things here, because no-one will read them. See, if you write violent and/or disturbing things, and someone reads them, you could go to jail, although since I'm not Asian, I should be safe. Now, it is argued that he should have censored himself because the VA attacks had been so recent, but really, the teacher specifically asked the students to write what they were thinking, what they were feeling, to write anything. Nothing this kid wrote was threatening... just sort of creepy and gross. You know, the same stuff that makes Hollywood billion$ and makes Stephen King a household name. When it's a quiet, well-liked straight-A Asian kid with aspirations of joining the Marines, then you kick him out of school, and send the police to his home.

Good to know.

FACE!

2007-04-24T14:49:00.001-07:00

Or rather, FACEBOOK!

Geoffy, aka Mona, wouldn't shut up about it, so I joined up, and have had way better luck at tracking down people I knew in high school than I did on MySpace (piece of CRAP) or anywhere else. So, add me!

FACE!

Lately...

2007-04-16T11:56:00.001-07:00

... a few things have happened!

Last night, we witnessed the most severe case of road-rage ever (for me, at least). We passed a guy on the highway who was pulled off to the side of the road, but he leapt over the retainment and into his car right when we passed him. About a click or two down the road, he comes up beging us about about 150 or 160, and starts flashing the highbeams DIRECTLY behind me. Ok, dickwad, I start to pull over, but he FLIES past me on the inside lane. Uhm... ok, fella. Then, he pulls up behind a truck right in front of us, and does the same thing... highbeams, then passing. Once he pulls BACK in front of the truck, though, he slows down... 120... 110... 100.... 90... 80... semi trucks are now passing, and I'm scared to pass the truck/BMW pairing, who obviously have something personal going on, because the BMW is swerving like mad. Eventually, the truck, and then me, pass the BMW. Shortly, though, the BMW SOARS past me, and pulls alongside thr truck, and they BOTH begin to slow down to 80, then 70! Obviously, some sort of heated exchange is going on between the drivers. BMW pulls in front AGAIN and slows down, and I pass them both. Thankfully, they both slowed down to 60 or so, and we never saw them again. One phone call later (Small BMW convertible, drunk driver, license place 077-AMS), and we were home, safe and sound. Now, two options...

1.) He was drunk
2.) That's how he drives when he's SOBER.

Both are terrifying.

Also, I have just now decided to make my own CCG.... Not sure what it's called, but it's going to consist of religions, the same way Magic consists of colors. And yes, "Flying Spgahetti Monster" and "Aetheist" will be represented, as well as Buddhism, Hindu, Christianity, Catholicism, Judaism, and more if I can think of them. There will be a variety of cards for each (Do you play "Loving" Christian, or "Fundie" Christian?), and "mana" will be replaced with "believers".

So.... going to hell, or what?

Video Hilarity Of The Day - Why Are My Fingers Little People?!? (Note: all voices are the same guy)

Zalgitism Of The Day

2007-04-10T14:58:00.001-07:00

Zalgite: "I want my underpants made out of candy, so I can eat them when I'm done."
Throkky: "I don't think you want to eat anything that's touched your bum."
Zalgite: "Oh, that's a good idea. Ok, normal underpants."

I love's him so much.

One of the best AMV's I've seen in a while... Queen - Who Wants To Live Forever?

There Are No Words

2007-04-09T08:41:00.001-07:00

Read my previous post, below, and then read this....

.... M is HERE AT WORK.

F***ING AUTOCAD

2007-04-05T09:17:00.001-07:00

So this morning I show up to work. Strangely, my computer is at the "Login" screen.... wierd, I left AutoCAD on last night. It can't possibly be on the login screen! Nope, sure enough, someone restarted my computer. Ok, that's not a huge problem.... I fire up AutoCAD, and go to my last worked on file, the cross section, elevation and detail of a huge timber awning for a building in Squamish.

Huh. All the work I did yesterday is gone. Peculiar. Apparently, it didn't save when I hit "Save" last night. No problem, we have auto-backups for that occaision.

Huh. My temp directory is empty. Absolutely auto-backups.

Huh.

Three hours of work, gone, because someone flicked off my computer without thinking "Hmm, this isn'y my computer, maybe I shouldn't do this."

FUCK.

Ding Dong, The Frog Is Dead!

2007-04-04T11:31:00.001-07:00

My co-worker, whom I shall call "M", once again vanished after a payday. My boss has given him six chances so far, and six times M has done this, known as "Going Indian" around here. Well, this time... my boss finally said "Enough is eventually enough". M is out of here. No-ones seen him or heard from him in five days... and that's it. His desk is empty.

AAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Ahhh, it feels good.

Song & Video of the Day - New Clutch Single "Electric Worry".... This is what rock is all about, people.

Bitch, Bitch, Bitch...

2007-03-26T09:43:00.001-07:00

"Oh, MJ, you don't blog often enough!"

"Oh, Zalgon, why don't you blog more?"

"Oh, Topper, your blod hasn't been updated in so long!"

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get the picture. People inexplicably feel the need to know what's pissing me off on a day to day basis. On the other hand, it has occurred to me that this is the only place I really talk about what makes me mad, stuff I don't talk about on the forums (since they banned me) or on MSN (since they ignore me) or with Throkky (since she bans AND ignores me :) ). Still, I only ever feel like blogging when I'm away from my computer, and something occurs to me.

Things like:

Stuff Zalgite says ("Will Dave come to the potluck, if he's done whining?")
Stuff Throkette does (Jumped down off of Zalgite's bed with not so much as a bruise)
Stuff that makes me mad (drivers, technology, patriotism, the world, the RIAA, drivers)
Stuff that makes me happy (bass, writing, and other stuff I don't do)
Stuff that makes me tired (drivers, Zalgite, Throkette, work, more work, drivers)
Stuff that makes me think (see: list of things that make me angry).

I know, you'd all like it if I would illuminate you all more on the inner workings of my brain, but to be honest, I don't feel like sharing what I don't fully understand, especially given the responses I've gotten from people over the past decade. Most of me is destined to stay locked away in my noggin, never to see the light of day, for the safety of the world at large, which means all that's left for me to talk about here is just whiny 'physical world' stuff that everyone already knows.

...

See, this is how I write when I'm sleepy and hungry.

Obligatory Amusing Youtube Video

Obligatory Youtube Video Of Awesomeness

AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

2007-03-12T13:46:00.001-07:00

I am really, really getting close to the limit with my co-'worker', whom I have gone off on here before. Now not merely content with keeping his job despite massive unexplained absences, he's getting my boss to pay his thousand-dollar certification fee, and he CONTINUES to get mad at me for not doing his work for him, especially when he doesn't even explain to me what I am supposed to be doing.

I just have to vent, but it's not helping. I am really mad. I really, really want to hurt him.

SO, My Son....

2007-03-10T11:45:00.001-08:00

... and me, and my wife, have a sort of running gag about Steve. Those of you who have seen the comic Scott Faulconbridge know who Steve is... he's reality-impaired. Anytime we can't think of a name, or we want to call Zalgite something wierd, or we can't answer a question, we answer with "Steve". We also got it from Steve the Pirate, a la Dodgeball.

Anyways, many of you know that I am a building designer. This morning, my son asked me why my buildings looked like buildings, and I explained that buildings have to look like buildings. He then told me that he wants me to name my next building Steve... and it has to be a human-shaped building, named Steve. It also needs a ramp up, so you can drive into the belly, because Steve the Building is a hotel. Steve the Building's feet are the basements, and you can live in his body, and look out his eyes and see other buildings, and keep food in his arms, because Steve the Building has lots of food.

He's awesome.

Song And Videos Of The Day: Al Gore and Bender - An Inconvenient Truth and Seymour Dog - I Will Wait For You

Link Testing 2!

2007-03-09T15:16:00.001-08:00

Hows this work? Song AND Video Of The Day! Buckcherry - Anything

Link Testing!

2007-03-09T15:15:00.001-08:00

Ok, seeing if this code works right, too:

Link AND Video Of The Day: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_VqbZBJUMY">Buckcherry - Anything</a>

The Power Of The Remote Blog

2007-03-09T09:28:00.001-08:00

Guess what? To the untrained eye, me sitting here at my desk typing an e-mail actually looks like work! How sweet is this? Well, to answer my own question with an answer, I'd have to say "stupid mad sweet". That's really sweet.

So I'm now on a $100 corticosteroid puffer for what may be whooping cough (strangely, one of my employers, Bud, just got over this.... STUNNING COINCIDENCE!), as well as new-and-improved corticosteroid lotion for WHATEVER THE FUCK is on my arms. If they call it "dermatitis" one more time, I'm gonna smack someone. The best part, though, is although my physician still doesn't really believe I'm having seizures (since the referral form has quotes around the words "seizures", "typical", "low on sleep" and "thinks"... oi), he has finally referred me to a neurologist who actually specialises in epilepsy! My last neurologist had a 12 month waiting period... this new one? SEVEN WEEKS! Yayyy!

I know, Throkky is keen to point out that they won't be able to do anything, and Grimsby is quick to point out that his are way worse than mine, but call me crazy (and some do), but I'd like to get some answers for once in my life. I can't remember names or nouns with startling frequency now, my sleep is getting worse and worse, my stuttering is on the rise again, and I have various eye tics and twitches that are beginning to really annoy me, as well as nervous paper-shredding habits which a waitress at the pub pointed out a few weeks ago, after I had destroyed every single napkin without noticing. The doctor may not be able to help, and my seizures may not be as bad as other peoples, but guess what.... it's my brain, and I'm scared.

Ok, back to work. Everytime I start typing, one of our drafters (who had been fired, but since no-one told him, he came back to work and now still gets paid, and strangely enough, I can't remember the name of the guy from Office Space in the same situation), gets up and walks over and STARES AT MY FREAKING SCREEN. Buddy, when you've been here for two whole weeks without mysteriously vanishing for five days at a time, you can make comments about how I spend my time at work.

Song AND Video Of The Day: Buckcherry - Anything

Shameless...

2007-03-05T09:24:00.001-08:00

... I'm sure you're all familiar of the practice of "Captive Suggestion", which is to say, forcing someone to experience ONE thing in order to get ANOTHER. Point in case: the one thing that, statistically, the most people go to the grocery store to get most frequently is milk. Thus, they put the milk as far away from the grocery store doors as possible, so that you must walk through each and every department to get there, and thus buy stuff you had not originally planned on buying.

At the new Save-On, though, it's shameless. It's actually TUCKED into a little alcove at the back, between Bulk Foods and Coffee Creamers, with a little low ceiling, so it's like you have to LEAVE the grocery store, and ENTER the Milk Department. It's remarkable in it's total lack of subtlety. On the plus side, it did let me get two awesome cards for Throkky... one I gave to her last night, and the other I'm saving for the right time. I'll ask Throkky to scan it in so I can share the disturbing sentiments of love.

Ok, back to work!

Stupid Manual Posting...

2007-02-26T13:46:00.000-08:00

... I sent this three hours ago via "Post by Mail", and, as you can see... ain't here yet. Well, here it is, retrieved from my outbox.

Can someone tell me why Zalgite, after almost two years of perfect dental hygeine is SUDDENLY very, very against ever brushing his teeth, to the point where he starts crying and I have to take away video game privileges in order to get him to take 1 minute out of his evening to do it? Two years of HIM reminding ME that he had to brush his teeth, all gone and replaced with this intractable refusal to let mint touch his gums.

*sigh*

Kids...

Also, in response to some previous comments, he loves meatloaf (even though it was full of onions). He also has tried and likes: pineapple, refried bean tacos, stir-fried tofu, and pickled beets. PICKLED BEETS, people. Even more peculiar, yesterday morning he grabbed Throkky's gardening book, flipped through it, and found "rhubarb", and without knowing what it was, told me he wanted to try it this summer. When I explained that it makes BRIGHT PINK PIE, he was all for it even more!

It was unsolicited, he just walked up to me, put the book on the table, and told me he wanted to try it. After a bit more flipping, I explained what eggplant was, and he wants to try it, too.

He's awesome. In related news, I tried several things that I normally hate last night at the vegetarian potluck, including squash soup, and vegetable-mixed rice (with celery. I HATE celery.) And I liked everything. I still wont try rhubarb (horrible child-hood memories), but if he tries eggplant, I'm all for it. Thank you, vegetarian potluck, for corrupting me.

Ok, Double Checking...

2007-02-26T12:22:00.000-08:00

... I can send in blog submission through e-mail, right?

If so, can someone tell me why Zalgite, after almost two years of perfect dental hygeine is SUDDENLY very, very against ever brushing his teeth, to the point where he starts crying and I have to take away video game privileges in order to get him to take 1 minute out of his evening to do it? Two years of HIM reminding ME that he had to brush his teeth, all gone and replaced with this intractable refusal to let mint touch his gums.

*sigh*

Kids...

Fear My Crunchy Family

2007-02-17T08:18:00.000-08:00

My son is just chock full of surprises.

Last night, he was chock full of something new, when Throkky (wife) announced that I was supposed to have made asparagus with dinner, because Zalgite (son) had announced earlier that he wanted to try it. Then my son pipes up with a speech about he wants to try and like EVERYTHING, except brussel sprouts. Sure enough, he pops a whole asparagus tip in his mouth, after covering it in red vinegar. "Mmmmmmm! Good!"

Then he has two more spears, dipping them liberally in a puddle of red vinegar, and totally forgetting about his spaghetti. He finishes it all eventually, and as a reward for trying something new, he got dessert... a tofu banana smoothie. Dessert tofu, banana, orange juice and some Blueberry Greens+, making for a brownish-purple goo which... tastes surprisingly good. I got to have some, because I had asparagus, too. I used to hate it, and now it's not that bad.

My family is crazy. Tonight, Zalgite will try meatloaf for the first time, and if he likes it, more smoothies! (Really, the smoothies are important since my son's medication destroys his got flora, and he needs the tofu and Greens+ to help it back.)
.

Verbing Wierds Language

2007-02-16T15:20:00.000-08:00

So I was talking with a friend of mine today, and the subject came up of my good luck / bad luck cycle, and I explained that some of my friends call it "Topper's Luck", where something good is offset by something bad, sometimes VERY quickly indeed, wheras bas things are usually not offset quickly by good things. As my friend Tyler put it, "At least your bad luck is evened out by... periods of less bad luck..."

I also realized I'd never told my friend about "Pulling a Topper", which can be defined thusly:

To do something stupid right after doing something smart.

Example: I'll explain something complicated and math-y on the board at the front of the class, possibly pulling correct answers out of my ass. I will then walk back to my desk, trip on my laces, fall over, and take some other desks with me, possibly spilling peoples paper and pencils all over the floor. Then everyone laughs.

I wonder how many people are verbs, too?

Oops, I Destoyed Cancer

2007-02-15T13:52:00.000-08:00

From the article:

"'I made a calculation error and used a lot more than I should have. And my cells died,' Schaefer said. A colleague overheard her complaining. 'The co-author on my paper said, "Did I hear you say you killed some cancer?" I said "Oh," and took a closer look.' ... [They found that the compound killed] 'pretty much every epithelial tumor cell lines we have seen.'"

That'll teach her to safely destroy tumors.

In similar news, some other scientists kicked HIV in the nads by finding the one non-chameleonic weak spot, and then stabbing it with protien until it died. It's a good week for infectious diseases!

Speaking of infectious disease, Ted "Tubes" Stevens is back at it, trying to ban schools from looking at websites that have... content. He has introduced a bill to the legislature, but of course, we're not allowed to read it yet, because we've been banned from accessing it over the tubes. Go, DJ, go.
.

Mini-Me's Birthday

2007-02-12T08:49:00.000-08:00

We had it at the pool, and as per his requests (over the past three months), it was a surprise party. This worked out well, because he has a pretty lousy memory for things like that. Throkky went "garage-saling" with her mom that morning around 11, so they could pick up the cake and order the pizza and buy everything they need for the party. Then me and the kids went out for a bit to go to see our friends Dave and Mishy.

Of course, we had to pick up their pizzas along the way, but when we got to their place, they weren't there! Gasp! So I told the kids that they were still at the pool, so we had to go pick them up. We head to the pool, and sure enough there's Dave outside having a smoke. We grabe the pizzas, wrangle the kids, and head inside.

Everyone jumps out from behind the table we reserved, and yells SURPRISE!!!

My son, true to form, looks stunned, and almost starts crying. He walks up and hides behind me, and it's almost three minutes before we get him loosened up to smile. *sigh* So much like me, despite my best efforts...

The party itself was a success, though. Most of his cousins, some of his friends, pizza and cake, a pool with a waterslide, and presents galoe (including some SWEET ones). The part I'll remember most, though, was putting him to bed that night:

Son: That wasn't a nice lie you told me today, Dad.
Dad: Well, I had to get you to the pool, with pizzas, without you figuring out it was a surprise party.
Son: Here's what you should have said, you should have said that we were just going for a little swim.
Dad: I'm sorry, I just thought it was going to be good to be a surprise party.
Son: I almost cried. That wasn't a good lie. Don't do that again.

I thought he was going to ground me.

---

Lastly... sweet fancy moses, hot diggitty daffodil, it's actually happening! 300 is arriving!

One Good Thing About Illnesses...

2007-01-20T08:02:00.000-08:00

.... thanks to the combination of stomach flu, head flu, and sinusitis.... I've barely eaten a thing for three days. All of my formerly favorite foods, which now fill the fridge because I bought them earlier this week... now completely repulse me. The jalapeno cheese ball, the deli pancetta, the Ukrainian smokies... all now make my stomach turn. To quote Black Mage, HORFL.

On the downside, I've wasted a lot of money on foodd that's gone bad while I've been sick... oh well...

Post Below...

2007-01-18T09:29:00.001-08:00

… wow, that was just epically misformatted. Why can’t I just send in text, and have it post… text? Is it really so hard?

Yes. Yes it is.

At Least I'm Still Alive...

2007-01-18T09:27:00.000-08:00

… up at 5am so I could expunge most of what I ate yesterday, then sat with a crying Poppy for a few hours in time to be violently sick again right before work.

And work is where I am at right now, because this is the one day I can’t miss. I’m cold, but at least I’m sweating!

Wish me luck.

New Blog Format

2007-01-15T10:25:00.001-08:00

Ok, people, I'm a little sick of my current blog format. I like the sidebars and stuff, but I really wanna spruce this page up, and I am now taking suggestions!

What do you like about the format here? What do you hate? A lot of people keep asking me who the pics on the side are of, since one has yellow hair, and one has black. As much as I like having Prince Vegeta over there, it's a lot of hassle for people who aren't "in the know", or at least who consider it a stupid television show. You know who you are.

Is the sidebar ok? Would you like better navigation? More black? Less black? Darker black? Are the colors ok?

I need to know!

My First Remotely Published Post

2007-01-15T09:50:00.000-08:00

And also the first post that's remotely interesting! Give it up for technology, yo!

Ok, I really don't have much to talk about here, I'm just doodlebugging around with the advanced features of Blogger, especially the ones that let me post from my e-mail, which means I can post a lot more often now! Giggity!

Look! Formatting!

Wasn't that interesting?

Want to know something deeply disturbing? Someone took the time to write up a fairly in-depth treatise on Mr Tyzik. That's someone with a lot of time on his hands (or a college student who wanted to do a term paper that would make their teacher's head explode.)

I'll get back to Links of the Day, Music of the Day, and Picture of the Day soon, this way!

Let's try attaching a picture, see how it works! Daughter will be attached as Attachment, Son and Daughter will be attached as Embedded Link.

Here goes!

EDIT: Hmmm, didn't work... I can't e-mail HTML tags, it seems. That suck-diddly-ucks.... time to hit the help section!

Goodbye, Forums

2007-01-11T10:20:00.000-08:00

Well, that's probably it for me. I've now been told in no uncertain terms that I am not welcome on the only forum left that I enjoy hanging out on. About a month ago, I was repeatedly insulted and told to leave my favorite, and most long-lasting, forum, and today I've be quite impolitely asked to vacate my 'current' one.

This, combined with the repeated lifetime bannings I've gotten on other boards, has led me to one inescapable conclusion: it is impossible to ignore anything on the Internet. In absolutely every single case of every disagreement on every forum I've ever been on, if the other posters had just read, and ignored, whatever it was that made them mad at me (me personally), then I would still be hanging out there, and enjoying myself. If they had decided not to be offended by something that was not said with the intent to offend, there would not have been any problems, anywhere, ever.

But that's too difficult.

Therefore, I bid adieu to the world of online message boards. I will continue to comment on UserFriendly and PvP, and maybe Slashdot, but that's about it. No more Internet discussions for me, because it's getting far, far too difficult to put up with the people who have 'board seniority', and are therefore always right.

On the plus side, this should free up enough time for me to finish several books, get into shape, and maybe cure cancer.

In honor of all the people who are incapable of dealing with reality:

SLEEP! Glorious Sleep..

2007-01-08T09:58:00.000-08:00

Last night, Throkky said she would take the first shift with the baby, and lo and behold, I went to bed around 8:30. I skipped ice cream, I skipped hot chocolate, I didn't even have a belt of the old Irish... I just crawled into bed and passed out, and was not awoken for a solid 8 hours! That hasn't happened since the middle of December, and for the first time in several weeks, I'm not yawning at work! WOO!

Around 4:45, Throkky decided it was my turn, so I was woken up by basically being beaten with a baby. I figured that eight hours was even pushing my luck, so I had no troubles getting out of bed, and playing with her in the living room (which is post-Christmas SPOTLESS, thanks to Throkky!) She mostly crawled around, and tried to eat day-old Cheerios off the kitchen floor, shen she went ballistic, and passed out. I took that time to heat some meat pies, and clean the kitchen table off. Then she woke up, so we hung out for a bit and watched Superman Returns. Then she went ballistic, and fell asleep again, so I had a shower, while Sebby woke up and watched Superman Returns (though he got mad at the villain girl because she was supposed to be a hero girl... his words!)

Then I got dressed, informed Throkky of the situation, and went to work, with Sebby playing F-Zero X (I FINALLY beat the Joker Cup on Expert yesterday, so now we have ALL the cars, and ALL the tracks...) and Poppy snoring in her little cradle-chair.

I'm probably gonna get stabbed in the head today to make up for all the good vibes.
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Wal-Mart.... Good? Confusion!

2007-01-03T09:20:00.000-08:00

Wal-Mart Plans To Use Unstoppable Marketing Power... To Get People To Use Compat Fluorescent Bulbs

I have to say, this is actually a pretty cool step, but when you think about it, it's also probably the cheapest and least impactful "step in the right direction" that Wal-Mart could take. Instead of paying their employees more, or raising prices 1% and donating tens of millions to charities, they will instead just run comprehensive in-store advertising to get people to buy the better bulbs, which already exist (and are manufactured by affiliated companies).

Ah well.... baby steps, there we go....
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I Don't Know Who's More Obsessed...

2007-01-02T10:39:00.000-08:00

... him, or me.

Son: When my fish die, I can get new fish?
Me: Probably, yeah.
Son: When my dad dies, me and mom will get a new one.
Me: Uhm... your dad?
Son: Yeah, when you die, we'll get a new one.
Me: Oh.

I know his grasp of life and death is rudimentary, but still... it hurt. In a funny, morbid, Kubrick-esque sort of way.
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More Depressing Stuff....

2006-12-29T22:02:00.000-08:00

So three speeches in two days.

One of Zalgite's fish died today. He was strangely comfortable with it, despite questions like "Can't we just leave him in there all night and all day and he'll wake up?" or "Will he go to a fish Church?" We went through the traditional Fish Flushing Funeral, and he wondered why I gave him a hug.

In bed, he asked me if City Grandma was sick. I asked which City Grandma, and he said "The one that died, and we went to the church, and had crackers." I explained that, yeah, she had been sick.

Son: When did she get sick?
Me: Well, a while ago. She was very old.
Son: Old people are sick?
Me: Some of them.
Son: When did she stop being sick?
Me: Uhm... when she died, I guess.
Son: When will we see her again?
Me: Uhm... we won't.
Son: When is she coming back?
Me: Uhm... she's not.
Son: Oh. That's not nice.
Me: I know.
Son: I can get new fish, from the Pet Store.
Me: Yes. Yes you can.

I Love the Christmas season.
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Growing Up...

2006-12-28T22:10:00.000-08:00

So I was talking with Zalgite in the car today (my son, almost five) and I told him that after Mom picks up his medicine from the pharmacist, we were heading "straight home". Here is the conversation:

Son: We'll go straight home?
Me: That's right.
Son: We'll go in a straight line?
Me: Almost.
Son: We won't turn left or right?
Me: No, we'll have to turn.
Son: Why?
Me: Well, because we'd crash.
Son: Then we'd have to go to the hospital!
Me: That's right.
Son: Then we'd have to go to the church!
Me: Well.... yeah, I suppose that's true.
Son: No, we wouldn't go to the church.
Me: We wouldn't?
Son: No, other people would go to the church, people who wanted to see us one more time.
Me: ..... Yeah. Yeah, they would.

I know kids are supposed to say these deep, profound things, but this almost made me sick, and I'm not sure which emotions were responsible. I'm glad that he remembers his great-grandma, my grandma, and her service at the church, but I'm also a little appalled at his grasp of the concept, and I don't even know if I could correct him.

*sigh*

It's my fondest hope that he grows up without having to be reminded of this.
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Busy As Fark...

2006-12-22T09:22:00.000-08:00

... I haven't even had time to put up Christmas lights outside. Now my house looks like a non-festive black hole in the happy-go-lucky Rancho Relaxo of Barnhartvale, where everyone has Christmas lights up 365 days a year because their house is too big to take them all down. Gyah! Busy! Whoo!

So, first thing's first... the Holly Cole concert. That definitely ranks up there as one of the best live shows I've seen, despite being the most non-thrashy live show I've seen. Holly Cole is a tiny, tiny person in real life, complete with little tiny fists of jazz fury. The chemistry between her and her bandmates is obvious, and extremely entertaining, and the fact that they're all about a billion times better than your average jazz quartet / quintet certainly helps. She sang Tom Waits (I had no idea she'd done an entire ALBUM of Tom Waits stuff!) and all the Christmas stuff, and came back for a 25 minute encore, including a 14 minute version of "I Can See Clearly Now". Plus, seeing the look on Throkky's face made it 100% worth it.

Of course, Throkky's back was DESTROYED by the crappy seating, and after the fucked up our tickets we had to change seats during the intermission, and go eight rows back just to get a good view of the stage, but that's besides the point.

Secondly, Christmas! WOO!! Six hours to go, and I am outta here for.... four days! Then I work three days next week, then a three day weekend, then a four day week, then a two day weekend! That's about the best I can hope for around here! YAYYY!

And lastly.... what the hell happened to Charlotte Church? Last time I saw her, she was a little 13 year old Welsh opera singer. WTF?!

It's just so wrong.

And lastly.... BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!
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CONFORM!!!

2006-12-15T13:12:00.000-08:00

Ok, this is a beef I've had with a lot of Internet forums over the years, but it's really starting to piss me off. I will now sum it up by quoting directly the mods from one such forum:

As a supposedly new poster, it isn't up to our community to deform to your wishes. It is up to you to try to fit in. Just like real life.

Just like real life... yup. Conform, or get kicked the fuck out. I know that these forums are being run by, basically, kids, but the entire concept of "Do what we say, without explanation or argument, and act like we do" is not how real life works (unless you're an American).

However, as is in real life, I have absolutely no power to affect change of any sort. If I tried, they would kick me out. If I commented, or complained, they would kick me out (See previous posts about VGC or NPF). If I protested, they would kick me out. If I boycotted... they wouldn't care.

Here, I am just venting, and I'm reasonably sure I won't get any sympathy there (particularly from people who read this from my ex-forums), but it just completely blows my mind, that given free reign, and effectively unlimited power and resources, and given all the freedom in the world to evolve and develop as people and moderators, all of these little Internet kingdoms have become frighteningly rigid dictatorships, where dissenters are kicked out, never to return.

But, in the interests of fair and balanced reporting, here's David Duke, doing what he does best. Going off-the-wall batshit loco. Pay careful attention when he starts talking about how Wolf only mentioned that he was in the KKK because Wolf is a Jew.

Pure gold.
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Math Is Your Friend!

2006-12-10T22:35:00.000-08:00

Unless you work for Verizon!

Listen to it, and weep for the species.

Paticularly at 3:30 is when you REEEEALLY get the sense that Verizon's hiring practices aren't really all that different than the local Wal-Mart Greeters Association... probably even more lax. If you can make it to the part where he basically gets the guy to say "One equals one, two equals two, but three doesn't equal three", then you have already probably cancelled your Verizon account.

So, more fun links I have to share...

Mary Poppins.... Rated R

Toy Story 2: Requiem for a Dream

Dilbert & Loathing in Las Vegas

Star Wars: The Brokeback Menace

Sleepless in Seattle.... Rated R

Big.... Rated R

Dodgeball: The Revenge

Gay Terminator II

Office Space.... Of Death

Also, me as a simpsons character:

"Luck"! Get it? Sounds almost exactly like "F..."

2006-12-08T11:59:00.000-08:00

So last night, the dishwasher breaks on it's very second load ever. The grinding sound is deafening. I get under the dishwasher, and move the water hose (which is six feet long for some reason) which was trapped under the motor housing, and the power cable (which is five feet long) which was wrapped AROUND the water hose. Then I run the dishwasher. It's still grinding. Steph decides not to deal with reality for a little while, and goes to check her e-mail while I deal with tech support while holding a baby.

I call Future Shop, they transfer me. I call their service company, but they're closed. I leave a message.

Then inspiration hits, and I get back inside the dishwasher, take out the solids trap, empty it out, and get my fingers into the garburator / filter, and pull out the screw that got ripped out of the undercounter when the dishwasher tipped over the other night. I had found ONE of the screws, and the other apparently stayed inside the door lip, and fell into the dishwasher.

I fired up the dishwasher, there was some minor grinding, then it ran fine again.

Ran two loads last night, and feeling good about my life.

So, naturally, my car battery is dead dead dead this morning because a door was left open. I have to call my mother in law to give the car a jump so I can get in to work and only be 45 minutes late for a meeting that I promised to be at, and with no guarantee my car will start when I have to head home tonight before the office Christmas party.

Oh, and my knee popped out of place again when I pushed the car out of the carport, and then had to stop it from rolling into a snowbank.

I need whiskey...
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Meme! Meme! Pick meme!

2006-12-04T08:44:00.000-08:00

Doing this for my friend Kat, and her naked ex-husband.

INSTRUCTIONS
1. Go to http://popculturemadness.com/Music/index.html, and find the greatest hits for the year you turned 18 (on the left-hand side)
2. Select at least the first 40
3. Bold the ones you like
4. Strike out the ones you hate
5. Italicize the ones you are familiar with but neither like nor hate
6 Leave the ones you don't know as is.

~~1. I Don't Want To Miss a Thing - Aerosmith~~
~~2. Everybody (Backstreet's Back) - Backstreet Boys~~
~~3. Jump Jive An' Wail - Brian Setzer Orchestra~~
~~4. I Want You Back - N*Sync~~
~~5. The Cup of Life - Ricky Martin~~
~~6. Too Close - Next~~
7. Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life) - Green Day
~~8. From This Moment On - Shania Twain~~
~~9. My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion~~
~~10. Suavemente - Elvis Crespo~~
~~11. Nice & Slow - Usher~~
~~12. Tearin' Up My Heart - *NSYNC~~
~~13. A Song For Mama - Boyz II Men~~
~~14. The Boy Is Mine - Brandy & Monica~~
~~15. Ghetto Supastar (That Is What You Are) - Pras Michel~~
16. Intergalactic - Beastie Boys
17. Stay (Wasting Time) - Dave Matthews Band
~~18. No, No, No part 2 - Destiny's Child~~
~~19. This Is How We Party - S.O.A.P.~~
~~20. I'll Be - Edwin McCain~~
~~21. Just The Two of Us - Will Smith~~
~~22. Love Me - 112~~
~~23. Gettin' Jiggy Wit It - Will Smith~~
~~24. Zoot Suit Riot - Cherry Poppin' Daddies~~
~~25. Landslide - Fleetwood Mac~~
~~26. As Long As You Love Me - Backstreet Boys~~
~~27. All My Life - K-Ci and JoJo~~
~~28. Because Of You - 98 Degrees (98°)~~
29. Closing Time - Semisonic
~~30. Been Around The World - Puff Daddy~~
~~31. Doin' Time - Sublime~~
32. Iris - Goo Goo Dolls
~~33. I'm Your Angel - R Kelly & Celine Dion~~
~~34. You're Still The One - Shania Twain~~
~~35. This Kiss - Faith Hill~~
~~36. It's All About The Benjamins - Puff Daddy~~
~~37. My All - Mariah Carey~~
~~38. Truly Madly Deeply - Savage Garden~~
~~39. Are You That Somebody? - Aaliyah~~
40. Walking On The Sun - Smash Mouth
~~41. Roxanne '97 - Puff Daddy Rimix - The Police~~
42. Lollipop (Candyman) - Aqua
~~43. Ooh La La - Rod Stewart~~
~~44. One More Night - Amber~~
~~45. My Favorite Mistake - Sheryl Crow~~
~~46. Stop - Spice Girls~~
~~47. Thank U - Alanis Morisette~~
~~48. Kind and Generous - Natalie Merchant~~
~~49. I Don't Want To Wait - Paula Cole~~
~~50. 3 AM - Matchbox 20~~
~~51. Goodbye - Spicegirls~~
~~52. My Way - Usher~~
~~53. Kiss The Rain - Billie Myers~~
~~54. Been Around the World - Puff Daddy~~
~~55. Pink - Aerosmith~~
56. One Week - Barenaked Ladies
~~57. Sweetest Thing - U2~~
~~58. Luv Me, Luv Me - Shaggy & Janet Jackson~~
59. The Way - Fastball
~~60. Real World - Matchbox 20~~
~~61. I'll Never Break Your Heart - Backstreet Boys~~
~~62. Ray of Light - Madonna~~
63. Shimmer - Fuel
64. Sex and Candy - Marcy Playground
~~65. Hey Now Now - Swirl 360~~
~~66. Doo Wop (That Thing) Lauren Hill~~
67. Torn - Natalie Imbruglia
68. Can't Get Enough Of You Baby - Smash Mouth
~~69. Adia - Sarah McLachlen~~
70. Bitter Sweet Symphony - the Verve
71. Rockafeller Skank - Fatboy Slim
~~72. Never Ever - All Saints~~
73. Brick - Ben Folds Five
74. Flagpole Sitta - Harvey Danger
~~75. Turn Back Time - Aqua~~

WOW, was there a LOT OF CRAP that year....

So Much For The High Ground...

2006-12-02T08:31:00.000-08:00

Borrowed from someone on the PVP forums...

After “Seinfeld” regular Michael Richards screamed racial epithets at two hecklers at a comedy club in West Hollywood, Calif., he “went to look for them, [but] they had gone,” he said. “I’ve tried to meet them, to talk to them, to get some healing.” So where did Frank McBride and Kyle Doss go?

To Gloria Allred, a civil rights lawyer. She complains Richards “has not apologized to his victims directly, face to face, man to man.” But then again, she said, “Our clients were vulnerable…. He singled them out and he taunted them, and he did it in a closed room where they were captive.” Therefore, she says, “It’s not enough to say ‘I’m sorry’.” She thus suggests Richards should meet with McBride and Doss before a retired judge, who would suggest monetary compensation as a way to avoid a lawsuit. (AP)

Available for a reasonable price: McBride and Doss’s dignity.
Already sold for less: Allred’s dignity.
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Profanity-Laced Festivities!

2006-12-01T14:17:00.000-08:00

Well, they fixed the problems in my house... we'll see how long that lasts! Still, I have to say, I was pleased with their service after they got back to the place, so I'm not MAD... just irritated.

Anyways, here's my profane playlist for the season!

My last Christmas album I made:

* The Arrogant Worms - Christmas in Ignace
* Weezer - The Christmas Song
* Better than Ezra - Merry Christmas Eve
* Blink 182 - I Won't Be Home For Christmas
* Blink 182 - The Fucking Christmas Song
* Bob & Doug MacKenzie - 12 Beers of Christmas
* Red Peters - Holy Shit, It's Christmas
* Monty Python feat. Gary Glitter - Christmas in Heaven
* Mr Oogie Boogie - The Oogie Boogie Song
* Radio Free Vestibule - Christmas on Acid
* Southpark - Dreidel Dreidel Dreidel
* Southpark - It's Hard To Be A Jew On Christmas
* Southpark feat. Mr Mackey - Carol of the Bells
* Southpark feat. Mr Garrisson - Merry Fucking Christmas
* The Eels - Christmas is Going to the Dogs
* Tom Waits - Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis
* The Muppets feat. Statler & Waldorf - Marley & Marley
* Monster Magnet - Dead Christmas
* Holly Cole - Santa Baby
* Everclear - Santa Baby
* The Arrogant Worms - Santa's Gonna Kick Your Ass
* Wierd Al - The Night Santa Went Crazy
* Mojo Nixon - Boogie Woogie Santa Claus
* Kermit the Frog - Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

Yes, it's profane, but it's all festive, and shit!
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Merry Freakin' December

2006-12-01T09:09:00.000-08:00

So, you all know that last month when the dishwasher busted, and water flooded into our subfloor and basement, we called the insurance company and set it up so that these contractors would come in and fix it. Well, they came in on Monday / Tuesday and fixed the structure, and Kami Carpets came in Wednesday / Thursday to fix the floor, put in new lino and baseboards.

Well, we JUST found out they SHOT A FUCKING NAIL THROUGH A HOT WATER PIPE.... know what that means?

We have water underneath our subfloor, and is now dripping into our basement, AND we had to turn off the hot water. Throkky is just about tipped over the edge, since she's been out at the farm, unable to go outside because of the weather, and she's been home since last night with every appliance in our house stacked in the living room, unable to even make macaroni... and now they have to come back AGAIN, fix the floor AGAIN, put down new lino AGAIN, new baseboards AGAIN, and this time NOT SHOOT THE FUCKING HOT WATER PIPES WITH NAILS...

... and who knows how long it's going to take. For the excess of four grand that we're paying them, it had really, really, really be done before I get home from work.

Goodnight.

UPDATE: It's morning, 8:55am, and they showed up with a plumber. I'll keep you posted!

A Huge Step Forwards!

2006-11-30T09:04:00.000-08:00

General Motors announced yesterday that they were going to research a rechargeable plug-in hybrid vehicle, in order to distance itself from it's image as a maker of gas-guzzling SUV's. Plug-in hybrids have the ability to sharply increase fuel efficiency by using advanced batteries.

This would, indeed, be a huge step forwards if they hadn't actually made the fucking car ten years ago, then destroyed them all.

See, this is why I'm not a CEO of a corporation. Pledging to do something half-assed ten years after you did a great job of it seems to me to be a slightly inefficient way to go about running one of the biggest companies in the world, but it must be working, otherwise they wouldn't have done it, right?

Right?
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Well, There You Have It.

2006-11-27T09:43:00.000-08:00

The page counter people say 35 people came to my page.

My own method shows...... two.

All righty then.

Testing My View Counter, So COMMENT!

2006-11-25T12:05:00.000-08:00

Please!

Just go down, and comment, even if it's anonymously. I call bullshit that I've gotten about 30 views per day, since I can go months without getting comments except for one or two people I know in real life, so I'd like EVERYONE WHO READS THIS TO COMMENT!!!

Thank you!
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Unhandicapped People Suck

2006-11-23T13:50:00.000-08:00

Used without permission from the PVP thread-page, in regards to how the podcast discriminates against people who are deaf:

Yet on the main issue, there are deaf people reading this webcomic (and I am one of them) and the constant issues of hearing people never attempting to see it eye to eye with the Deaf community is not overly surprising. In fact it’s kind of sad that hearing people try to justify the lack of attempts to involve the deaf people (since any race or ethics can still hear and understand the english language, even if it’s thier second language) by creating a fair use of community interactions by providing informations not based on sounds. Well, take care ya’all. I’m off to stuffing my face with homemade food.

So… YOU’RE not handicapped… WE'RE just jerks.

Do paraplegics get mad at linedancing classes? Do diabetics get mad at the Hersheys company? Do people with cancer get mad at hairdressers? Do black people get mad that they never seen to get to be Santa in TV movies?

No.

Do you send letters to instrumentalist musicians for not posting their sheet music online so you can enjoy it? Do you toss off angry e-mails to the television networks for not better describing the background sounds in the closed captioning? Do you beat up birds for their desire to prevent you from hearing their twittering?

No.

But deaf people can deride the entire concept of podcasting, because it excludes them? If you can’t hear, then by very definition that excludes you from doing things hearing-related. Yes, nearly EVERYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE is accessible to you, including CNN subtitles, DVD subtitles, and whatnot… but sometimes, just sometimes, things happen that you might not get to be a part of.

While you’re stuffing your face on this Thanksgiving while billions go without food, I'd like you to think about just how rude and inconsiderate we hearing people are to you hard-of-hearing folk.
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To Order A Transcript Of This Conversation...

2006-11-23T09:20:00.000-08:00

... just have a laptop handy when your son is being gregarious in the extreme. I was typing as fast as I could and I may have missed a few things... but enjoy.

Seb: I made up a play today, with puppets.

Dad: Really? What play?

Seb: The Adventures of Apple.

Dad: Cool! Apples have adventures?

Seb: Yeah, when I threw my apple down the street and it rolled and rolled and rolled. The play is "I Threw Stuff: The Apple Adventures." (That is verbatim, I added the quotes...)

Dad: Wow.

Seb: Yeah, I'm the boy who threw the apple, and the apple, and mommy is the apple puppet.

Dad: That's a cool play.

Seb: Yeah. Why are green apples green apples?

Dad: Uhm... because they're green?

Seb: Yeah! Which are yucky pples?

Dad: Uhm... Spartans. But they're good in pie.

Seb: What are the bestest apples? The bestest green ones.

Dad: Granny Smith.

Seb: HAHAHAH! Why are they grandma apples?

Dad: Because she invented hem.

Seb: You have to say Super Coyote Fight-Ups go!

Dad: .... what?

Seb: I'm doing fight-ups. The super zombie dragon.... skeleton.... monster.... soldier.... coyote fightups. (He playes a lot of Heroes III)

Dad: Ok. Fight-ups go.

Seb: NO! You have to say No FIGHTING, then ALMOST FIGHTING, then FIGHTUPS GO.

Dad: Ooohhh, ok. No fighting.... almost fighting.... fight-ups go.

Seb: (thrashes like hes running)

Dad: Why are you running? I thought it was a fight.

Seb: It's a RACING fight! I have to run fast and conk them!

Dad: Conk them?

Seb: Conk! With my bundle of thunder arrows and fire swords!

Dad: You have thunder arrows?

Seb: Yeah, with THUNDER BOLTS! What are you typing?

Dad: What you're saying, about the thunder arrows and stuff.

Seb: And the song?

Dad: What song?

Seb: The song I liked when I was tiny like Poppy.

Dad: Which song is that?

Seb: The song where you go "Run run run", and "Budge budge budge", and then there's guitar, and the rest of the guitar, and then big finish!

Dad: I dont know that song.

Seb: Yes you do.

Dad: So, how was your day?

Seb: Great. Is tomorrow Thursday?

Dad: Yup.

Seb: SWIMMING!!!! Does Mommy put Poppy underwater?

Dad: Yup.

Seb: I have a problem. A telling problem. Why didn't you do my eyedrops?

Dad: Mommy did them for you this morning.

Seb: You have to do them. You promised. Not Mommy. OW! My ear! I keep flicking my ear! OW! OW! OW! OW!

Dad: Stop flicking your ear.

Seb: No!
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Violent Games Make Me SO DAMN MAD!!!!!!!!

2006-11-22T09:18:00.000-08:00

FTFA, since it doesn't like being linked to:

School shoot-out spurs debate to ban violent PC games
By: John Blau
IDG News Service (Düsseldorf Bureau) (22 Nov 2006)

A long-simmering debate in Germany about banning violent computer games is burning again after an aloof teenager on Monday stormed his former high school, shot five people and later killed himself.

The disgruntled 18-year ex-pupil from Emsdetten, Germany, near the Dutch border, was described by students and teachers as a youth with no friends who liked guns and played violent computer shooting games.

The incident brought back memories of a shooting rampage in the eastern German city of Erfurt in 2002 when an alienated former pupil -- and computer games player -- shot 16 people, mostly teachers, and later himself.

Is this still being debated? Violent video games causing kids to go on violent, angry rampages? Let's look at the facts:

1.) The kid got a gun from his father.
2.) The kid went to his school with the gun.
3.) The kid shot up popular kids, and teachers.

Will someone tell me where violent games come into play here?

But fine. Let's extend the definitions of causation:

Large Spoons Cause Obesity
Pencils Cause Spelling Errors
Cars Cause Drunk Drivers

Violent video games are played by 35 million kids in the USA, of whom about 100 bring a gun to school. Bullies prey on 10 million kids in the USA, of whom about 100 bring a gun to school. Despite the 350% greater statistical impact of kids being bullied versus video games, it's hard to ban bullying.... whereas banning video games is so EASY, and gives everyone a plausible scapegoat! When video games are banned, everyone involved can pat themselves on the back because they proved they cared. Then, when school shootings continue to happen, they can look the other way because they've already done everything they could.

Sleep well, heroes. You've done the best you could.

Woooo, Superbowl Sunday!

2006-11-19T12:10:00.000-08:00

Well, CANADIAN Superbowl.... The Grey Cup.

Right now, I should be at the farm, kicking it in patio furniture set up in the living room, with the big-screen TV blaring, drinking vodka, eating home-made hotwings, and enjoying this boring, boring sporting event with my inlaws.

But noooooo, I have to be at the office, developing the siting concept for an urban development in the valley, and trying to get a decent song on Pandora.

Ah well... I'll be there for the end of the game, I hope....

Propaganda YAY!

2006-11-17T13:41:00.001-08:00

Iran forces you to pray, covers up women, kills dissidents, is making nukes, hates America, despises Democracy... and is conducting cutting-edge stem-cell research!

That's right, folks... in an attempt to garner yet MORE support from the people who ALREADY support smiting Iran, the AP and CNN, under the guidance from some key world governments *cough*USA*cough* are now spreading "news articles" about how Iran, the unholy nation that wants to see America burn in a pollar of nuclear fire, "is also harvesting babies for stem cells for scientific research, possibly for biological warfare".

Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control. Go back to bed. Here, here's American Gladiators. Watch this. Shut up. Go back to bed, here's American Gladiators. Here's 57 channels of it. Watch these pituitary retards bang their fuckin' skulls together to congratulate you for living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do as we tell you! You are free to do as we tell you!

Ok, ok, that one article actually has a pretty positive slant to it, as well as a BBC article, but I dare you tu turn on CNN or HN or MSNBC tonight, and see what THEY have to say.

Middle Eastern Supertechnology

2006-11-17T09:18:00.000-08:00

Tech level twelve, I believe!

This is pretty cool, discovering that carbon nanotubes, the "technology of the future", has been used in weapons of warfare for nearly two thousand years. For those who don't know, Damascus Steel is renowned throughout the world for being super-top-quality blades, rivalling the Japanese swordsmiths of the age, as well as having the cool dark and white banded stripes all over the metal that has never been duplicated. True Damascus manufacturing was lost in the 1800's, so a dozen ways have been made to make SIMILAR blades, but never the real thing. But this latest clue, the carbon-nanotube-filled-blades may have uncovered the final key.

TIME TRAVELLING TERRORISTS!

Or, you know, excellent metallurgists. Whatever.
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Movie Review: Borat

2006-11-16T11:10:00.000-08:00

First off, I'd like to talk about my experience at the theater.

The lineup for tickets extented through the lobby, through the vestibule, onto the concrete landing outside the theater, and down the stairs. I myself got into line on the SIDEWALK below the stairs below the landing outside the theater, and we waited 35 minutes to get tickets to the LATE show, since the early was filled. We got to the theater an hour before the late show, and ended up, like, 30th in line for seats, being an HOUR early. And despite the soundproofing, we also could hear the thunderous laughter from inside the theater.

THEN the movie started.

Some parts were a bit confusing for me, as I've only ever seen one episode of Da Ali G Show, and only one four-minute Borat segment, and I didn't know the whole anti-Semetic backstory (which is hilarious, since SBC is a devout Jew). Some parts seemed to drag, since they had to set up the movie, but some parts... oh my god...

I thought I was going to barf from laughing at one point. No movie has done that since I saw MST3K:TM for the first time, six years ago. The bizarre and unbelievable naked argument-fight in the hotel room, which spilled out into the hallway, the elevator, and finally into a meeting for accountants in the hotel ballroom (where SBC had stationed two cameraguys HOURS before) resulted in ten minutes of uninterupted laughter, screaming, and peeing from the entire audience (one girl did pee, we could hear her freaking out).

The movie is insane, and while the whole point of the movie is to catch Americans with their guards down, the hilarity continues into the real world, where half of the people filmed on the show, as well as THE ENTIRE COUNTRY OF KAZAHKSTAN, are launching lawsuits against the movie. True, while some of the frat boys are NEVER getting laid again after their "women and slavery" discussion, KAzahkstan should find itself lucky to be made this well known, particularly since at no point in the movie are they IN Kazahkstan, or SPEAKING Kazahk, and only one person FROM Kazahkstan was in the movie. Get over it, world. It's a comedy. Laugh.

LAUGH!

So Who Thinks Humanity Sucks?

2006-11-16T09:41:00.000-08:00

I mean, let's just check out some of the news articles this morning:

A psychopathic killer kills again due to substandard care.

People actually have to ARGUE whether or not rape is "bad".

US Marine gets 18 months for murdering an unarmed foreign national.

Man gets 25 years in prison for taking prescription painkillers after a car accident. (Old article, but it highlights the above article)

US Marine pleads guilting to raping 14 year old girl, and killing her family. Best and brightest, indeed.

Now lets look at the POSITIVE articles for today...

....

I got nothing.
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Pure Liquid Awesome

2006-11-14T09:10:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Perchta for accidentally helping me to come up with my new MSN name, "Pure Liquid Awesome". This has also been incorporated into two of my stories, as well as being in the running for what I'll call my first album. And since she needs more Upbeat Music, I present to you.... Upbeat Music For Your Eyes!

Death From Above 1979 - Pull Out (Push In)

Butthole Surfers - Pepper

Spacehog - In The Meantime

PUSA - Mach 5

Paul Gross - 32 Down On The Robert MacKenzie

Alter Bridge - One Day Remains (Live!)

Foo Fighters - Everlong

Incubus - Privilege (Live)

Henry Rollins vs Nardwuar

Stick THAT in your brain and smoke it!
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Important News!

2006-11-10T09:18:00.000-08:00

Since no-one reads my reviews, I have decided to simply cut the charade and merge the reviews. That way, people can continue to not get all their unimportant information in the same place! Thusly, I will now link to all my reviews, for easy sorting.

Movie Reviews: Fearless & The Protector

Television Review: The New Shows

Music Review: Top Five Review - "Rock"

Music Review: Top Five Review - "Metal"

Music Review: Wierd Cover Songs

Holiday Review: Valentines Day

Television Review: Childrens Programming Part II

Literary Review: The Selected Works Of Dean Koontz

Cuisine Review: Beef Stroganoff

Biology Review: The Common Fucking Cold

Game (P)Review: Colonization II (2007)

Holiday Review: Christmas

Movie Review: Nothing

Movie Review: Team America, World Police

Movie Review: Charlie And The Chocolate Factory

Movie Review: The Cave

Music Review: Clutch - Robot Hive / Exodus

Movie Review: Four Brothers

Movie Review: The Island

Movie Review: Batman Begins

Movie Review: Sin City

Movie Review: Ong-Bak, The Thai Warrior

Movie Review: Ocean's Twelve

Game (P)review: Master of Orion III

Movie Review: Blade Trinity

Television Review: The Daily Show

Political Review: Jury-Draw Governmental Elections

Television Review: Childrens Programming

Game Review: The Works of Sid Meier

Movie Review: Suspect Zero

Social Review: Politics

Music Review: Monster Magnet, Last 3 Albums

Society Review: Money

Science Review: Air

Nature Review: Chickens

Music Review: Clutch - Blast Tyrant

Also, thanks to Mothshade for actually READING BACK, for some reason, and commenting! It gives me a warm, fuzzy, stalkerish feeling!

White People Suck

2006-11-08T09:13:00.000-08:00

So last night, I got to endure something I put my mom through about twenty-two years ago, when I was the same age as my son is now. Here is now my best reconstruction of the Adorable Quote Of The Day, as it occurred last night at Taka Sushi:

Me: Uhm, not sure which nigiri I want.
Waitress: Well, what have you tried?
Son: Dad, can I ask a question?
Me: (thinking that it's about more rice) Sure.
Son: Why does she talk so different?
Me: (staring at menu) Uhm..... uhm... that's a hard question...
Waitress: (smiling) Because I am from China.
Wife: You see, like our friend G is from Poland, and he has an accent, this lady is from China, and she has an accent.
Me: Uhm, I've had Tai Nigiri a few times...
Waitress: (with a big smile) It's ok, he's just curious.
Me: (trying to crawl into the menu) Tobiki, maybe...
Son: (now covering his mouth and making loud growling noises, for some unknown reason)

This is comparable to me talking to my mom while walking through Marpole about 20 years ago, and me asking VERY loudly on a fairly crowded street where we were the only white people...

Me At Age Four: What do you mean, nationality?

You got me, Mom. It took you twenty years, but you got me.

Jon Stewart Sings The Presidents Eclectic!
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It's That Time Again!

2006-11-07T09:44:00.000-08:00

It's that time again: The Wheel of Morality! Also known as American Mid-term Elections! Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn... tell us the lesson that we should learn...

Now, like most North Americans, I don't understand the US governmental system, so I did a little bit of research, and here's what I came up with:

Nothing.

Nothing in the extensive libraries of Wiki, or whitehouse.gov, could tell me exactly what went on during the mid-term election, which is apparently where we keep the President, and change his lackeys. It gives people a general idea of how people are feeling about Bush, but it does not give people the ability to choose who will lead their country, so it's basically just a popularity poll, and a two-year rotation on the people who can take blame for America's actions.

The best coverage, so far, has been from the BBC:

So it all sounds fairly promising, then. The television advertisements I've been watching have almost all been negative. The overwhelming impression is that hundreds of criminals, rapscallions and ne'er do wells are currently on the loose on the streets of the United States all seeking election for the opposing political party. The Democrat campaign seems to boil down to one phrase: "We're not George Bush." And the Republican campaign is similarly taut: "We're not George Bush, either."

In non-snarky coverage, they have this to say:

Correspondents say that Democratic control of even one house of Congress would mean legislative gridlock. It would enable the Democrats to hold greater influence on Congressional committees, launch investigations into the war in Iraq, limit spending in Iraq and stall other Bush administration policies. Voters are also choosing governors in 36 states.

Ok, so new governors are being picked... there, that make's a little sense. Good to see that Great Britain doesn't mind me finding out how the most powerful government on the planet works.

Go, Americans, go! It's mid-term election time! Get out there and disgrace democracy one more time!

For those of you who still don't understand, here it is with simple animation, singing, dancing, and swearing: Jon Stewarts Midterm Election Educational Video! Squeeze your nutsacks with knowledge!

Tae Kwon D'oh!

2006-11-06T12:57:00.000-08:00

So, after long and careful deliberation with my wife, and her Spousal Opinion Generator, I have decided to stop going to Tae Kwon Do. There are several reasons for this, which I will outline:

1.) I am not learning anything new.
2.) They are mostly mocking what I've learned before.
3.) We are very specifically being taught how NOT to defend one's self.
4.) I am sick of the snide comments from the more fit black belts when I can't do as many sprints as they do.
5.) The flying spinning kicks being encouraged makes me a little confused.
6.) I am now not productive on two more nights a week by going to this class.
7.) I am spending LESS time with my son.
8.) I can get more and better exercise by staying home and demolishing the heavy bag in my basement, then going for a walk with my son.

I do respect Mr Pepper, who is in charge of the class, but I would rather learn an effective martial art than a sport that I'll never actually compete in, even for fun.

Bye Bye, Birthday!

2006-11-06T08:47:00.000-08:00

I'm 26 now. Go me. Go me.

Take That, Bismarck!

2006-11-03T09:44:00.000-08:00

You paid attention during 91% of high school!

85-100% You must be an autodidact, because American high schools don't get scores that high! Good show, old chap!

Do you deserve your high school diploma?

Go, Jalapeno.... you rock now... go Jalapeno... kick some ass now... UNH!

You thrust your pelvis, UNH! You thrust your pelvis, UNH! You thrust your pelvis, UNH! You thrust your pelvis, UNH!

*cough*

I'm sorry, I don't know where that came from....

Moral Outrage Time!

US Government Shuts Down Audit Of US Iraq Reconstruction

FTA: The Office of the Special Inspector General for Iraq Reconstruction has embarrassed the US administration with its reports on corrupt practices, but Washington lawmakers have reacted with shock at the discovery that an obscure clause in a military spending bill will terminate the work of the auditor.

That's right... the Military Spending bill includes a law to KEEP PEOPLE FROM AUDITING MILITARY SPENDING!

That may be the best thing I've read all week.

And Now, Shakespeare's Greatest Soliloquy...

2006-11-01T22:02:00.000-08:00

... in haxor, baby.

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Yeah, baby. Feel the Genius of the Bard.

Feeling a little better today than... earlier today, now that I've had time to ingest everything, mull it over, vent, have a Coke, and relax a little bit. I went for a walk with Junior tonight, since the excercise is good for his knees, and it's hardly bad for my fat ass, either. Along the way, among the many things we talked about, we had this discussion:

Son: "We should go home, it's too dark out."
Dad: "It doesn't matter if it's dark, I'm here with you."
Son: "Yeah, but Mommy will be worried."
Dad: "She's not worried, because you're with me."
Son: "Why is you're with me not make her worried?"
Dad: "Because I'm here to protect you."
Son: "But there's lots of scary things."
Dad: "Yeah, and she knows I'm scarier than all of them."
Son: "Are you scarier than all of the things out here that are scary?"
Dad: "Darn right."
Son: "What about cars sneaking up on us and running us over?"
Dad: "I'm way scarier than them."
Son: "Is that because you have boots, and you kick them?"
Dad: "You bet. I'm way scarier than cars."
Son: "What about monsters?"
Dad: "I hit them until they run away, too."
Son: "Good. Hitting monsters is good. Mom isn't worried now."

And one of my all-time favorite thread-pics...

Wonderful Link Du Jour - The Surprisingly Awesome Linking Park Matrix Burly-Fight Remix

"So he'll probably get better... or worse."

2006-11-01T12:04:00.000-08:00

Thank you, Modern Medical Fucking Science.

So we take Daughter to the doctor to see about her cough. "It's bronchitis, she'll get better in the next few days... or she'll get worse. If she get's worse, come back." She's worse. Thanks.

But to trump that times a billion, we take Son to BC Childrens Hospital. The good news: we didn't need to cut his knee open because apparently the inflammation isn't TOO severe, and the medicine is doing it's job. The bad news? It's spread to his other knee, as well as his eyes. He has to stay on the Naproxen, as well as start topical steroidal eyedrops to try and fix his eyes, before it gets too bad and he goes blind. On the way out, we were assured that he'll probably get better... or worse. We have to go back in six weeks to see which it is.

Thank you so very, very much for explaining the two options to me. Without you there, I'd never have known that something like an idiopathic disease could have two possible outcomes, or that one of them could result in my son being blind and crippled. Thank you from the bottom of my bile-filled heart.

But Son, in typical fashion, went Trick or Treating for an hour, and I almost broke down when he gave me a great big hug when we got home for "being so nice tonight, and carrying him when his legs got tired, because his legs aren't as strong as my legs". It was just out of nowhere. He went to bed, and we talked about the new eyedrops he'll have to start taking tomorrow, and I think he's OK with it, as long as we're there to give him Kleenex and hugs in between drops.

So, even counting the one where I got cracked in the head with a frozen egg hurled from a passing car that caused me to black out in a Juniper bush, this was the worst Hallowe'en ever.

How are you all doing?

Amuzing linky-poo of the day:Robot Chicken Clips

Stem Cells...

2006-10-25T08:45:00.000-07:00

.... ok, I don't know what you all believe, and frankly I don't care. Thanks to Jon Stewart and, to a lesser degree, the public media, I've been learning a lot about the battles being waged between these two sides, and I'm going to take a minute and sum up some of the arguments being made.

Amendment 2 Protects The Buying And Selling Of Human Eggs And Embryos

Michael J Fox For An Unbiased Election

And Here, His Medicine Is Not Top Notch

Gambling With Americans!

Now, I can't find a YouTube for the commercial that they aired last night, along the lines of "Stem Cells could cost American women millions of eggs..." and it has this slow, dark, spooky shot of a woman on a bed, hugging herself and crying. So..... scientists are going to come into your house, and forcibly remove your little eggies? Is that what you think is going on?

"President George W Bush is also against the research, and vetoed a controversial bill which would have lifted a ban on federal funding for embryonic stem cell research in July.

"It crosses a moral boundary that our decent society needs to respect, so I vetoed it," he said. "

Because war didn't cross a moral boundary.

Our present policy on human stem cells has been shaped by beliefs that are divorced from every reasonable intuition we might form about the possible experience of living systems. - Sam Harris

They're not going to be rummaging around in there and sucking out your little unborn gas station attendants, America... let's define some terms.

Stem Cells - in humans are primal undifferentiated cells that retain the ability to produce an identical copy of themselves when they divide (clone) and differentiate into other cell types. In higher animals this function is the defining property of the deleted cells. Stem cells have the ability to act as a repair system for the body, because they can divide and differentiate, replenishing other cells as long as the host organism is alive. Non-embryonic stem cells can be extracted from bones, from the spine, and from organ donors.

Embryonic Stem Cells - stem cells derived from the inner cell mass of a blastocyst, which is an early stage embryo - approximately 4 to 5 days old in humans - consisting of 50-150 cells. Embryonic stem cells are pluripotent, meaning they are able to differentiate into all derivatives of the three primary germ layers: ectoderm, endoderm and mesoderm. In other words, they can develop into each of the more than 200 cell types of the adult body when given sufficient and necessary stimulation for a specific cell type. When given no stimuli for differentiation, ESCs will continue to divide in vitro and each daughter cell will remain pluripotent.

Long story short, the Embryonic ones are more versatile and powerful, but by no means the only ones available in there.

The Wiki articles for stem cells have been HUGELY purged because they were being used as a battle ground. I remember last year reading that millions of babies would have to be created, and then murdered, in order to get enough embryonic stem cells to make preliminary research worthwhile, and it included god-damn pictures of.... well, I don't want to turn away my readers with a description. A week later, the same page talked about how embryonic stem cells could be extracted safely from babies in a few years, while still in vitro, and the babies would continue to grow and develop normally, and these kids would then have, in storage, a lifetime supply of potent stem-cells available to help them with any medical problems they may encounter.

Now, right now, I'll admit that I don't have enough information to be truly informed about this. I'm not a biologist, I'm not Michael J Fox, and I'm certainly not a Catholic priest. But I do know bullshit scare tactics when I see it.

And now, to lighten the mood a little bit...

And now, some facts you may not know about fish:

The Leaning Tower of Pisa is made of fish.

Fish rhymes with electricity, bundle, and pyjamas.

There are three kinds of fish... trout, salmon, and Lionel the Intelligent Fish who wears a suit and has an apartment.

There is enough fish in the Atlantic to feed everyone in Canada, except for Sean Fergusson of Calgary, who will have to settle for some rice, and a salad.

Fish are notoriously afriad of donuts, hence the expression "The fish is afraid of the donut".

My uncle married a fish.

The song, "Hey, Look At That Fish" is the only song about fish that uses the word "cumberbund".

Abraham Lincoln was allergic to walnuts.

In some cultures, it is considered socially unusual to tie a fish to your head and tweet like a doormouse.

Why Did I Just Pay You $1300?

2006-10-24T14:18:00.000-07:00

I mean, let's look at the history here so far.

1.) You take my money, then wait three weeks to send me a laptop computer from Ireland.
2.) You send me a BROKEN computer, with a damaged, nigh-unreadable screen.
3.) You wait two more weeks to send me a replacement laptop, from Toronto this time.
4.) The replacement computer has a damaged, nigh-unreadable DVD Burner (which I tried to ask NOT TO GET, but I wasn't allowed to not get it). Laptop DVD burners are notorious for being completely unable to read CDs.
5.) Anytime I run the Search function, I have to reboot the computer.
6.) Anytime I move more than ten files in Explorer, I have to reboot the computer.
7.) If I'm unlucky enough to accidentally pop in a new CD, I have to reboot the computer.

Tell me, what is the "Dell Advantage" of the "Blazing Fast Dual-Core Processor" and "Windows XP Small Business Edition" I paid substantially more than my monthly mortgage to get, when I am unable to perform tasks that my x86 could handle on Windows 3.1 thirteen years ago?

I'd really, REALLY like to know.

Only upside for today? BroYay!

My Toe Still Hurts...

2006-10-23T11:33:00.000-07:00

*whine bitch moan*

Well, after a long weekend of hauling stuff out of the basement, shed, and front porch (the one I will remember for a long time being the ~300 lb air conditioner from 1974 that had some sort of dead racoon in it), dumping it at the city landfill, then putting more stuff into it to go to town, then unloading 24 boxes of laminate flooring, and then changing the tires and breaks on my Buick, it's good to be back at work and being harrangued by my superiors.

Actually, it's not that bad. I solved some major problems with the fire-fighting / parking co-ordination at one project, shot down some ideas on a few others, and generally made myself useful. I expect my managers to be baffled for weeks about this strange turn of events.

My ankle is acting up because I've been walking funny, due to the busted toe issue (it still won't bend backwards properly, or forwards all the way). Now it feels incredibly hot, and all the muscles feel saggy, like they've just been working hard for hours and hours. You know the total-exhaustiong feeling you get in muscles you overwork? You know what I mean guys, eh? Overworked? Certain muscles? Ahh, never mind. My foot feels funny.

Image of the day! Another I made myself.

Music video link du jour: Paranoid Changes

I Got Banned Again

2006-10-20T09:24:00.001-07:00

Ah well. I'm told that the mods made some good points after I got IP banned, but since I got IP banned, I can't see what those points were. The amusement factor is still high, though, that they can only hold reasonable, mature discussions after I've been permanently exiled from the discussion.

In the words of my man MLK, One has not only a legal, but a moral responsibility to obey just laws. Conversely, one has a moral responsibility to disobey unjust laws. Now, it may be a little over the top to be quoting a great human rights advocate in regards to my bannings on a furry-themed webcomic forum mostly populated by petulant teenagers, but the fact still stands that the people in charge have little to no understanding on how to run a forum.

Here's some of the things said about me, after I had no chance to rebut:

Yes, they only banned for you not agreeing with your
opinion and didnt ban you for constant idiocy with
Politic threads and other bullshit we don't normally
let here. Why are you wasting your time attempting
to get back into a forum about COMIC BOOK CATS?

Well, because the forum isn't about comic book cats, it's a forum for discussing things with other people (and, sometimes, with smart people). The forum happens to be RUN by a guy who draws comic book cats, but it is still a place where people I consider friends hang out, and where I like to talk about things that are maybe more important than comic book cats, and by doing so, try to educate and enlighten the people there. But, sadly, they still consider politics "bullshit".

Echoes had a sarcastic, but strangely amusing goodbye post, which was impressive, given his history of dull and strangely amusing posts.

Ah well, you guys... I had fun with Tater, Simonov, Ron, and everyone else with a sense of humor and the ability to let that which does not matter truly slide, and I had fun watching the people without a sense of humor who take everything they see seriously rant and freak and swear and obsess around me.

It's been a slice!

I'm going to go hang out at the big-person table now.

Kisses!

DeMotivators

2006-10-18T09:59:00.000-07:00

I made a few this week. Not much to say, just check it out.

Ow, My Fucking Foot....

2006-10-17T09:25:00.000-07:00

... at Tae Kwon Do.

Now, I'm only in Tae Kwon Do as a fitness regime, since my regular dojo moved around the same time I did, and it's now more than half an hour away. I do not consider WTF TKD a martial art... it's a sport. Nothing more. You are taught to score points according to strict rules, and so far, everyone I've met in TKD who wears a black belt makes me a little bit ashamed to be in the same class as them.

Last night, my sixth class, we got into heavy full-contact sparring. I have all my own gear except for a helmet, so I borrowed one and lined up with the rest of them. At first I was fighting with the lower belts, until Sensei (not a sensei in TKD, but I forget his title) decided to try since he knew I had a lot of previous experience. So me and the Sensei square off, and he only lands two shots because I know how to block. After the bout he says that I block better than his black belts.

This does not go over good with the younger, more athletic black belts.

Five more fights, and I am getting really tired but still holding my own, defensively. My last fight is against this tally skinny high-school mid-belt, a green. My first kick is struck down with extreme prejudice by a well-placed fist, and

OH SNAP

my toe makes a nauseatingly crispy sound.

So now I'm sitting here, my foot is swollen up, I'm on Robax Platinums, and limping around while I get ready for work.

Stupid green belts, making me look bad...

So, who wants music? Humble Pizza Pizza Pie!

And for amusing pictures, I had a few I had to share....

NaNo, No Sleep, Sleep Mode...

2006-10-13T09:28:00.000-07:00

So again, I'm the only Y-chromo in Kamloops in NaNo. Three years running... I guess the pulp mill isn't condusive to creative writing, which is just sad. Even so, there's only three girls on the NaNo Kamloops board, so our attendance is down from even LAST year. More's the pity, I suppose... Kamloops has enough crazy people to get some awesome literature done.

Also, I woke up briefly at 1am when Poppy woke up, and I drifted in and out while she struggled mightily with Steph. At 2am, I held her while Steph made a bottle, and she struggled mightily even more. I drifted in and out until 3am, when Steph said it was my turn. I got up with Poppy and sat in the recliner (the very uncomfortable recliner) where she struggled mightily until 5am, when I managed to put her back into bed. Then she woke up at 5:15, and I was up until about 5:30. Then I woke up aroung 7am, my reflex, and just tried to stay in bed until Steph nudged me at 7:45, and I figured I should probably drag my ass to work. Thanks, sweeties.

Oh, and Seb broke my N64.

So now I'm in "Away Mode" for the rest of the day... Windows users will know what I mean. I feel stretched thin, and I can see the individual lines in my hands when I look at them, and it's really bright around the edge of my field of vision. Whee, it's just like coming down from a seizure!

EDIT: I also had to go home at lunch, through a one-lane choke on the highway, both ways, and open an unlocked door for my wife.

Who wants funny videos? Who, I say? Behold, the Gopher-moat!

And funny music? Take THIS! Trigun One!

And finally, amusing pictures. Wheee.

Now go away. I'm tired.

Yeah, Yeah, "Every Day", Right, Topper..

2006-10-12T11:00:00.000-07:00

... so my "every day" posting is usually "whenever I get time on the computer, and a sense of inspiration" which is very, very rare. Most of the time on the computer I just try and relax and forget about my day, and that's not condusive to writing anything deep and coherent... or even shallow and blurby. Hell, I can barely post "You guys are fucking retards" on my forums at that stage. Killing monsters in various games is the extent of my mental abilities.

And then I go to bed.

Well, today, I got a break with most of the senior management out of the office, and most of my co-workers talking about how mental visualisations let them win lotteries and bend spoons and stuff. This is sufficiently whacky enough for me to try writing something.

Have you ever had so much of your favorite food that, for a brief period, you just don't want any more? It's for that reason that I shouldn't be allowed to go shopping when I'm hungry, because if I have any more crackers and cheese (I'm a carb freak) I'm either going to throw up, or stop pooping just COMPLETELY.

There. Did that make your Thursday? How'd that work for you?

I'm going to stick the Free Mp3 of the Day into the text here, so I can talk about it. Does anyone think that Scott Kurtz's interview with Adam West is ACTUALLY Adam West? It could be just an awesome voice actor, but if Adam West is really that batshit insane in real life, then he's EVEN COOLER THAN BEFORE! Warning: The mp3 involves hot naked soup-baths, talking about Adam's tights, and a pod-racing fishing show. You are WARNED!

Also, the free VIDEO will be stashed somewhere inside this paragraph, too. See if you can find it! Just a warning.... it's a music video for Soulfly's "Jumpdafuckup"... set to Winnie the Pooh cartoons. If you survive this, you've broken through to the world of AWESOME!

Ok, free picture time!

Kirby gettin' jiggy wit da Snoop, yo!

Doo Bee Doo Bee Dooo......

2006-10-01T21:24:00.000-07:00

As some people have to poignantly reminded me lately (including a total stranger from PVP), I have a blog, and they have empty lives in need of fulfillment. A special kind of fulfillment. The kind of fulfillment that can only be provided by an overweight and overworked father of two in the middle of Canada's western province. Go figure. I'm happy I'm not you guys... I get my fulfillment from Jon Stewart and Motorhead. ROCK!

Ok, ok, so you want me to write something deep? Meaningful? As Jon Stewart said on Crossfire, "I will not be your monkey". I will, however, perform for treats, and as my wife has just handed me some cookies, there will me laughter and merriment galore!

NaNo is starting in EXARCTLY one month, and just to get writers in the mood, NaNo has decided to.... to shut down it's forums. Yeah. No-one can post anymore. Yeah. Way to go, guys. Get 80,000 writers onto a forum, and a month before the highlight of their literary year is set to start, they take away our ability to write to eachother. *slow clapping* Congratulations. Somewhere, a Wal-Mart is marking down prices on Pizza Pops and Kool-Aid telling people they can't have any.

So, did anyone see Heroes? Does anyone think that, just maybe, the writers on that show need to be told that lifting dialogue directly from four-color print comics perhaps won't work well with live-action people? That maybe some sort of, oh, I don't know, "eh-dit-ing" might be required? Possibly to update the language so that it sounds like something humans might say? I'm stoked on the concept (WOO! Superheroes!), I'm stoked on the characters (WOO! Strip-whore mom!), and I'm stoked on Adrian Pasdar (WOO! Jim Profit! WOO!), but the show is not trying very hard to get me to keep watching.

Also, speaking of superheroes and comic books... why the hell is Tony Stark being made a NON-ALCOHOLIC for the Ironman movie? Seriously, what the hell? It's JON fucking FAVREAU, and he's changing Tony Stark from bubbly remorseful alcoholic into chipper upbeat Tony Stark? That's like making Venom a skinny little pale... oh, wait, Sam Raimi is doing that right now (but it's still Topher Grace, so I'll slightly forgive him). Ok, then it's just like making a Transformers movie and making Optimus Prime something other than a semi-truck, and... oh wait, they're doing that, too. Ok, it's like making a Superman movie and... and... ok, it's like making an X-Men movie and making Dark Phoenix a complete pushover, and...

Oh, god DAMMIT, I hate Hollywood.

The worst part about Tony Stark not being a substance abuser? He's being played by Robert Downey Jr! WHAT THE HELL!!! Why pick Robert Downey Jr to play an alcoholic superhero IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE HIM DRINK?!?!?!? At least Topher Grace has godly acting chops, at least Optimus Prime still looks cool, and at least Hugh Jackman still comes off as badass, but COME ON!

*head explodey*

There, was that deep enough for you guys?

I got perma-banned from NPF again. This time, though, they keep inviting me to come back just so they can ban be again. Amusingly, I was banned for arguing with one specific poster, Adamark, and while he was not even chastised, I was permanently banned. Again. I'm starting to think that I need a forum where I can talk about stuff like this and not get banned, because the only person I know I can even vaguely discuss things like politics with is my wife, and since we watch and read all the same shows and articles, and more or less share the same views, it doesn't have the jab and thrust, the give and take, as a real discussion does (although it does sound naughty, doesn't it?)

Ok, enough of all that stuff. Let's get to the free links and pictures, otherwise you people will get mad and not come back, and then who will read my evanescent rantings?

Free Music Videos Of The Day: Anime AMV - Van Halen's Right Now

Amusing Pic of the Day:

Sebby's Quote of the Day - This one is more of a dialogue, and bear with me, I am trying to recreate this from memory:

Seb: "Ok, that is your goal (points to the shed) and this is my goal (points to a section of fence) and the ball goes in the middle. Ok?"
Me: "Ok. Go!"

*we play for a little bit*

Me: "Yay, I scored! One to zero."
Seb: "No, you didn't, your points are dirty." (Mimes taking a point off of a score board, and scrubbing it, then throwing it away.)
Me: "What? What do you mean?"
Seb: "It's the rules of soccer, the ball was in the dirt, so the point was dirty, I threw it away."

*we play for a little more*

Seb: "Yay, I scored!"
Me: "No, you didn't, you hit the gardenbox."
Seb: "That's your goal now, too."
Me: "Since when?"
Seb: "Since I got invisible players." (points to the fenceposts)
Me: "How come you get invisible players?"
Seb: "Because they're near my goal. Those are your players." (points to flowers)

*seb goes to his side of the yard, and talks to the fenceposts*

Seb: (to fencepost) "How are you doing? Are we winning? Daddy's good at soccer, but he gets dirty points."
Me: "I wan't better invisible players."
Seb: "No."

*we play for a bit*

Me: (kicking the ball into a fencepost) "Awww, he blocked me."
Seb: "Yeah, he's better than you! HAHAHAH! I get another point!"
Me: "What, why?"
Seb: "I took your point and washed it, now it's mine!" (mimes putting a point from his pocket onto a scoreboard)

I so completely can't keep up with my four year old son.

Wake Me When September Ends

2006-08-31T09:49:00.000-07:00

I couldn't think of a good title.... can you tell?

Well, August 31st. Hot diggity. Let's see, what's in the news today?

I bought an N64! I rented my favorite game! I see it when I close my eyes! ACK! That's right, F-Zero X... the greates, and fastest racing game in the Universe. What makes it so cool? Well, it has 30 cars to chose from, and to race on 24 tracks on four difficulty levels, and you have to beat various tracks on various difficulties to unlock more cars. There's ramps, theres loops, there's inverted tracks, there's tubes, there's inverted tubes, theres half-pipes, there's land-mines... there's everything. But you wanna know what this racing game has that no other racing game has ever been able to duplicate?

A Random Race generator.

That's right. No matter how good you get, no matter which car you use, you can hit Random Race, and get a course no-one has ever seen before, and get your ass whupped, or hurled into space, or just blown up. It's amazing... hairpin curves, upside-down jumps (instant death!) or maybe just a field of lava that slowly melts your car... this game has it all!

In other news, Poppy cut her first tooth! At three months old! Truth be told, if you take into account that she was late, and go from her DUE date, then she is three months and three weeks, so just one week ahead of the standard "normal" time for a kid to cut their teeth early, but this is still way early! We hope to have her potty trained by Christmas.

Allright, time for some fun links to keep you people coming back....

Free Song / Music Video: Stroke 9 - How Many People Wanna Kick Some Ass (feat. Jay & Silent Bob)

Free Funny Video: Hugh Laurie & Stephen Fry - Tony Control

Amusing Pic Of The Day:

Sebby's Quote Of The Day:
"Daddy, it's time for you to come downstairs and play Nintendo hockey with me. Do what I say."

Injuries, Drugs, Seizures, Oh My!

2006-08-17T09:26:00.000-07:00

I now need an elbow brace to complement my brace of braces (brace, in this case, meaning 'pair'). My left hand's terminus fingers (pinky and ring) are now pretty much numb. They feel cold and hot at the same time, but they don't pick up much in the way of pressure sensation, certainly not cutting (ask me how I know that). The nerve that handles them runs through the elbow, which I've ground down to a nub through years of leaning.

On the flip side, I am now catching up on a lot of my sleep thanks to taking Valerian Root extract pills. I fall asleep faster, and even though I still wake up five times a night, I fall asleep EASIER during those periods. I've been well rested in the mornings. Yesterday mornng, Poppy got me up at 3am. I fed her at 3:30, finished at 4, and at 4:30 she succeeded in convincing me she wasn't sleepy (by screaming and kicking me). So, I get up and watch TV until it's time to go to work, after less than four hours of sleep. Last night, I take my Valerian, go to bed reasonably early (10:40) and Throkky let me sleep until 7am!

So, naturally, at 9am, I had a seizure. Why do I bother catching up on sleep if I have seizures AFTER the catch-up sleep? Gyah!!!

All stressed out now... I have to go drive Throkky home from Seb's soccer class which he said he didn't want to go to... until it was time for me to go to work, when he went postal and said he changed his mind and HAD to go to soccer. Throkky then had to shower, eat, get the kids dressed, and bring them in on the bus so Seb wouldn't be intolerable for the rest of the day (which he will be, anyways.)

Sigh.

#213 On The List Of Things I'm Now Allowed To Do At Work

2006-06-29T13:43:00.000-07:00

#213: Look up "mst3k wikiquote" during office hours. I can't stop giggling. Example:

Servo [as Gregory]: Maybe I dialed wrong. Let me try again. Let's see… "zero".
Crow [as Answering Machine]: Hi. This is the human race. We're not in right now. Please speak clearly after the sound of the bomb.

I've never even seen a single episode of MST3K, and yet I can hear this so perfectly.... dammit, I'm giggling again.

Joel: Oh, terrific — we were saved by the gates of Hell.
Crow: Hey, what is it about the gates of Hell that compels people to wander into 'em?
Joel [as Adman]: It's because of Smuckers raspberry preserves.

Servo: Oh, the world's thrown into chaos — earthquakes, floods — but that's fine; you knit your sock.
Stepmother: Nope! Not a princess.
Servo: She's got that healthy clown glow.
Marfushka: Oh, no?
Stepmother: You are a queen!
Mike: In that you look like Freddy Mercury.

*snnnrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkk*

Smug Luddite Bastards...

2006-06-27T11:02:00.000-07:00

Why do I even bother getting to work at 8am when the network never works until 9am? I mean, the e-mail is consistently down, the server is consistently down, and every now and then the server will hiccup, forget who has file priority, and save over the changes I've spent eight hours making. Hooray!!

One of the project managers says "Well, Chris, a poor carpenter blames his tools". By his logic, it stands to reason that I, as a poor draftsman, am blaming my tools for the bad job I did... therefore, because the network is down, it's my fault. I think a more apt platitude would be "Well, Dion, a poor carpenter doesn't have tools... a BAD carpenter blames the tools he has." He, as always, just makes some snarky 'you're just a kid and couldn't possibly understand what I REALLY meant' face, and goes back to work, confident in the fact that I have the IQ of a bathroom deodorizer.

What a world I live in! Ah well, I was given a 'sign' yesterday that I survived this round of employee attrition : I was given one of the new, EXPENSIVE electronic keys. Yayy!

Well, this Friday I go down for my grandma's memorial service, complete with explaining to Sebastian exactly what that means, and trying to keep him quiet through all of it. Also, being around my entire family and having to avoid explaining that, no, I can't cry, and to please shut the hell up about it.

Free Song Of The Day:
Killing Joke - Pandaemonium

Amusing Pic Of The Day:
No can do, the network won't let me.

Sebby Quote Of The Day:
"I wasn't asleep, I was just getting comfortable." (In regards to his nap from 6:15pm to 10pm)

Yar, She Be A Remorseless Eating Machine...

2006-06-25T22:22:00.000-07:00

Poppy has had three six-ounce meals today, after a week of two-ounce meals. Just... stop... EATING! We need SLEEP! It's EVERYWHERE...

So, record high temperatures today. The thermometer at the farm that was sitting in the sun read 47 degrees, and the one in the shade by the back of the house read 38. The one in the shade by the front read 34, and I can believe it. Wooo! Thanks do our lovely dark-brown metal roof and sub-standard insulation, the cieling inside our living room is noticeably warmer than the shade-side walls. Wheee!

So all last night we have the screened windows and doors open to let in the cool 4am air. At 7am when the sun is just starting it's Easy-Bake routine on our neighborhood, I shut thr windows, shut the doors, shut the blinds, turn on the fans, and put the huge box-fan on the basement stairs to suck the INCREDIBLY cold air from our basement up to the upper floors. Seriously, there is a noticeable 10 degree temperture change when you go down those stairs. Anyway, all day today it was... bearable! It wasn't nauseatingly warm! SUCCESS!

Allrighty, enough of me whining about how much fat people hate high, humid temperatures... let's get to what you all came here for.

Free Song Of The Day:
13 Stitches - Land Of The Strange

Hi-Larious Pic Of The Day - A Three-Parter, And This Is ACTUALLY REAL:

Sebby's Quote Of The Day:
"Did we make my room messy with toys? Then Mommy has to clean it up, because she made the mess. I'll supervise."

And You Are Outta Here!

2006-06-23T20:40:00.000-07:00

So one of the new fellers in the office, one of the guys with less seniority but more authority (Well, to be honest, he has like 30 years experience, but he's new to this office) was fired today. Worse, no-one seems to know why, and we're all afraid to as Greg, the boss and partner who did the firing, exactly why. Worst, though, Jason, the fire-ee, was the only one in the office who treated me like anything other than a teenager who didn't understand the world. Other than three people, I've been here loger than anyone else in the office, and while I don't have as much industry experience as many of them, I have picked up a modicum of information about what goes on around here.

On the plus side, our engineer was also fired. This is mostly due to, as far as I can tell, him billing our office for a great many hours, at $110 per hour, for work that I actually did, based off of a 3 minute sketch that the guy faxed over to us two days after I asked him a question. Our new engineer is the guy who took 5 weeks to get an answer from when he agreed to stamp the plans for the house I designed for my friends parents.

All in all, I'm glad I know people who work in other offices who need skilled technologists, since my office is sort of attrition-happy.

Free Song Of The Day: Kamloops Double-Hit!
Dave McLean - And It's Only Tuesday
Cozy Gelpod - Beautiful Thing Sweet Jesus, I love this song...

Picture Of The Day:

Sebby Adorable Quote Of The Day:
"I read all of Hop On Pop by myself, except where I read after you talked and pointed with your finger to the words I don't know, then I read them."

Newsflash: I'm Not Fucking Psychic

2006-06-22T21:33:00.000-07:00

And yet, the people in my office seem to think that I can read their every fucking thought, and have their work done for them before they need it!

My boss's new mantra is "The work gets done in the time allotted." This can be paraphrased as "I'm cutting back everyone's pay, everyone's hours, and expecting all of the jobs to be done in the same amount of time. That way, I can buy my son another sports car while you, the employees, struggle to pay for simple appliance repair fees." Consequently, I worked on not just one project, not just two projects, not just three projects, but FOUR projects today. Four projects totalling well in excess of $200,000,000 , and I had to work on them all today, with four (FOUR) people in the office with less seniority but more authority coming around to my desk every few minutes to hassle me to work on THEIRS. Some drawings HAVENT ACTUALLY EVEN BEEN STARTED, and you want to know why? Back in March, I was ordered not to. That means that today, I get yelled at for doing exactly what they told me to do, because it inconveniences them not to have someone to fucking blame for their shortsightedness.

And yet, I still work there. Go figure.

Pic Of The Day: Double Whammy! (EDIT: Nevermind, Blogger is broken again, I can't use the pics I want :( )

Free Song Of The Day:
Clutch - Bazenhead (Live in Sweden!)

Sebby's Adorable Quote Of The Day:
"Was my cousin zero years old when he came out of Auntie Stephanie's tummy?"

Infamy: The Immortality Of The Unpopular

2006-06-21T14:54:00.000-07:00

"Oh, aye! I'm infamous! I'm wanted in seven countries on nine continents!"

Not much anger today.... had a bunch this week. I dunno where it went... I'll probably find it when I clean my room this weekend, stuffed in behind the laundry basket, festering and growing more radioactive by the hour. No, wait, that's just my laundry...

COntacted today by an old friend from the VG Cats forum (You know, the one I was banned for life from?) So far, he's the first and only person from a place I've been banned to SEEK ME OUT. I feel so touched... this must be how all the dozens of people I've messaged over the years must feel: acceptance. It's a new feeling.

Note: Dentists suck. Even cute DA's who mean well. No, you will not find any loose change under my gums, so STOP PRYING AROUND IN THERE!!!

Free Song Of The Day:

Steve Burns - I Wanna Be Your Alpha Male

Pic of the Day:

Sebby Quote Of The Day:

"Poppy's smiling! Thats how she says she's happy, because she doesn't know words, so she smiles."

So... I Reproduced, Eh?

2006-06-14T13:25:00.000-07:00

Bet no-one expected that!

Here she is, the day she was born.

Here she is, one day later.

And here she is, peaceful and well-fed.

Ain't she adorable?

She was born four weeks ago tomorrow... which means I've gotten 26 sleep-deprived nights (I totally slept in one day during the second week... Thanks, sweetie!) This means I've been a little bit lax on the old blog, and as soon as I can type without having to figure out which keyboard is the real one, and which are imaginary, I'll post more regularly again. Along with my "Free Song Of The Day" and "Pic Of The Day", I will now be including "QOTD: Sebastian". Here goes!

Picture of the Day:

Free Song Of The Day:
Five Horse Johnson - Ten Cent Dynamite.mp3

QOTD: Sebastian
"Why did I have to wake up? I was having a dream where I was grown up big, and you and mommy and me were at the big people pool, and Grandma was there, and she had a drink in a can, and I was big, in the big people pool, and then I woke up." Hee!

How To Be An Evil Overlord

2006-05-31T23:01:00.000-07:00

How to be an Evil Overlord

1.0 Assuming the Throne Gracefully
1.1 Problem One: THe Current Evil Overlord
1.2 Executing your Plan, Among Other Things
1.3 Putting Yourself Into Position

2.0 Dealing with the In-laws
2.1 Just Kill Them
2.2 Possible Vengeances

3.0 Maintaining the Throne
3.1 Choosing Bodyguards
3.2 Choosing Advisors
3.3 Intelligence Networks, Not an Oxymoron
3.4 Your Evil Stronghold
3.5 Keeping them on the Payroll
3.6 Nothing is Forever

4.0 Keeping the Peons in Order
4.1 Taxes, Your Best Freind
4.2 Police Who Dont F*** Around
4.3 Illiteracy Isn't All Bad

5.0 Evil Plots Just Dont Make Themselves
5.1 Stick to What You Know
5.2 Special Effects
5.3 Evil Plots for Fun and Profit
5.4 The Five-Year plan

6.0 Oh, Look, the Good Guys
6.1 The Best-Laid Plans
6.2 Your Fortress
6.3 Dead Or Alive?
6.4 Get Them Before They Get You

7.0 Congratulations, you're an Evil Overlord!
7.1 Fine Tuning your Empire
7.2 Advances in Technology
7.3 The Wife and Kids
7.4 Nepotism, Not Always A Good Idea

1.0 Assuming the Throne Gracefully

So, you wanna be an Evil Overlord. It's a good aspiration to have, but not everyone has the abilities, or more accurately, the common sense, to make it a reality. I've seen people with stars in their eyes get torn to shreds by starved dogs so many times, it has ceased to be funny. Perhaps it is for that reason I have decided to write this book, and help out average people, just like you.

The first misconception about being an evil overlord is you must have some special powers that will awe and frighten others. This is total bull. Anyone with the desire, and an IQ higher than your average stop sign, can follow the steps in this book to fame and power.

I know a lot of you are asking, If it is so easy to become an overlord, why haven't I? Simple: I already have. With my far-reaching tendrils of influence such as the one you are reading at this moment, I have ensured my power for decades to come. Not every Evil Overlord has to be in an obvious position of power. Think about it.

1.1 Problem One: The Current Evil Overlord

Now, the biggest problem facing most people who want to be Evil Overlords is that they do not live in an area currently under the influence of one. There must be a fascist regime already in place for you to usurp it's power. Creating an Evil Empire from scratch is a long process, and the subject for the sequel to this book, currently in production. If you do not live in an area under the bootheel of an Evil ruler, I suggest moving to one quickly, and just hanging out for about a year, getting the feel for the situation, and the people.

The current Evil Overlord, unless he is in posession of this book, will likely fall into one of two categories: Uselessly Cocky, or Paranoid Maniac. Both have their strengths and weaknesses. The USelessly Cocky Evil Overlord is so smug and secure in his power he does not mind flaunting himself, his wealth, and his influence. Naturally, these types are the easiest to dispose of.

The Paranoid Maniac Evil Overlord is more difficult. He may lock himself in his high tower, with all the doors steel-reinforced and guarded by homocidal cyborgs, or their technological equivalent, depending where and when you live. However, to exert his power, he must leave sometimes, and he must have definite modes of transportation. Also, information has to reach him somehow, even if it is through use of magic mirrors or a network of hidden cameras.

The current overlord can usually be recognized by his flowing attire, excessively plush and badly colored. Some of them, though, like to think of themselves as military geniuses, and dress in uniforms, or even combat gear. Almost without exception, the combat gear will be purely for show, and composed of aluminum, or thin plastic. Anything that doesnt stifle him too much on hot days.

This is possibly your biggest advantage. Even the most paranoid, twisted despots use the majority of their power to keep themselves in luxury and opulence twenty-four hours a day (or longer, depending what planet you reside on. Some have quite long days.) Consequently, they are very badly protected on a personal level, with the possible exception of force fields, magical or otherwise.

Prince Ludwig the Abbhorrent is the current Evil Overlord of Eregatia. He can be easily identified by his penchant for bright pink plumage complementing his black velvet attire. He loves to flaunt himself about the town atop his palanquin carried by eight amazonian babes, and surrounded by armed guards decorated in gold sequins and black spikes. Let's face it. His time is up.

1.2 Executing Your Plan, Among Other Things

Evil Overlords are notorious for doing such small things as marriages, executions, and even birthdays, with an extreme of pomp and grandeur, and in this, they have sealed their fate. With their overly-complex plans for security, special effects, catering, et al, they will undoubtedly leave holes in the plot large enough to drive a truck through, literally. Probably, though, this will not be necessary.
It is best to choose a time as public as possible to execute your plan. This will ensure that a lot of people will be there to witness your heroic deed, and this will let them spread the word to the entire hamlet/city/country/planet in no time. It will also help make sure that the Overlord will be guarded with a minimum of force, and retaliation should be easy to deal with.

Prince Ludwig the Abbhorrent is about to get married to the daughter of his longtime rival, Lord Hawsey the Daft. She is young, nubile and the perfect target for his twisted affections. he is going to hold the event in the inner sanctum of his Evil Stronghold, the Palace of Death. He is inviting all the peons from the surrounding villages to attend under penalty of death. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid.

One strong point, I cannot stress this enough: do it alone. The person who brings along his 'trusted freind' to guard his back, will most likely find a dagger coming from that direction. If not today, or tomorrow, then thirty years down the road he'll probably decide he'd make a better overlord, get a copy of this book for his birthday, and you're finished.
Step One: The Evil Stronghold. This is the first, and easiest, part of your plan. Every stronghold has the huge, menacing, guarded gate that a horde of blood-crazed hippies couldn't get past. Every stronghold, however, has the unguarded, unmonitored back entrance for use on special occaisions by the overlord and his party freinds. Stupid, stupid, stupid. But lucky for you.
Note: Don't forget to bring your weapon along. Nothing too dramatic, mind you. A knife, or a high-powered pistol will do nicely.
It may be a sewer grate that no sewage ever comes out of. It may be a part of the wall where an incongruous bush grows, to hide the badly-concealed door. It may be the left ear of the giant statue of himself that looms over the countryside. Whatever it is, it will likely only take you a couple hours of careful observation the day before to find, which brings us to the second step.

Bob, our hero, so to speak, intends to disrupt the events of the evening. As he is from a city outside the borders of Ludwig's empire, he was not able to come to the party the normal way. Ludwig's palace had one particularly stupid flaw, much to Bob's advantage. The Wall in the back runs through a dense forest. He hopped the fence, stole through the underbrush, and snuck in through the servants entrance at the rear.

Step Two: Finding the Overlord. Now that you are inside, you'll have no trouble wandering around. After all, the Evil Overlord is off somewhere with his big celebration, his bride to be, or whatever, leaving his precious fortress pretty much unguarded. He'll likely be holding it in his big underground cavern, courtyard, or living room, anywhere he can pack a lot of witnesses. The classic method for getting into the crowd now, is to dress as a commoner, wander the halls, and wait for a guard to find you. Say you got lost, and he'll politely direct you to the huddled masses. If he seems suspicious, bean him over his unprotected head, and keep wandering around.

Step Three: Choosing the Moment. OK, you're in. Piece of cake. You can see the overlord on his raised podium, pontificating to the uncaring crowd before him, his guards staring raptly, in awe of his magnificence. Makes you just wanna puke, doesn't it?
No matter what his occaision, he has to make a speech. It will typically culminate in a big flourish, and this is the prime choice to make your move. This is where he asks some pointless rhetorical question of the crowd, such as "Who has made your lives better?" or "Who here has the balls to face me?" It is at this time that you spout of one of the pre-planned witty responses located in Appendix A of this book, throw off your cloak, and make yourself known. The crowd will pull back, predictably, and the Overlord will sputter for a few seconds.
He'll probably tell his guards to get you, but this is where you surprise him. While he expects to have you dragged before him, and have some polite chit-chat for a few moments, you will turn the tables by killing him. Shoot the gun, throw the knife, whaveter. The major point here is to end his life.
His guards will still probably be standing stock still, the morons that they are. If they aren't, recite one of the crowd-churning lines in Appendix A to get the mob around you motivated, and have them deal with them. During the ensuing chaos, make your way up to the podium, assume a theatrical stance, and inform the people you are their new ruler.

Bob draws his pistol, and aims it as Ludwig is reaching the crescendo of his prenuptial speech. His bride to be is starting to nod off, even standing between the two muscle-bound green-skinned warriors guarding her. Bob cries, "Cease, you evil despot!"
Ludwig sputters for a few seconds, then falls to the ground, the wall behind him decorated in the interesting new shade known hereafter as Hint of Brain. The guards kinda stare around, not sure where this falls under their orders. "Get them, my oppressed brethren!" yells Bob, getting into the act. No-one takes the time no notice that they have never seen Bob before, and that Bob seems rather too healthy to have been living here for long. Within moments, the guards are beaten into quivering jelly, and the freed daughter is only too happy to embrace Bob. He sends her politely on her way, stepping up the the podium to calm the masses. Good thing he read this book thoroughly!

1.3 Putting Yourself Into Position

The crowds have all gone home, happy and rejoicing, and probably doing some severe vandalistic acts to your new home in the process. This is OK, it's expected, don't panic. tell the people they can burn the body of the Evil Overlord if they want, this always makes them feel secure under your leadership, for a little while, at least.
Find out where the Evil Overlord's bedroom is, let yourself in, and tidy up the place. If he's the least bit competent, he'll have a bunch of willing slave girls chained to the bedposts. Let them all go, in a magnanimous gesture. Guaranteed, a few will be so enamored by you, they'll stay willingly. Trust me, these are much more fun than chained damsels.
Get a good night's sleep, you little usurper. You've earned it.

2.0 Dealing With the In-Laws

Unless the previous overlord was sufficiently paranoid to have his entire family killed to ensure no-one would show up and chellenge his right to the throne, there are likely some pissed off relatives right about now. Brothers, sisters, cousins, or people he went to college with, it doesnt matter, they're going to try and assume power in your current time of weakness.
Also, there were probably some prophecies bouncing around, such as a baby who would arrive in the worst time of darkness, and bring light. Don't worry, they always sound like that. The typical solution to this little problem is to put the child in a basket, put it in a creek, and say goodbye, because, naturally, he'd never come back.

2.1 Just Kill Them

Now, this is utterly stupid. This is the reason prophecies have gained such power. A simple solution, and the most overlooked one, is to kill the prophetic child. The Evil Overlord should probably know who it is, (they like to keep tabs on such things) and he'll have files on him. Track down the kid, and take him. Stealing him away in the night is a good method.
You're probably feeling queasy about killing the little tyke, and if that is the case, put down the book, and resume your normal life. You want fries with that? However, if you are serious about this, read on. You're probably thinking you'll have someone else do it, but remember the earlier example. Never assume something is done unless you've done it. Get a knife, a gun, or a big rock, and just finish the job. I know, this sounds callous, but this is the only foolproof way.
A method that is gaining in popularity, however, is raise the child as your own. When he is about twenty, a good coming-of-age age, challenge him to a freindly little sword fight, and run him through. Or, challenge him to a freindly little sword fight, and have someone in the rafters put a bullet in his brain. While this is a tad riskier, it is probably much more to the liking of people these days. I remember a time when people were proud to kill Prophecy Kids. *Sigh* What is the world coming to.
Back to the other relatives, though. Brothers, cousins, nephews, these are also a necessary evil. While they aren't as hard to kill as a Prophecy Baby, they will get easier with practice. Get a good rifle, or magic wand, or whaveter is convenient, stalk them for a little while, and take them out while they're taking a whiz. Don't even mention that honor crap. If he's a threat, remove the threat. You don't challenge a cow to a one-on-one duel when you want steak, do you?

Bob shoulders his hunting rifle, and marks a little chalk line on the stock, bringing the tally to twenty-two. Thats the last of the relatives he has to worry about for ahwile. At first, he was a bit queasy, but he really got into it, trying to find places on the human body that make the most interesting exit wounds.

2.2 Possible Vengeances

Undoubtedly, the relatives you have just offed had freinds, or relatives of their own that you didn't think of. They'll want to kill you, as well. Fortunately, they will come to you, and by this time, you should have already completed the tasks to be set out for you in Chapter Three. Don't worry about it just yet.

3.0 Maintaining the Throne

Well, you've assumed power, and hopefully taken out the most immediate threats of retaliation. It's time to take control of your empire, and twist it to your evil machinations. Feel free to laugh maniacally whenever the urge strikes you.
The hardest part now is to avoid making the mistakes of your predecessor. This is a process best looked at in small parts.

3.1 Choosing Bodyguards

This can be one of the most important decisions of your entire life, from this point on. Obviously, the bodyguards the previous Evil Overlord had weren't all that good. He's dead, right?
You want people who don't give a rats ass that you're oppressing people: you get people from outside your borders. You want people who will actually try to keep you alive: pay them extremely well, and make it known from the beginning that if you die, they won't get paid anymore. Keep them happy, fulfill any non-ludicrous wishes they have. Don't worry, they won't be your bodyguards forever.
Training and equipment is also an important factor. While body armor can be acquired with relative ease, as well as weapons, one fact overlooked by almost every Evil Overlord are helmets. I don't know precisely why, but this is the case. You want well-constructed helmets that don't fall off in a strong wind. Black is always a good choice, perhaps with frightening little insignias covering it.

Bob surveys the group of people filling your courtyard. They have all answered the summons you posted in various cities and countries around you. They are a ragtag mob of delinquints, most of them already armed with modified guns and knives. He'll be weeding out the undesirables later on, of course, but for now, he has a sizeable chunk of strong arms and thick skulls.

3.2 Choosing Advisors

Again, you may have to look outside your borders for advisors. The three positions you'll want to fill will be Military, Public Relations, and Security. For a Military advisor, I reccomend getting a general or other such high-ranking officer who was drummed out on charges, even if you have to make the charges yourself. Never let him know it was you who got him kicked out, though. He might not take it well.

Bob was forced to trump up some false charges pertaining to certain undesirable desires the general was said to have. After the untimely court-martial, General Thiess was approached by Bob, and the deal was proffered. The General, bitter over his dismissal, eagerly accepts. He was acknowledged as a master tactician, but not the best conversationalist. He was reputed to have 'Kill Em All And Let God Sort Em Out' tattooed on his ass. to this day, this remains an unsolved mystery.

Have him organize your army. If no such army exists, have him go about recruiting and training your army. He'll know about covert operations, and how to operate successfully in an urban area. this will be handy if he has to recruit soldiers for an army that will later be used to oppress the people of the region. Give him a lot of cash, some power, and the free will to decide how the army should be trained; at the moment, he'll almost undoubtedly be better at it than you
Your Public Relations advisor will be a temporary position; in a little while, who will give a shit about the public anyway? Best to choose a female, someone of respect from the local town. Give her some freedom to make the people happy. You'll need the extra time.

Goodwife Helga organized some pro-life rallies, lowered the tax on ale, and started a series of physical fitness programs which would in turn allow for easier recruitment of choice specimens for the military.

Your Security advisor might be a bit harder to find. I reccommend using your ex-military guy to find you someone who is security-conscious; that is to say, paranoid. Give him the run of your fortress, and get his ideas on how to improve it, such as closing off doors, getting rid of that pesky dungeon, putting bars in your ventilation system. Listen to what he has to say, it may save your life.

Marcus was a little bit twitchy, but that was to be expected. He was in a pretty bad war about ten years previous, one that the General was a key player in. Of course, Marcus was on the opposing side, but they were past all that rivalry by now. Marcus had already pointed out dozens of security problems about the fortress, and had dispatched his four personal assistants to the countryside, looking for recruits for the information b ranch of the military.

3.3 Intelligence Networks, Not an Oxymoron

Perhaps the best tool an Evil Overlord has is his ability to know whats going on in his empire. This gives him a considerable advantage towards oppressing the people, suppressing rebellions, and knowing when heroic attempts on his life are to be made.
If the technology allows, use hidden cameras all over the place. In trees, streetlights, lanterns, badly-lit rafters, anywhere that something might happen. Solar batteries can do a lot these days, and will give your cameras a long lifespan. Period replacements will be necessary, of course, but you will need to make it known that touching one of the cameras will be a lethal offense in your country.
Spies are also good. Keep your security advisor around, as you will need him to manage your spy network. With him and your Military advisor, recruit spies among your populace. They might just be malcontents, or truly believe that they are helping their beneficient leader, but regardless, there will always be people willing to sell out their mothers for a couple hundred bucks.

Marcus had worked wonders in his six short weeks as a part of your advisory committee. Already there were three hundred members of the Secret Police wandering around, going about their lives, but reporting on the slightest hints of inssurrection and maliciousness. Some people vanished, never to be seen again. Some were approached with a job in the Secret Police.
Also, the microphone taps had been placed in three-quarters of the homes and places of social gathering in the nearest couple towns and cities. Information was gathered and sifted round the clock. Bob was pleased.

3.4 Your Evil Stronghold

This is the part of being an Evil Overlord that makes it all worthwhile, your own Evil Stronghold! Tastes will vary, as some will want the huge, sprawling marble palace, and others will go for more of the Gothic vaulted, menacing architecture. Of course, the vast, armed and armored complex is always a favorite. Regardless, it can look every bit as cool as you want, and still be secure.
Rule One: NO SECRET ENTRANCES!!! Really, people, I don't know what you're thinking!
Rule Two: Locks. Every door should have a lock on it. This may seem a bit excessive, but it is a good idea. Some doors should be key controlled, some should be combination locks. At the very least, it will slow down anyone who actually manages to get inside your fortress.
Rule Three: Guards. Guards should always patrol in pairs, and any given place should be inspected no less than once every eight minutes. With proper planning and manpower, this should be no problem.
Rule Four: Plumbing and Ventilation. Keep water pipes underground, and flooded at all times. Keep ventilation on the roof, and on at all times. Make sure no pipe, air or water, is large enough to contain a person. Grates every fifty yards is a good rule, as well, to keep out mechanical devices, or guided bombs.
Rule Five: The windows open from the insides, and are made of some sort of tough substance, such as tempered glass or plexiglass. Also, the openings should not be large enough to let a person through, and elevated such that it would be nearly impossible to get anyone in your windows.
Rule Six: The Perimeter. High fencing is a must, but this is not a real deterrent for anyone who is truly dedicated. Dogs, on the other hand, are an excellent deterrent. Guard patrols circling the fence are a must, and fifty yards from the fence on both sides must be kept barren of any brush or debris, and must be well lit. A patrol should go past a given section of fence once every four minutes, and one dog is to be tethered every fifty yards, if for no other purpose than to bark.
Rule Seven: The Main Gate. Everyone assumes that no-one would dare make an entrance through the front gate. This is a very erroneous assumption, as many a successful assasination has been made via the front gate. Vehicle inspections are a must, and if someone seems to be making an overly-acted attempt to get through without a vehicle inspection, shoot them. this will very rapidly dissuade anyone else from making such a mistake.
By following these rules, you can make your fortress as secure as possible without sacrificing any comfort. You will need a disproportionately large number of security personnell, but an Evil Overlord always has ways to make cash.

3.5 Keeping Them On the Payroll

Quite often, someone on your payroll will give out information to people you would really rather did not have it. They may do this because they are unsatisfied with their position in life, jealous of someone else's power, or because they disagree with what you do. The first two are simple enough to prevent, but the third one requires periodic brainwashing to keep under control. Watch "Clockwork Orange" a couple times for a good suggested method.
Now, it is always a good idea to have three stages of wealth in your army. Stage One is your average grunt worker, soldier, security guard. He will have a nice room to himself, plenty of spending cash, access to entertainment, and respect/fear from the populace. Best to only make them work five days a week. For the average person, this is pretty damn well off.
Stage Two are your low level leaders, such as your Security Commanders, talented spies, and the like. They will have a bit of land to themselves, a nice house, a car, a few servants, and a small fortune. A week of vacation time every three months is a good rule, as well. A content villain is a productive villain.
Stage Three are your high level leaders and advisors, such as your Spymaster, Military Advisor, Paranoid Guy, etc. They will have a small mansion on a nice piece of land, probably lakefront. Plenty of servants, methods of transportation, some good vacation time.
Simply put, don't give your workers a reason to be unhappy! Someone who is content with their job will be very unlikely to help usher in a regime where their particular services will be not needed.

3.6 Nothing is Forever

Now, one mistake many an Evil Overlord has made is to keep his assistants around for too long, and they become 'trusted friends'. Stupid, stupid, stupid. A trusted friend is just someone who knows all your secrets and has the ability to run away. At best, keep people around for eight years. Hopefully, they wont last this long anyway, as one immutable fact of life is, there is always up.
Plant the seeds in your lower ranks that if they want to advance in rank, there has to be an opening above them. This keeps them competitive, and they can always trust the men of equal rank to them. This also ensures a high turnover rate among your ranking officials.
Higher up, though, it culls your ranking officers, because with power comes security. Attempts on very high members of your empire are often unsusseccful, especially the Paranoid Guy, but once in a while, it works. Everyone slips up. If, after eight years or so, you think someone is getting too smug in their position, politely put a bullet into their noggin.

With the tragic losses of General Thiess and Marcus, who had accidentally brutally stabbed themselves to death while shaving, Bob was looking for people to fill their posts. A colonel in his army who had a fetish involving razors and soft tissues was elected to the rank of General Advisor, and a scapegoat from the local township with a natural aptitude at finding liars was elected to the post of Information Advisor. Goodwife Helga had mysteriously vanished the day before a 'We Love Bob' Barbecue. But it was a good BArbecue.

4.0 Keeping the Peons in Order

Now that you have firmly established your self as the undisuputed and indisputable ruler of the land, you need to exert the power that comes with it. thats right, after all your hard work, you've come to the fun part!
Oppressing the masses is not as hard as one might think. A simple combination of random beatings, heavy taxes, midnight disappearances, and a seemingly all-knowing law enforcement can crush the spirit of even the staunchest society in a matter of weeks.

4.1 Taxes, Your Best Friend

When used properly, a crushing tax can really wear down the people. Now, you may be tempted to go all out, such as taking 50% of whatever they have, but this has two drawbacks: sorting out what 50% of their belongings are, and telling wether or not they are lying. So a good rule of thumb, find out what the average person makes in a month, and take half of that. Example, the average person earns 80 farthings. Take 40 from everyone. Failure to comply results in a penalty.
Some of the wealthier inhabitants may be charged more, of course, and not just cash. Leave it up to the tax collector at this point. The tax collectors are merely members of your army earning brownie points with the Evil Overlord by doing some real work, so are likely to do whatever is needed to keep the people in line.
Of course, this would make everyone hate you, which is where tax breaks come in. By turning in valuable information, their name gets put on a shorter list of people from whom get taken only a small portion of their taxes. By turning in a good deal of information, or people possessed of good information, they may even be exempt from taxes. Of course, such people often do not last long, so pranks are unlikely at this point. Keep an eye on such traitors, they may make good spies and soldiers if their home life gets too difficult.

4.2 Police Who Don't F*** Around

This is what really strikes fear into the heart of your populace: the menacing figure of one of your law enforcement officials. Of course, it's your law. It is mandatory that you make some sort of insignia, or memorable design, incorporated into all your police troops. Something easily identifiable. A death's head, a lightning bolt, anything involving a fist, are all good choices, but the final design is left up to you. Even a full suit of body armor that is made to look skeletal, or demonic, works terrific, if a bit grandiose.
Now, if they look good, they must now act the part. They must be ruthless with the peons, and this includes beating bystanders who may be rooting for the little guy. Close combat weapons, either blunt sticks or sharp blades, strike more fear into their hearts, as they are less fatal, and thus leave lasting scars that people are forced to look at every day. Guns are best kept holstered unless absolutely necessary; make sure they know if a gun comes out if it's holster, it's serious business.
For your police forces, you may want a permanent group, instead of just a rotating roster with your regular army. In this case, root out the members of your army that have shown unneccessary sadism or cruelty during their training; they are perfect. High-school dropouts, street punks, and telemarketers are also good groups to get such people from directly.

Bob had formed a public police force whose job was to keep the people completely terrified of breathing the wrong direction. Their armor was black, menacing, with white highlights ment to resemble skeletal bones. Their visage was as horrifying as the fates that befell anyone who didnt get out of their way. Bob was pleased.

4.3 Illiteracy Ain't All Bad

One of the classic ideas made well-known recently is the concept that 'if the ability to rebel or revolt hinges on the ability to think of such things, remove that which lets them think of such things.' They are referring to, of course, the language.
With no formal schooling, soon they will degrade into their own fashion of speaking, with fewer and fewer words being passed along as the generations progress. This makes it much easier for them to communicate to eachother, and much harder for them to communicate with anyone or anything else. It is a good idea to beat people advocating knowledge or education to within an inch of their life, with a few permanent injuries, as an example to the others.

5.0 Evil Plots Don't Just Make Themselves

This is the true point to being an Evil Overlord, the reason this book was published. How often have you seen Evil Overlords, whether real or imagined, come up with plots that sound theoretically perfect, but in practice, are so obviously destined to fail you just want to beat them with a lead pipe?
An Evil Plot can be almost anything, but it must be something that will earn you respect and/or fear, or land, or money. There are three stages to planning an Evil Plot, which we will go through individually.

5.1 Stick to What You Know

Many times, an Evil Overlord plans an Evil Plot that, really, they aren't too sure about. A disgruntled rocket scientist, now an Evil Overlord, may try something in the field of genetic engineering. You can tell something is going to go wrong.
Now, in your years as Evil Overlord, you must have been doing something, right? YOu can brush up on your rocket science, genetic engineering, magical splicing, and other such maniacal fields of study. This should give you a backing in the major areas of fiendishness, but really only attempt something that really strikes your fancy, and you have some interest in. I, myself, have an interest in writing and publishing, hence my Maniacal Plot to Turn The World Into Evil Overlord Wannabes.

Bob had always been good at math when he was in school, and metal shop. Combined with a couple of books on mechanics from his personal library, he decided his first Evil Plot would involve a giant killer robot. The ninety foot tall behemoth was sheathed in battleship plating, with 90mm howitzer cannons mounted at every joint. It was pretty.

5.2 Special Effects

Every plot has to be bigger than life, as well. Keeping in mind, this is not practical, and thus goes against most of what I have taught in this book, it is for a different reason. Evil Overlords always try and make a plot bigger than life because they feel they have to prove themselves. You are doing it reinforce your image of power and invulnerability among those you are in control of. A little awe mixed in with the fear can go a long way towards stemming a rebellion.
Most special effects can be accomplished with the careful application of high explosives, or some magical illusions, depending on which is more available. Using one to simulate the other works wonders.
Making a plot seem more theatrical may involve more than some interesting explosions. Some pomp among your guards, such as fancy but still functional armor, may start some rumors about your elite troops, and will give your soldiers some self-confidence boosting show-off time. The construction of a special location is also good, but make sure to pay special attention to the Evil Stronghold section of this book when planning it.

The howitzers were lined with flamethrowers, so a burst of flame accompanied each round that was fired. Also, the behemoth was shaped to resemble a demon, complete with big spikes, fangs, and glowing red eyes. It thundered when it moved, due to the addition of 440 watt cabinet speakers in it's legs. It also fired off grenades in random directions, helping the total chaos that followed it's rampages.

5.3 Evil Plots for Fun and Profit

Not every Evil Plot also has to result in devastation. Kidnapping a rival's wife/daughter/ pet is an excellent way to make the necessary enemies that allow you to stay in power. The kidnapping itself is relatively easy if your target does not have a copy of this book, but even if they do, it just takes some careful planning. Naturally, with the resources at your disposal, tracking someone isn't terribly difficult, and finding the right moment to snatch them simply takes patience.
Also, some Evil Plots dont result in devastation at all, at least not immediately. A Popular Evil Plot is the creation of a Super Soldier, or other such artificial construct. Anything from a mutant to a golem to a cyborg is acceptable, provided that you have worked out the bugs in their systems. However, oftentimes they decide to make one as a test, and even if it doesnt work, they keep it around. Destroy it. Enough said.
Assuming you have perfected the way to make these soldiers loyal, reducing the chance they will turn on you and kill you to nil, you have to mass produce them, and this is where the real heart of your Evil Plot lies. Of course, you are expected to need some special shipment, or delivery, or something special to complete your process. If you do, for the love of God, don't tell anyone. This can be exploited, and you won;t like that very much.

The giant robot was eventually used to remove the daughter of Ludwigs longtime rival (you remember her!) from her house near the borders of Bob's land. The robot was destroyed while fleeing, but the container holding the girl was safely removed by the use of sub-orbital jump jets, exactly as per Bob's plan. The ransom was the complete abdication of the man's holding, and the land returned to the people. Reluctantly, he was forced to accept, and when his daughter was returned, he was exiled to a far off island. The people rejoiced, being free of their Evil Overlord. At least, until Bob showed up. See, even the loss of a Giant robot and the daughter of your rival can still end in pretty impressive gains.

5.4 The Five-Year Plan

This portion of the cunstruction of a good Evil Plot calls for the use of a five-year old child of average intelligence. Sit him down, give him a soda pop, and explain all your plans to him. Any problems or errors he can point out must be fixed immediately. I don't mean to sound sarcastic, but too often I have seen holes in a plot large enough to drive a truck full of dead Evil Overlords through.

6.0 Oh, Look, The Good Guys

As one of those rules of nature, every Evil Overlord must be challenged periodically by Heroes. The first few are almost always killed, martyred, which only serves to attract more powerful people to try and slay you.
This is quite possibly the easiest part of being an Evil Overlord, if you aren't too full of yourself. Consider it: how many times have you seen an Evil Overlord have his would-be killers held at gunpoint, only to explain all of his plans, and then place them in an overly-elaborate, easily escapable death-trap, and assume all went well? You know who I am talking about.
Most of this section may seem like total common sense, but it seems it needs reinforcing.

Brian the Buff had decided that Bob's reign of terror was destined to end, and he set out to bring justice to the war-town countryside. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

6.1 The Best-Laid Plans

Naturally, they will find out about your plan. You can't stop all of your troops from talking, so somewhere, a rumor gets started, and before long, it's escalated into a wild horror story, typically blown out of proportion. Nevertheless, the choice time to be attacked by a group of Do-gooders is at the culmination of one of your Evil Plots, covered in the previous chapter.
You can have some fun with this, however. Many times, they will split into two groups: one to difuse the horrible bomb/count-down item, which almost every plan has at least one of, and one group to go and get you. A simple trick to solve the first problem is to set the countdown a little bit fast. He will think, "Oh, look, I have one minute seventeen seconds to stop this." Boom. Works every time.
The other group, those who would find you, capture you, tell you about your evil ways, expect repentance, and drag you off to prison, are a little more difficult to deal with. They might have copies of my short instructional manual, How to Slay Evil Overlords, or they might have inside information about your Evil Stronghold gleaned from a soldier they captured. the possibilities are endless, but always remember, they have a plan.

Brian the Buff had heard horrible rumors concerning a plan to raise a volcano in the countryside with the use of a tactical nuclear weapon and an overly-elaborate setup of machines. (It was designed to look overly elaborate.) He assembled some freinds from the silly little war he was involved in some years previous, all armed with a great deal of weaponry and not enough brains.
The whole thing was purported to take place on the eve of a full moon, in the back several acres of his palatial grounds.

6.2 Your Fortress

As we mentioned before, your stronghold should be virtually impervious to assault, but it is likely a truly zealotous group of misguided heroes will find a way in. Assuming they do not get captured by your guards, killed by your dogs, or blown to pieces by the carefully positioned automatic weapons, they can be very easily tracked by your omnipresent surveillance equipment. A group of soldiers dispatched with hair-triggers and bad attituted should bring them down in no time.
This is no time to get cocky, mind you. This is the true test of being a competent Evil Overlord. you may feel the urge to let them wander around, but their capacity for mischief is never to be underestimated. Give them an inch, soon they have a foot, and pretty soon, you haven't got a leg to stand on.
Hanging the corpses, stripped, outside your main gate in plain view of the public works as an excellent deterrent, or even capturing them alive and keeping them in cages. However, always keep a concealed automatic weapon aimed at their heads at all time. If one escapes, it can mean a world of bother.

6.3 Dead or Alive?

This is the question you must ask yourself. Will you gain more from killing them instantly, or by keeping them alive? Of course, your palace has no dungeon, no place to properly question and torture them. I find a small motel on the fringes of your empire work terrific for this, as everyone expects you to do nasty things to them in your Inner Sanctum. A simple deterrent is not to have one.
After they have been questioned, a little strategic extraction of vital organs may be on order. Tongues, vocal cords, index fingers, all these make it very difficult for them to contine on in life. The aforementioned tactic of keeping them in cages outside your main gate under constant supervision of a big-bore bullet functions well as a lesson to all those who would challenge your power.

6.4 Get Them Before they Get You

If your Intelligence network is worth half the resources you put into it, you will know of a heroic plot long before it is ever carried out. Keep tabs on people who speak ill of you, by use of the concealed microphones in every table in your empire. Of course, this takes a lot of manpower to sort through the information, but you can handle the monetary end of it. Just up the taxes.
Now, you'll want to find out where all of them are gathering, typically an abandoned building during a storm. This makes it almost pathetically easy for you, but they never seem to catch on. When they have all congregated and are discussing their little plans, your men are busy placing the shaped charge explosives at key points outside the building, and your troops with incindiary weapons are getting into position. Once you are ready, dont delay. Blow the building, and torch the place.
I find the Argentinian treatment works very well, also. When they are all out somewhere, perhaps a restaraunt, one of them will invariably go off on his own. This is where your men in the big black coats show up, and whisk him away. His body will be found hanging outside your wall, and no mention will be made of it. Let them make their own conclusions. This is a cheap way to head them off at the pass, as it were. Two or three may be necessary for the truly stupid to catch on.

Bob decided not to take chances this time around, and when he caught wind of Brian the Buff's plans to ruin his Evil Plot, he took action. Discovering that the party of heroic adventurers were to be having one last drink at a bar in the nearby city, he dispatched his men in the big black sedans.
Brian was just stepping out of the bar when he was approached by two large men in black jackets. Brian's freinds were stepping out of the bar just in time to see him get hauled into a large car and sped away. they were speechless, of course.
Bob followed their motions for the rest of the night. They planned to make the assault the next day regardless, so Bob decided another lesson was in order. Sally, the headstrong but stunning blond with the bug guns, was going over the map with the other heroes when her head suddenly exploded from the high-bore bullet that travvelled through it. The group decided it was tome to go home.
Needless to say, the volcano wreaked havoc for miles around. Millions of dead. Tragic.

7.0 Congratulations, You've an Evil Overlord!

If you have made it this far, then you have used the priciples in this book to your advantage.. Years may have passed you have a few Evil Plots under your belt, the citizens are living in squalor and curse you under their breaths at every opportunity. Be proud.
But you may be getting a little complacent, even a little bored. Fear not, this is a stage every Evil Overlord must go through at some time, unless he is an extremely inventive Evil Overlord and has enough plots to keep him going till he dies of an anyeurism.

7.1 Fine Tuning Your Evil Empire

You've probably acquired a few good ideas, such as upgrading your army to Linux-operated cyborgs or genetically engineered troops with only three thought processes. These are worthy aims, and you should pursue them at any given opportunity. Get hid of the possibility of human error the only sure way: get rid of the humans.
Perhaps some revamping of the Evil Image your army has. times may have changed, and the vampiric raccoon emblem may have lost some of it's impact. This is to be expected. Blades can always be incorporated to good effect. See Appendix B for Threatening Objects. Your citizens might even have gotten used the oppressive bootheel of your regime. Mix it up a little bit! Increase the taxes, unreasonable demands, release some amusing virii among the populace. I have found that unexplained events, such as some house doors having burnt X's carved onto them can create whole religions if given the right impetus. Such as, some of these houses (not all, mind you) mysteriously blow up a week later. A little bit of chaos is good for them at this pint in their lives, they need the excercise.

7.2 Advances in Technology

Time passes, even in the most backwater of Evil Empires. Technology grows, and sometimes it has to be implemented, or conversely, suppressed. A Cheaper form of energy becomes available from outside your empire, and starts getting smuggled in. House searchings can be stepped up, but this is not terribly creative. An Evil Plot, however, is just what you need!
I am sure you can think of many ways to deal with technological problems on a large scale. Something that makes them all blow up is a classic, but by no means the only option available to you.
On the other hand, if the troops you are currently using seem to be getting slow and sluggish, use of cutting-edge pharmaceuticals can be just what they need! Technically this falls under Evil Plots, but many a time an Evil Overlord fails to pay attention to what is happening outside your borders. This is a fatal mistake, for without something to compare it to, an Evil Empire is just an Empire that Sucks Really Harsh. You rely on outside influences to make your Empire tick.

7.3 The Wife and Kids

Sooner or later, those suppressed hormonal urges are going to manifest themselves. Perhaps in an Evil Plot, perhaps in dreams about rutabagas and dancing clowns. Either way, it probably wont turn out very good for you. you'll reach that stage where you wanna meet a nice girl (or guy), settle down, have a couple kids. Naturally, choosing from your empire is not a wise choice!
Going outside your borders is a necessity when looking for a prospective mate. Maybe hit some singles bars, dress nicely, and above all, show her that money is no object. They always fall for the aura of power.
They might not react terribly well to your Evil ways, but they can be disposed of fairly easily. I can't give perfect, guaranteed advice on this subject, as love is the most fickle kind of power in the universe.
A classic matching, however, is another Evil Overlord. They come in both the male and female varieties these days, and a pairing is always a sure way to further your own power. Make some discreet inquiries into surrounding Empires currently ruled by the opposite sex, and definitely check to see if they have a copy of this book. Those who do are obviously of a higher caliber of intelligence.
You may not trust eachother immediately, or ever, but there is always the mutual respect for another Evil Overlord. You can plot together, torture together, go for walks within the confines of your fotress (or hers). You may not see eachother too much, considering your hectic schedules, but you can always make time to meet, especially if your empires are adjacent.

7.4 Nepositm, Not Always Good Idea

The subject of children is always a sensitive topic among Evil Overlords. None of them want to admit that they, the all-powerful icons of loose morals and bloodthirsty savagery, want a little tyke or seven of their own. In fact, they often have the strongest feelings of that maternal instinct, given the mass of repressed emotions they mujst surely have.
Raising your kids, again, is a slightly risky subject. It is a good idea to give them some power of their own as early as possible. As soon as they are able to brandish a gun menacingly and laugh maniacally is a good age to start them with the weapons. If they have been given a taste of maliciousness that early, they will probably grow to like it. But make no mistake, there are no guarantees. Not every kid wants to turn out like his dear old Dad, so keep that sniper on standby at all times.

8.0 Conclusions

Well, you have been given the guide to make it in the world of Evil Overlords. You've probably made a few freinds, perhaps even been invited to the Evil Overlord Barbecue and Hero Lynching festival a few times.
I hope that you have found this book useful, and will use it's teachings in the most twisted and irresponsible ways imaginable, all while maintaining that little piece of common sense that allows you to reach old age without being captured or killed.
Keep an eye out for my follow-up books, How To Be A Stereotype Hero, How To Be A Stereotype Villain, and Seven Easy Steps to Maniacal Laughter.

Throkky Made Me Blog...

2006-05-01T21:21:00.000-07:00

.... FIIIIINE!!!

Hey, Look, I Have A Blog...

2006-04-01T17:05:00.000-08:00

How about that.

I guess I've just been busy and depressed, and busy, and stuff, these past few weeks, and I forgot all about my blog. Then, out of curiosity, I checked it... and found that most of the Hizzy had posted condolences. That is, probably, the most touching thing that I've ever experienced, and I thank you all.

There'll be something to post later... just letting you all know I'm back.

And I needed an excuse to share this:

Goodbye, Gramma...

2006-03-13T10:13:00.000-08:00

... we'll miss you.

It's Just Like High School Again...

2006-03-09T12:29:00.000-08:00

... the kid with the funny clothes is being singled out, made the center of attention, and then mocked. Mike, the boss, has asked me to dress nicer in the office because he has to trot me out to office meetings, and he'd like me to be a bit more formal than "jeans and polo shirt". So, last night, we went to Moores, and blew two hundred dollars on some nicer pants, and some nicer shirts.

Today, it's been pretty much non-stop:

"Christ, did your wife dress you?"
"Do you have a job interview somewhere?"
"You look like a gigolo."
"Got a thing for beige, do you?"
"You can wear more than brown and beige, you know."
"Got a golf date?"
"Trying to look better than us?"
"It's too cold to go golfing, Chris."
"We wear jeans on this side of the office, Chris."

And so forth. Good to know that dressing nicely is going so very, very well for me.

Pissed-off Pic of the Day:

Hooray, Depressing!

2006-03-06T09:24:00.000-08:00

My grandma has demanded to be taken off of aggressive medical therapy, and have her feeding tube removed, and a bunch of other stuff, after her latest surgery to repair a perforated duodenal ulcer. We went down on Saturday night because my dad and aunt were going to do as she wished and we all wanted to see my Grandma for what might have been the last time. She wanted us to understand her decision, and accept it, and not try to harp on her about getting better and getting out of the hospital.

Then, true to my grandma's form, she is recovering DESPITE being taken off aggressive medication and her feeding tube. I'm almost positive she's angry about the whole situation. :) It's ok, you can smile about that last bit... anyways, she is being moved, hopefully soon, to a palliative care bed at Eagle Ridge hospital, a block from my aunt, where she will get slightly better post-op treatment than she is getting at Burnaby General.

Anyways, my grandma is 89, and has gotten four stents in three surgeries, as well as the duodenal surgery, in the past few months, and I understand her wishes. She says she's tired, and after seeing her, I know what she means... she can barely open her eyes lately, although my aunt says she was sitting up on her own and complaining about the nurses this morning.

Well... that's my granny. :)

Pic of the day is in honor of her:

It's Blog, It's Blog... It's Big, It's Heavy, It's Me....

2006-03-03T10:00:00.000-08:00

This week's Userfriendly's have brought to my attention a few things about blogging, and why I bother.

1.) People rarely read me. I figure I have three readers, and everything in my blog is stuff I tell them on a daily basis anyways.

2.) I rarely know what to write about, hence the filler.

3.) The pictures I post are getting more attention than my prose.

Now, I'm still working on the "why I bother" part... deep down, I figure I need attention from another source: The Internet. I mean, I get a lot of negative attention here, and I thought a bit of positive attention might be just the ticket.

It hasn't quite worked out that way, since slightly less than half my comments are from spam bots, and the rest are either from my peeps at the Hizzy, or my wife.

*yawn*

Uhm.... I bought a compound mitre saw...

*sips his coffee*

I got nothing.

Here's a picture.

Dang...

2006-02-23T08:31:00.000-08:00

... some of you may know that I do most of my Internet arguing on the VG Cats forum. Well, my arch-nemesis on this forum is a moderator named 'echoes'. Yes, he doesn't even capitalize his proper name. His grammar is terrible, his arguments are ludicrous, and he is quick to ban those who disagree with him. He is a teenager from Vancouver, and he somehow got made a mod.

No, scratch that. As of last night, he got made an ADMIN. That's right. He now has officially god-like powers on that forum. He can ban, lock, delete, and so forth, and no-one, not even the mods can stop him. I know for a fact that it's not going to be long before I am 'disappeared' from that forum forever, for good, mostly because echoes has made no secret of the fact that he hates me. He's banned me three times in the past, and erased my threads, edited my posts, and lied about it.

And he got made an Admin. Whoopee.

Realizing that this week, Black Mage also got upgraded in power, I whipped up this little image (Note: my forum name is Marble):

Pregnant Estrogenical Superpowers

2006-02-20T09:00:00.000-08:00

My wife has somehow acquired superpowers from the cocktail of hormones currently running rampant in her system as a by-product of her various life-manufacturing processes. Thrice now she has snuck past me with catlike grace and maliciousness of intent.

The first such occurence was early last week, where me and Sebastian were waiting in the car for her to come out. I kept my eye on the rear-view mirror so that I could warn Sebby when she was near, so he could hide under his jacket. However, after several minutes, I grew worried, and looked around wildly... and she was at the bottom of the driveway, waiting for us, holding the mail. How she got by, I'll never know.

Next, she snuck out of the farmhouse and right up to her door, where again I was sitting with Sebastian, warming the car up. I didn't see her exit the well-lit house, or approach the door, and she scared the hell out of Sebby. After she got into the car, I explained about how her powers must have come about from the crazy biology of her baby bits.

Last night, she proved me right when I was sitting atr my computer, playing Colonization and checking my e-mail. I was minding my own business when from just a few feet to my right, outside my office door, I heard her say "Ninja powers". I didn't hear her approach, and it took a few seconds for my heart to get back to it's usual rhythm.

Curse her, and curse her super powers. In her honor, he's how to make a ninja disguise from your favorite concert tee.

It's A Sad Day In The Universe

2006-02-15T19:22:00.000-08:00

Andreas Katsulas, best known perhaps as Ambassador G'Kar from cult sci-fi hit Babylon 5, died today of freaking lung cancer. Possibly the best actor and the best character on that great show, he will be missed by fans from every reach of sci-fi-dom, as he was also recurring characters on 3 of the Star Trek series'. Unfortunately, I can't find ANYTHINg on Google Video to show you how cool he was, so I'll just say: Rent the series, and watch it through.

Secondly, I'm sure Jack Thompson's soul must be spinning in it's grave, since his crusade has now been joined by... you guessed it, hookers. Yes, old Jack now has the red light district in his corner as he fights to get smut and violence removed from our computer screens, and restored to the nightly news. I'm sure Jack will give them a good polling to see where they stand on the whole porn industry.

Lastly, can we stop sending shit to Australia? Seriously, they've had enough. Let them just be happy. Knock it off.

In honor of the last one, I bring you today's Picture of the Day, from Somniloquism. I claim no authorship of this comic, and please visit the above site so he gets paid and I don't get sued.

And The Lord Spake, "Wtf"

2006-02-13T18:39:00.000-08:00

Does anyone hear that clapping noise?

In the news today, they're talking about all the ruckus, uproar, shenanigans and goings-on that have been caused by this cartoon doodle from the Netherlands.

Let me say this again.

In the news today, they're talking about all the ruckus, uproar, shenanigans and goings-on that have been caused by this cartoon doodle from the Netherlands.

We're clear on what's causing this? Good. What is that clapping noise?

Muslims the world over have been deeply offended by the image of the Prophet Mohammad wearing a bomb head-dress. They have responded to these outrageous claims that the Prophet condoned violence... by burning down buildings and killing white people. Hey, the clapping noise just got louder.

If your religious faith is so fragile that a newspaper comic doodle in a different country causes you to form a posse, an "angry mob", if you will, and go forth seeking bloody retribution, then I really don't think you have thought this whole "Live in peace with all peoples" thing through. Yes, criticism of Muhammad is often equated with blasphemy, which is punishable by death in some Muslim states, and yes, Muhammad went to war a couple of times when the existing government didn't like his ideals. But he was also chosen by God, and spoken to by the Archangel Gabriel, to correct and perfect God's religion upon Earth, and unless I've missed my guess, most of those wacky Biblical proverbs had to do with "being nice to people".

I figured out what the clapping is. Muhammad is smacking his forehead everytime something like this happens. After a moment, he turns with his bruised forehead and says to Jesus, "Dude, I totally get what you went through in the Middle Ages now." Jesus just nods, and goes back to his Nintendo DS.

It was so hard to find something for the Pic of the Post, but I hope you'll enjoy this following sin against humanity.

Throkkette, The Indestructible Baby

2006-02-09T09:09:00.000-08:00

We're back from Vancouver, and from all of our worrisome and extremely short-notice appointments with counsellors, geneticists, perinatologists, fetal echo-cardiogram specialists, and so forth. The upshot of it is: the kid's probably fine. The fluid pocket is very small (3mm, roughly) and located against one ventricle, and doesn't seem to be causing any major distress. The baby's arrhythmia might be due to Steph's caffiene intake, so she's going to be cutting back further and I'm going to be cutting her pure Columbian with some decaf grounds. The kid is big, especially for a girl, and has some good kicking genes, in that she almost knocked the ultrasound wand out of the doctor's hand. Take that, medical science!!

So, Throkette has been given the stamp of approval, and in three months, she'll be moving into the room accross the hall. I hope she isn't noisy... I hate noisy roomates.

Picture of the Day: Isn't Mr. T just so cute?

God-Damned Fucking SPAMMERS

2006-01-26T08:59:00.000-08:00

Attention to all the people who find my blog "Inquisitive", and would like to tell me about being a park ranger, or give me advice on investing my money into penny stocks:

FUCK OFF AND DIE

Seriously... to darreljones2541388358, christopherbenson9725, and all the rest of you... we don't go to your blogs. Please invent some sort of filter that keeps you off of blogs where the posters are intelligent enough to ignore you. Maybe a spellchecker... if you get less than 1% errors, assume the blog is being written by someone who isn't retarded, and move on.

Unfortunately, this is all so much screaming in the wind because there's no way to get rid of spammers, mostly because the people in charge don't really want to. They provide valuable search-enigne fodder and ad-click revenue. Spam is the corporation's best friend, and my undying nightmare. In honor of this, my pictures of the day will be as scary as I can find.

Canada Elects Zombie Prime Minister

2006-01-23T19:16:00.000-08:00

You heard me.

Elected to a minority government, the Convervative party (Formerly the Conservative Reform Alliance Party, or C.R.A.P, I kid you not) has been elected tonight in Canada. Stephen Harper, the dead-eyed zombie leader of the Conservatives, is now our leader.

The man who said that although gays are sinning against God, they should not be unduly persecuted for their choices, has been elected by the people. However, the queers will no longer be allowed to marry, if he has his way. The tax cuts which he promised to introduce over the next few years will likely dematerialize as he tries to justify the increased military spending for "emergency situations".

Please bear in mind the above image is not actually photoshopped... that actually is the background at some of his press conferences. This man is now in charge of Canada, formerly the greatest country in the world.

This is going to be an interesting year.

There Goes My Winning Streak...

2006-01-23T13:09:00.000-08:00

So people want me to have more money, and spend more money. THey upped our assessed property value by about $40,000, despite the fact that my lot is a 0.4 acre piece of crap, with the huge pine trees killing all the grass, and the gravel driveway mostly washed away, and rocks everywhere, and stumps. Woo, stumps.

Also, three credit cards arrived today. Our Home Depot credit card with $2000 on it, and no payments if we spend at least $450 at a time, as well as two Canadian Tire MasterCardcredit cards on a shared balance, with one for me and one for Throkky (which means she can now boy stuff online using HER credit card. I'll let her handle balance payments on her own purchases, so now when she goes to Ikea, I don't have to worry.

Also also, I haven't gotten paid for my Seniors Guide work yet. The publisher told me it was foolish of me to expect money from payables, since he was paying me with payables arriving that week... basically means it's foolish of me to expect money from... him. Wheee. I talked to the printer (the company, not the little laser-jet) about payment for their half-page ads in the next issue, and with luck I can collect from them shortly.

It's oodles of fun being an adult. Tonight I get to vote for the lesser of five evils, as part of living in a great country. I can no longer, in good conscience, not vote and claim it's a political statement, since for every vote, the party of my choice gets money for the next election. Therefore, my vote will be for the Greens, since it's still a statement that I don't have any faith in the main three parties. Unfortunately, I also don't want the Greens to actually WIN, but since they don't have a chance in hell, I feel safe throwing my vote away in their corner.

Pic of the Day: In honor of my friend Ronald Mack's great line concerning American politics, "Living in Canada is like having front-row seats to the Special Olympics... you don't want to look like you're enjoying it, but it makes you feel better about yourself..." I'm going to see if I can offend everyone else with this one.

God-Boy Is Back In Town

2006-01-22T21:58:00.000-08:00

Hung out with my buddy Jon last night. When I say the name Jon, most of my friends get a singular image in their heads... "God-Boy". "Lionbait" (Christian/Roman joke... he hates it). "Long-Haired Hippie Freak". Most of my friends know him only cursorily, and so don't really know him.

He just got back from Afghanistan, where he worked as a computer technician, and was occaisionally shot at with bullets and mortar shells. He also played in a band over there, saw Austrian heavy metal shows, hooked up with a hot Chinese babe, saw some unbelievable sights while on vacation in China, Prague, and Istanbul, hooked up with a hot Chinese babe (did I say that?) and generally did more living than anyone else I know. His collection of photos from the trip (which he better send me, OR ELSE!) is just staggeringly cool.

He got back, though, and realized something wholly depressing... everything is the same as when he left. He's still broke, still needs to get into college, still driving a car which might not last the week out, still needs money and a place to live, and still isn't fulfilling his life's dreams. It was as if he went on this vacation only in his mind, and came back with pictures and memories, but nothing has changed. He's still Jon, bass virtuoso, creative hippy, God fan, and all around nice guy. Far too nice to be doing what he's doing right now, but there you have it.

Also, in honor of him, the Pic of the Post is something downright offensive, but I hope he'll get a kick out of it.

So We're All Sick...

2006-01-22T12:17:00.000-08:00

Sebby's Auntie Steph was sick earlier in the week, so he picked it up when they went for a big sub-zero morning walk around Mac Park. He slept during the day, and talked in his fitful sleep at night for two days befor egetting better and giving his cold to me. Throkky picked it up last night / early this morning, so we're all in just MAAAAAAAAAARVelous shape. I'm at work, working on one building, then I'll go home to work on another building, and then, Glod willing, I'll get paid for ONE of them.

*snnrrrkk* Not into typing.... pic of the day:

Insert Fascinating Title Here

2006-01-19T13:23:00.004-08:00

I miss television.

I moved my computer to the basement which is currently TV-less. Tonight, I might get around to splicing the cable, running it to my office, and hooking up the VCR so I can channel surf (since the TV only gets up to channel 13 on the knob). OR.... do I want to hook up the DVD player to watch DVD's? Because I have a lot of DVD"s... like eight kun-fu flicks, some bad black-and white horror, the entire series of Profit, plus the Robert DeNiro special edition set.

But I also like Simpsons, Futurama and Southpark. GYAHH! Decisions! Pity me!

Picture of the Post. Warning, it might take you a second, and it's kind of creepy.